November

The ‘No’ in NOvember, as suggested by the title, does stand for a lot of things.

• I’ve decided to take part in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) – which means that in the 30 days of November I need to write 50,000 words of a novel. I’m thinking that’s possible, and it should help me finish writing Recto Verso.
• Following on from the fact that November is already a month of dedication, I’ve decided that this is also the month that I’m going to actually get my act together – before 2013 ends and I have to start anew.

Also: can I just use this opportunity to point out that this blog has now been running for more than a year? I’ve actually stuck with it, wow. Though yes, there have been large gaps in between posts but still -

Happy Anniversary, TDITR!

• Kay, so back to the bullet points: what getting my act together basically means is that I’m going to start waking up early and actually having a plan about what to do that day. I’m going to start exercising, continue eating well (as I kinda am now, yay!), not drink so much, get work done – you know the drill.
• The reason it works so well is because I’m going to go to AC on the 30th of November anyway, so it all works out! Going to AC will be my reward for an awesome month, working hard and clearing out all these cobwebs of laziness.
• So all in all, the ‘No’ in NOvember really stands for Yes; to working, getting healthy, losing weight, writing loads, and generally living life a little bit better than I’ve been doing for the past little while.

Here Comes the Flood

It’s really late, actually 1AM and I’m still up. I figured I may as well write a post because I need something to switch off my brain before I go to sleep – and this isn’t going to take long. I never did upload those images from my tumblr blog, but I have them on my computer so hopefully will do so at some point.

The week that’s coming up is ‘Opportunities’ week, or more likely known as ‘reading week’. It’s basically a week without lectures, although we’re still required to do some stuff. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to write a couple more poems for the National Poetry Competition before the deadline on October 31st, this Thursday. Don’t have much time, but there’s already one poem in the bag and I’m going to do maybe one or two more. Also, Halloween night we’re going to the Enchanted Forest, so I’ll be writing about that next week (if I ever remember to get around to it).

Things that have happened, otherwise:

• watching way too many episodes of How I Met Your Mother
• the ‘Tuesday’ incident, which included the Bed Invader
• Team Skillz night in my room
• Dramatic Wednesday of this week
• weirdly good but also had a mental break down Thursday, which I will probably rant about soon enough

That’s all for now, I think, there’s not much left to say unless I wanted a mega-post. That’s not really something I want to be doing at 1:05AM…

Really?

I haven’t written in basically a month, how weird is that? What the hell has been going on that I can’t take 10 minutes out of my schedule to write a post and spill all that has been happening.

I’ve recently been looking at my Tumblr blogs, the ones I had from last year/two years ago (ish).
I think I’m going to delete them, but it means that all the good posts I’m going to have to write on here.

That’s not a problem, is it?

There are loads of inspirational pictures, on my blogs and other peoples, but the one thought that crept into my mind as I was looking at them was: stop looking at other people’s photos, go take some yourself.Life is beautiful, why do we waste it staring at a screen to see tremendous things when we can go find them and see them with our two very own eyes? 

so. 

Get ready for an overload of postage, it’s coming this way very shortly.

Sneezes

In the big, big room

with the carpeted floor

and the windows looking out,

the young fresh faces had

blurry eyes and blurry thoughts

from too many late night chases.

The front, they talk-talked,

about many of the introductions;

and the minds of the sat

just went blank

with the whisper of couldn’t care less.

Too much text and chatting mouths,

the bags under eyes tell all -

sniffly sniffly noses

and coughing fits…

Fresher’s flu might get them all.

Lecture No. 1

Today was my first day of lectures – I had a seminar for Drama for three hours, which was okay, and then an hour long lecture in a giant hall for English, which wasn’t as much fun.

Thing is, I don’t know that lectures are the way I’m meant to be taught. I guess at Uni you’re not meant to be taught anything (just given information and expected to do something with it yourself), but I wish I was. There were some really interesting points that came up in the lecture but by the end of it I was just really tired.

In other news, I’m about to shuffle off to bed; it’s good because I haven’t had a very early night in yet, and I want to be able to get up at a reasonable time tomorrow. Also, tomorrow is the day that my Across-the-hall-Mate Lyssie and I start our ‘regime’. I’ve had many regimes in the past, all in order to lose a few extra pounds, but this time it’s really serious. I’ve got my Skinny Bitch plan, I’m going to start really doing some exercise, and continue to eat healthily. No fizzy drinks, meat-free weekdays, no milk, and I really have to stop buying Hot Chocolates when I really don’t need them!

I’ve also written a new poem, so I’m hoping that my poetry writing is coming back. I’m pretty settled in my room now, and I like it here. If things carry on this way, hopefully all will go to plan; I’ll get a job (fingers crossed, I’m still hunting), I’ll start writing again, I will have a nice routine… and I’ll finally be able to live healthily and happily. I’ve got the people I count as my friends around me, a couple of AC mates to see whenever I want, and I’m going to meet a bunch of new people too! So all in all, it seems things are finally not so hectic.

First-Day Freshers

I arrived yesterday. Sunday, the 15th of September, I arrived at my University and began to settle into my accommodation -it’s pretty sweet, actually. That means, though, that today was my first full day of actually being in the new city, seeing things, and being a ‘college’ student. It was okay.

Strange, but quite fun. I went out at about 9AM and went to an International Welcome talk – just for the shizz and giggles – before going on a tour of the campus, meeting some fellow Drama/English students and a really cool girl (hereby known as Reader), and hanging with her. Together we went to the media talk and I think I’m going to be taking part in a lot of the media stuff – the newspaper, but I also found the TV stuff and the fact that you could potentially get on the radio really cool indeed. I then bought a t-shirt that’s going to give me access to one of the clubs tomorrow night before heading home… where I have stayed since.

I know, right? What kind of person stays in their university accommodation the very first proper night of Freshers? Obviously, I do. Then again, I can use the excuse that I’m still sick to get past that (although honestly, I was quite glad to have the night off). Last night wasn’t any better though, I was coming home about now to go to sleep before midnight. HA. What is wrong with me? It’s like I’m an old woman. But honestly, I just think there are so many better ways to meet people than to go out and get spasticated. I mean, you can’t exactly have a conversation if you can’t see the ground.

Tomorrow might be different though, so I will have to keep you up to date. I enjoy my room though, as well. It’s got a double bed and a little kitchen, bathroom, the works! I found it a little lonely this evening when I was eating dinner, because you’re kind of separated from the rest of the world, but I think that might have to be something I get used to. I’m not about to go dining al fresco every night just to have a bit of company!

But things are looking up, which is good. I was groaning and worrying about coming to Uni, because I didn’t have any expectations of it being particularly brilliant. As I was saying to Hager earlier, I think I’m just so bored of having to go through the motions that it takes to build relationships. I don’t want to build any more new relationships, I just want to have them. Saying that, I’m sure I’ll look back at this post in a couple of months and realise how silly all this complaining was. It doesn’t take that long to make friends, in hindsight.

It’s just that it’s hindsight for a reason.

Reserve Battery Power.

That’s what the computer’s running on, and I’m hoping to write this post before it conks out – once it does, I’m not switching it back on. I’m going upstairs, having a shower, getting ready for work and then if there’s time… maybe come back on the computer.

It seems at the moment that apart from work, the Screen is all that is my life. Unusually so, but the reasoning behind it is I’m trying to make a new site – theangryroleplay.proboards.com. It’s a site for me, but also my best friend (Canadian, DeNiro) because that was how our friendship bloomed. Through this roleplay, based on Michelle Paver’s Chronicles of Ancient Darkness. After 5 years, several arguments, late nights, blurred eyes, two real-life meetings and a whole bunch of drama, the roleplay is still going strong. Even more than that, it’s supposed to be reaching its climax, its most dangerous, darkest time, and we hardly write anymore. It really upsets me, actually, but DeNiro says it’s probably because our friendship has waned too.

It’s true, it has. We don’t talk as much, and I guess it’s just because our lives are getting in the way – in a way that they never used to, back when we were kids and things were easy. Childhood’s over, but we’re trying to carry on a story that began in childhood, just holding on with the tips of our fingernails.

We’ll get there. I know we will, because hopefully now that I’ve determined we’re going to Skype more and talk more, write letters and be back to the easy conversation that we once had – plus the fact that I’ve given the RP a re-vamp by introducing the new site which includes all characters, the other books, and such, we will get back on track and the RP will be finished.

Working, All The Time.

It’s true, that’s all I seem to do anymore. I’ve got two weeks on Sunday until I go back to school – wait, back to school? I mean Uni. God,I’m going to university… am I really old enough? Mature enough? Smart enough to actually do everything they want of me?

I just want to write, and hopefully that’s what I’m going to be able to do there. Write and act, but even still for the next three years I’ll be under scrutiny. But it’s after Uni that I really don’t want to think about; the big, bad, wide world that I’ll have to delve in to, and get a job. Be an adult. Yuck, the thought is repulsing. I definitely have Peter Pan Syndrome, without being an annoying hipster. But it’s true, I feel like I’m the only 18 year old who has ever wanted to back track, who has always known they didn’t want to grow up. Everyone else has always seemed to move forward; to be ready for adulthood and all that it brings.

I guess at the same time, though, when I think of those people – I’m thinking of the Singapore crew; and they’ve got it easy right now, what with their parents’ money and safety. They don’t actually know real life, and I question if some of them will ever learn what it is like just because of the fact that the rest of their families still live in Singapore. I mean Dad does still live and work there, but he’s constantly going on about how we’re “skint”. I know we’re not skint, and I know there’s a reason they’re going to be able to pay for my Uni fees.

But what about after that? I don’t count myself in the Singapore crew who don’t know about real life. I’m not dressing up fancy, taking pictures of my food, going clubbing all the time. Urgh, the idea of clubbing isn’t even something that appeals to me. Take Freshers for instance: there is an event – nightlife party of some description – Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. The first day I arrive (Sunday the 15th), the nightlife events kick off ‘with a bang’, I am assuming. But to be honest, I doubt that I’ll be joining in all the festivities. Potentially the Friday one, because it’s a Foam Party and I’ve never been to one, but the rest of the time I’m perfectly contented to actually make my room nice and tidy, have some dinner, organise myself and make sure I know what I’m actually doing for the rest of the year.

I’ve lived away from home for two years already. The thought of being away from home is not something that excites me. It makes me kinda sad, actually. That ‘freedom’ everyone talks about is so over rated, and I’m just going to miss out on Bing and Smiley growing up. I still have the holidays though, that’s for sure – and they are wonderfully long.

Splurge

I promised I’d write a post about the Green Man festival – I went to that this time last week. Where does the time go? I’m not even sure anymore, but I really have to get my act together when it comes to writing. Generally, even. Writing here, writing my stories, poems, theSkinny Bitchin’ journal… I haven’t done any of it. I think I just get too tired, what with work and continuously taking the dogs out, organising the house, cooking, trying to clean, trying to keep everything generally running.

It’s almost exhausting, just living. But now I’ve got to deal with organising stuff for Uni – got my accommodation; not too pleased with what I’ve been offered… a studio room opposite the train station? I didn’t even apply for that! I didn’t even contemplate it when thinking about halls! So I’ve been looking at alternative stuff, rooms nearer the middle of Exeter, but I don’t know what I’m going to do about it. I think the more likely thing is that I’m just going to go with the studio room, but I shall have to mull it over. At least until the 30th, because that’s the accommodation deadline.

Mantra, News, Love, Thoughts, Greenman

News: Today, Finchy finally reactivated his Facebook. Guess he’s had a female friend since April? Before hand? Somehow it made my heart twist, but I haven’t seen him in two years. I wish every happiness to him – it was only to be expected. After all, it’s not like I haven’t had things going on, and we don’t owe each other anything. Guess I shouldn’t really be thinking about it, was just surprising really.

Green Man: is the music festival I will be going to this weekend with the family (bar Mum). I’m looking forward to it, and reckon it’s going to be really good fun. I will write an entire post on it upon returning, and that’s a promise.

Love & Thoughts: Not exactly ‘love’, perchance, but on Sunday I bought three books: Skinny Bitch, Skinny Bitch in the Kitch and Skinny Bitchin’ - they’re all about changing lifestyles; one’s a recipe book, one’s a food book and the other is a self help guide, if you will. Though they preach veganism and I don’t really agree with that, Skinny Bitch - the only one I’ve read so far – makes a lot of good points. I tried Soya milk today because of it, and didn’t mind the taste.

It has lead me to my Mantra: (words, kind to myself, which I want and will say every day)

• I am happy
• I am healthy
• I am beautiful
• I am losing weight
• I love myself
• I am me, and wouldn’t change it.

The Mantra varies from whenever I say it, but the main thing still stands. I need to stop being so negative.

Loss & Gain

Well, it’s been some time. I had a get-together with the Drama Crew, Crazie, Rainbow Hair, and some of Bing’s friends. They all came over to our place and we had a BBQ before playing Hide and Seek in the Dark and Honeycomb. I love that game, it’s fantastic. I’m going to play it with so many people. Also saw Ms. Morgan on Monday, we went to Hay in my car – which was an experience in itself. But people tend to think that I’m a good driver, which is nice to know.

That’s not really what this post is about though. This post is more about the fact that even though most of the time I ignore and refuse to admit it, I’m not happy with the weight that I am. This morning I found I’d even gained some, and what’s that about? I thought that after leaving AC I would eventually start to lose, because I wasn’t eating crap food anymore.

I don’t really know what to do about it; it’s the only thing that properly stresses me out and I don’t know how to change. I mean sure, I could stop eating (thereabouts) and exercise a shed load, but that’s not fun. I need to be able to enjoy myself, not punish myself as I try to shed the extra pounds. But it seems that it’s the only way to do it, which really makes me sad.

That’s the problem with my attitude, I think. I don’t get stressed or nervous, particularly, and I ‘have no sense of urgency’. I’m happy just to trundle along and see what life brings – but that’s the point. I therefore have no motivation to do much. I’m passionate about things, sure, but I have no motivation when I don’t want something desperately. It seems that subconsciously I don’t want to change my weight because I don’t have the motivation to do it, even though I don’t like what I see every time I look in the mirror. I guess I know that things aren’t going to change by the next morning, and that keeps me from sticking with ‘healthy eating’ or whatever you want to call it.

I waver too much, and it’s beginning to show. Even writing this post is making me upset.

It is time for a change. Urgh, even when I write that my body refuses the idea. I need to lose some weight, I need a bit of shape. If I’m not happy with the way I look, how could others be? How can I truly enjoy what I’m doing if half the time I’m worried about how I look, or whether or not someone will notice?

Maybe 6AM runs isn’t the way forward. But I have to do something.

Kaleidoscope Eyes

Apparently the title of this post is a Panic! at the Disco song, but I just thought it up and believe it to be rather fitting.

I don’t know where I am. I mean I know where I am literally - I’m sitting on my sofa surrounded by dogs while the Brother plays Fifa13 on his xBox. I mean, I don’t know where my mind is. It’s totally stuck in an agonising rut of despair. It’s one of ‘those’ times, when my heart gets weirdly pulled back in time with the strength of a thousand swords, and life stops having any meaning in this era. Sure, occasionally that feeling goes away when I’m speaking to someone, cooking, watching a programme, getting coffee for someone or the like – but it’s always there in the back of my mind. It never goes away.

I think it has been lingering in the recess’ of my head for a while now, waiting to sprout. It is perhaps long overdue, which could be why it’s been here for such a long time. The impact hit properly when I watched an episode of Lost – yes, I’m watching Lost religiously now – in which my favourite character, Charlie, was strangled. I thought he was going to die… and had to pause the programme to sob my heart out for about 10 minutes. A little bit over the top, right?

But it has left me as this; the empty husk of who I usually am, constantly wondering if this is all there is to life. Surely there has to be something more, something else, something worthwhile? I submerge myself in mundane projects, music and film because otherwise I’ll go insane. I don’t want my life to be about earning money to get a house, start a family, be a useless pawn in the Illuminati’s grand scheme.

(Yeah, about that last bit. Had a very interesting conversation with G from 18 and found she considered herself Wicca, is a conspiracy theorist and has a demonic presence living in her basement). You see? It’s conversations like that which keep me wondering, happy, and fill life with adventure.

I’m in two minds about Lost as well now, because I found out Charlie sacrifices himself in Series 3 and I don’t know if I can handle it. I think he’s great; just like Mitchell, Loki, but not really. He’s a sweetheart, a darling… who just has a bad heroin addiction. Well, he did and then got clean on the Island, so now he’s just wonderful. I don’t know; there’s something about characters like those three that just draw me in. It’s another of my Complexes, I think. My heart reaches out to broken men. I was going to say that it’s ironic, because I’ve never met a broken man in my ‘real’ life but that’s a lie – two boys I’ve fancied have been what I would consider ’broken’. Not that they’re addicts or changlings, I was 12/14 at the time respectively, but still.

Listening to Kodaline‘s album at the moment as well. It’s flipping good, I kept hearing about them and decided I’d buy the CD. Worth it. But I guess that’s enough of my ranting for the moment: I’ve got to to write two A4 pieces of paper on Recto Verso, so I can send if off to a writing competition. Wish me luck!

Summer Time

It’s been too long since I last wrote; I really need to get the hang of actually sticking around. It’s like I can’t actually keep to anything – I can’t commit. I’ve found it in relationships, tasks, books, writing… Most things, really. Though it’s only been the case lately, and I’m hoping that because summer’s here now that’s all going to change.

I went home last week (did 4 weeks of AOC, home, now back for a final week of AOC) and that was nice. Cleaned up the house, took the dogs walking, tried to organise my room – but ultimately failed, so it’s a job sitting at home waiting for me – and just generally bummed around. It was a nice break and wasn’t too demanding. I didn’t feel like I needed a hobby yet, either, because I knew that I was coming back to AOC for a final month. But that’s not going to be how it is when I go back home starting next week. My driving test is one week today, so hopefully by the time I make it home I will be legally allowed to drive on roads. Now that’s a little scary.

Unfortunately I’m a little out on a limb though, in terms of the future. I got one point less than what was needed to make either of my University offers, and Exeter has already written me an email saying that I will probably have to wait until the A level results come out on the 15th of August before they can make a decision whether or not to let me stay, and whether I can be considered for their course. Nottingham hasn’t even gotten in touch about anything yet, but they’re only my back up.

So there are all these questions going around and around my head to do with my future. I was always sure that I was going to get into Uni, was going to get stuck in to the two subjects I actually enjoy, and was going to make something of myself. Now I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to go; if not, then it’s going to have to be an unforeseen gap year that I take, and that’s a whole lot of free time I’m not sure what to do with.

I’ve always had a plan, but right now the power is really not in my hands, which is kind of frightening and exhilarating at the same time. I think part of me though, more than anything, just wants to be living in the now. Here in time and place, not thinking about moving forwards. I’m glad I’ve got this final week here at AOC summer, but I will be glad when I can go home. I will be glad when I don’t have to think or be energised. I don’t know.

I think I might be stuck in a little bit of a rut.

I don’t want to be on my own, but there’s effort into speaking to people. I’m a little confused. Restless. Without purpose, not wanting a purpose. Tired. So tired, and that’s actually because I was getting up with the dogs at like 6AM every morning so that Socks didn’t pee in the house. I think what I need most is a holiday. So I can get out of this rut, this life block that plagues me. I just feel very detached from it all and I’m not sure why. There is no motivation left in me for anything, and that’s probably why it’s taken me so long to actually getting around to writing all of this down. Even now it’s more effort than I’m willing to put in.

Part of it also is that I’ve stopped being plagued by thoughts, so I don’t really know what to say. I’m not having any inner monologues, and this isn’t the type of blog where I would just be like “Hey guys, today I did ______, here’s a picture of ______, doesn’t it look so fun?”

Life is fun. Life is good. It’s just… fairly uneventful. I think I need a hobby.

Almost One Month Later

Several things have happened since I last posted - not that it matters how much time there is between posts, but I started this blog for a reason and mean to keep it going, not just leave it after a couple (or 50) posts and never look at it again.

It’s just that I have had an extremely busy month. I have finished my IB exams. I’ve graduated from High School. I’ve gotten stupidly drunk, cried my eyes out, stayed up all night, visited fields at three in the morning, written letters and in yearbooks, packed up posters that I’ve had on walls for two years, moved out of a room that has been on my home for two years, and said good bye to friends who I potentially will never see again. At least, not for a long time.

That kinda takes it out of a person. I think that also, considering all the other things that have been going on, I haven’t had the time to really think about AC. Leaving AC. Having friends disappear off to other continents. People keep asking me how I am, and I just say: Happy.

That’s the thing – I am very happy at the moment, but probably because I’ve pushed all the pensiveness away for the time being. I can’t think too deeply because there’s not enough time to. Either that, or I figure that by now I’m just good at goodbyes. I’ve done it so many times and I’ve come to the realisation that it doesn’t matter what country I’m in, and whether my friends are thousands of mines away or sitting right beside me – they’re still going to be my friends.

I’m doing AOC summer at the moment, working with kids, getting sun burnt, chilling out in the sun (whenever it’s there) with people. There’s no drama, no questioning my place, stature, thoughts, ability, or anything like that. No personal turmoil, no insecurities. This is how things are supposed to be, and I’m glad for the chance for it to happen with such a wonderful group of people and in the environment I love.

But right now I think I should go. It’s almost 8 in the evening, I need a shower, and then I’m going to watch a movie and potentially sleep.

Life of Luxury?

There hasn’t been much going on that I feel the need to report. Hager keeps on asking my (mostly when he’s had a cider or two) if I’m doing okay. I don’t really know how to respond to the question, because he doesn’t tend to believe me when I say yes.
The truth is, I’m doing pretty magnificently. I’m just… stuck in a rut, I guess. Most of the time while doing AOC Summer I haven’t been able to think and ponder over all the big questions that usually get me down – plus, I’m in a very relaxed environment. All social insecurities are gone because there aren’t that many people around, and I don’t feel the need to be anyone but myself. At the same time, I think that does have negatives to it, because I stop reining in my bad habits, my bossiness, sarcastic snarling nature… all because I’m almost too comfortable being here.

It’s great fun, especially when the weather is nice. We went Go-Karting on Saturday: Si, M, 4 x Canadians, Tall Irish, Miika, Mari, Australian Woman, Isaac and Me (so not all the AOC crew, but a fair few of us). It was so much fun – the most interesting, amazing, hilarious time I’ve had in quite a while and I really enjoyed it. That’s what life is like here most of the time. I’m tired, shattered even, and a bit headachy, so my body isn’t totally 100% but it’s okay because my mind and soul are.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to go home, but at the same time I’m not sure how I feel about that and I haven’t really tried to explore the emotions. Driving is going well and hopefully I’ll pass my test when I sit it on the 15th of July… almost everyone here will be gone before then, bar a few Brits including myself, the Canadians and J.C. It’s a weird thought – in two weeks time I’ll have lost most of the AC people, but at the same time I’ll still be on AC campus. It doesn’t feel like it did when I was at school though. The entire atmosphere of the place has changed.

We also had a treasure hunt on Thursday night just gone (today is Monday). It was absolutely fantastic. There are so many things that Si, Rob and M (though maybe not Rich) put on for us, their ‘staff’ but also I guess friends, to bond and chill and work together. It almost makes me want to work in the Outdoor Education system – there are so many opportunities to do incredible things.

Playlist of Awesome

I realise that I haven’t written for a really long time, and to be honest there is a fair amount to talk about – my thoughts have been whirring double time, every kind of psychological question up in there – but I have also been ‘studying’ for and doing my IB exams, so I think a little slack is deserved.

THEREFORE. Below there will be found the playlist of Now, great songs that I am enjoying for future me to be nostalgic over or whatever.

Yes, the first two are Fall Out Boy, but just as a note of reference: the entire album is the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard. I love every single song. That’s never happened before. Not even with Anberlin… but potentially with Imagine Dragons is possible.

1. Just One Yesterday – Fall Out Boy
2. Young Volcanos – Fall Out Boy
3. Dreams (Fleetwood Mac Cover) – Bastille and Gabrielle Alpin
4. Poet – Bastille
5. Panic Station – MUSE
6. Why Should I Worry? – Billy Joel (Oliver and Company Soundtrack)
7. Hurricane – MS MR
8. Tip Toe – Imagine Dragons

Yeah; and now I’m a little bit preoccupied with finding out how I can get tickets to see Bastille, Imagine Dragons or FOB. Nothing yet.

Good Pages

1. http://menwithpens.ca/fiction-writing-week-creating-prejudice-in-fantasy/
2. http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/index.shtml?personality
3. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/game-of-thrones/
4. http://www.healthnowwealthforever.com/health/natural-first-aid-kit/
5. http://thumbpress.com/diagrams-pictures-of-life-hacks-to-make-your-life-easier/
6. http://www.webpagefx.com/blog/web-design/psychology-of-color-infographic/

Nostalgia, Books & Thought Processes

Today is the Tuesday of End of Codes. I am also taking time out here from working hard on my PPP to have a moment to reflect on what’s been going on for the past few days inside my head.

Lots, really. Lots and lots.

-The PPP, number one.
-I passed my (theory) driving test yesterday (wooo!)
-Books. I miss books.
-There are so many things I need to read.
-So many reasons why I need to write.
-I enjoy being back into punk-rock-esk stuff.
-Why my iPod sometimes goes screwy.
-I’m actually afraid that I will fail the IB.
-I’m so aware, so conscious, of other people’s opinions of me.
-I need everyone to like me.
-I need to please everyone. Doesn’t matter who.

But perhaps we should go into a couple of these in more detail.  Some (the last two mainly) are to do with complexes. Others (PPP and failing the IB) are just me freaking out a little bit, they’re the ones I can deal with.

Starting from yesterday, then. I had a pretty average day at school, then went to Cardiff. Several things happened there. I passed my driving theory test, and ate Wok to Walk for the first time. But it was also the first time that I’d been in the city – any city – by myself since I lived in Singapore. I never realised I missed it.
I’m so comfortable with my own company, and there was a sense of nostalgia that I got walking through Cardiff city centre on my own, listening to music and watching people, that was so powerful it really made me think.

I just went into Waterstones, like I used to go into Borders, and browsed. I miss the easy silence of book shops – the way that no one cares about you there, because we’re all searching for a story, an escape, an idea or some knowledge, that only we can find. It absorbs me; seriously, if I walk into a book shop, I’m lost to whoever I’m with at the time. It’s like I’m in a trance, just me and the books on the shelves. And the smell – OH, what a fantastic smell books have.

I walked around a little bit more, but didn’t have much time. The arcades were interesting, and there were so many people for me to watch. Everywhere. I know humans are essentially pack animals, but sometimes I think a lot of us take it over the top. When we can’t stand to be alone. I used to love being alone. I used to love who I was. But coming back to the UK changed that, I think. I stopped being able to get public transport. I stopped being comfortable with myself because I wasn’t comfortable with my environment. It isn’t a lie when I tell people I used to walk around at lunch time at my own – God, I can empathise with Cady from Mean Girls, I was almost eating lunch in the bathroom. It wasn’t like that in Singapore. I thrived on my own – I was writing stories, swimming, taking public transport everywhere, going into town by myself just to be by myself. Yeah, sure, at first it was a bit nerve-wracking because I didn’t know where I would be, but I always found my way.

The difference is, most of the time now, I feel lost. Lost in the middle of a crowd.
And the anxieties I felt as a kid, 3rd-4th-5th-6th grade, they’re all here again.

For instance, when Staple was harsh last night I reacted so badly. I didn’t want him angry with me even though I knew that he was just being a dick and that really I hadn’t done anything wrong. But I know if I see him at any point now I’ll feel like a worm is crawling up through my heart. It’s a horrible feeling. It’s a similar heart-clenching that I get when ever I feel like I’ve done something wrong or made someone sad -and I know it’s completely irrational.  Today. Lopez – I had a wonderful chat with her, nothing was wrong, and then I said that I “better go” because I had to come and do some work. Just at that moment, Red Jacket came over to talk to me, so we walked away together. I forgot to say bye to Lopez. Just that. Forgot to turn around and acknowledge her, acknowledge I was leaving her.

I feel awful about it. Obviously I don’t think she really cares – when I eventually looked back she’d put her sunglasses back on and was continuing to read (as she had done when I came over), and Red Jacket didn’t seem to think we’d done anything wrong. But just that simple lack of courtesy I showed - just that forgetful moment (that if someone had done to me, I wouldn’t really be bothered about)… I feel like she was saddened. Like I did something wrong, and that our level of friendship went down a click. I ignored her. But didn’t. But I don’t know if she was waiting for me, the ‘cya’ on her lips. To be fair, probably not. But it still ties me up in knots.

Stupid, really.

I probably just think about things. Way, way too much.

It's All Right

Notice, the difference. It’s alright. It’s all right.
Which I feel like it is, at the moment. Even though I haven’t got anywhere with the PPP yet and I was hoping to finish it yesterday (oops) and next week is End of Codes, and I haven’t even started revision when everyone else is doing nothing but studying.

It still feels right, and good, and I am happy. Probably happier than I’ve been in a while – though I was thrown on Tueday, because of a video I don’t really want to think about. Shocked and horrified me to the core, and though the feelings are numbed I feel sick just thinking about it. So I won’t, I’ll pretend it didn’t exist.

Went to the gym yesterday and the day before, haven’t done much in terms of working (as previously mentioned) but I have found all of the music that I used to love listening to, and I think it was a [cheesy] part of me that was missing. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so all over the place yesterday. I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t have a way to get rid of all the pent-up aggression but music does that for me. I just hope I don’t overplay Fall Out Boy’s new album Save Rock and Roll to the point where in the future it becomes something I can’t listen to anymore…

I’d love to see them live. I’d love to see many people live. I just want to go to concerts. And dance. Honestly, I could just dance for the rest of my days. If dancing (obviously, not choreographed specific styles of dancing but my dancing) was a career choice, I would definitely go for it. To earn money for dancing? Awesome. But then I guess that’s pretty much the same as any other career in the Arts industry, and that’s what I love about it. You get to do what you want and get payed for it. Even if it is bloody difficult, getting to a place where that’s an ability.

Good times. Happy body. Happy mind. You know, just generally in a good mood.
Time to do some work.

A Word on Doctor Who

“It’s about friendship and bravery and love and loss”
“Being human and being less than human and sometimes a bit more than human”
“Finding the extraordinary in the seemingly ordinary”
“It’s about looking inside yourself and realising you’re far greater than the external conditions of your life"
“Embracing your inner darkness so that you can stand in the light of your truth.”

“It’s about having the guts to do what’s right even when everyone else just runs away”

Yeah. That’s what Doctor Who is about. 

Theatre Code

I don’t really know how to begin. I don’t really know what I’m trying to say with this post, but I feel like I should type because otherwise I’m going to stress out. I need to do my Theatre coursework, really, rather than writing this, but something’s come over me.
I was just on Facebook and looking through profiles of people that were my friends back at Crick High. It’s weird, but for a moment I missed it. I think it was just that back there everything was relatively simple – the people were relatively simple, and I had my select few friends and was fine with that. I didn’t have guy problems and this constant nagging need to be accepted which I sometimes feel here at AC.
That’s why AC is such a blessing and a curse at the same time. It makes me feel all these foolish negative things that I felt in Sing and was just coming to terms with – except now I have to try and get over that once again and there’s no time.

I feel so bad. I deleted the piece of writing that was for the new Theatre Coursework 2-day trail thing. Theatre First Year needed it. Oh, why? Silly, silly me.

Put On Your Warpaint.

god how I have missed Fall Out Boy. I’m so glad they’re back together, it’s like my entire emo-phase was worth something. No wonder I had all these badass story ideas. I’m almost wanting to write Cassie’s final adventure – but no, not allowed. Got to finish Recto Verso before I do that. All part of the master plan.

There were all these things I wanted to talk about – write about – here, but now they’ve all disappeared from my head. Something about Facebook making me realise how strange life is, how fickle. Been going on Writers Cafe a lot more which I don’t think it particularly a good thing. I should really start studying for the IB soon… it’s only a month away. Crazy times.

Also, Game of Thrones Series 3 came out on the 31st of March. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I’ve only seen the first episode but it looks like it’s going to be as good as the two series’ that have already come out. I just wish GRRM would hurry up and write the next book – it’s not like he has to go Uni, complete the IB, work over the summer and do countless other things. Nope. But I guess that’s not fair really, seeing as he does have a load of other things to do. Life does seem to get in the way of what we truly want to do. But according to this article: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/game-of-thrones/9945808/Game-of-Thrones-Interview-with-George-RR-Martin.html 

There is an explanation as to why he takes so long to write each book. I mean even I don’t read over every other chapter done by the character before I continue the story. Which I would think was probably very good to get into the character’s head, but still quite time-consuming.

Why do I always feel at my best when listening to fairly angry music? That’s so weird. But I think it explains why I’ve been all over the place, listening to all this peaceful music that comes from Fam. Not peaceful, probably depressing. But definitely chilled, and definitely not the kind of motivation I need. I need this - sweet guitar chords and heavy drums, hit the high hat, sing about misery. Yep.

Tea By The Sea

It’s Good Friday, and it’s freakin’ hot in this dining room. Then again I am sitting in a fluffy dressing gown next to a radiator that’s burning even though I’ve already (hopefully) turned it off.

No writing’s been done, but it’s always difficult to get back into – and I don’t particularly want to write Recto Verso at the moment. I should probably sort myself out; the green book that has been left at home has all the notes for RV in it and I’m kinda lost without it.

In other news, I feel gross. Gross and stuffy and warm and fat.  Urgh. I wish it would change. Hager mentioned the other day that when I had the Halloween-Break Down I yelled: “I’m hideous!” It’s amusing to think of myself sobbing that, and I can tell exactly what would have been going through my head at that point. Hehehe, so self centred, self pitying, insecure.

Why do I laugh at that? It’s not funny.

Can’t help it; just in my nature not to accept emotions.

It’s just so frustrating, I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. Not that I try very hard to change my ways, and every time I go back to school I say “this time it’ll be different.” This time, I’ll try. Determination. Self-control. Willingness. None of that shit’s ever worked.What is wrong with me? Here comes the roller-coaster again, up and down, round and round, in and out. Just let me get off. I want to get off, and be happy with my body, my life, my mind, my situation. 

Is it so difficult for that to happen?

But I know the answer to my own question. It’s not. It’s not that hard, I’m just not trying.

try. try. try a little harder you fucking twat, waste of space.

It’s no wonder no one wants you. 

Characters.

Tonight isn’t a night about thought-provoking revelations or questioning my own nature. It’s healthy to not always think about those things, I think, and being at home for the 5-day Easter break really helps too. I’m so tired of thinking, the stress that comes with it and just generally being around people I have to make an effort with. But that’s a story for another day.

Right now what I was is images – inspiration for me to actually start writing properly again, because according to the List I should finish Recto Verso before going to Uni this October. Also I’ve promised Tuna that the RP would be finished by then too. So it’s probably a good idea to get them done and to have a couple of things on here to glance at and get inspiration from.

Here are 12 of the main characters for the RP – I love them all, some more than others, including Leona. I don’t know where I’d be without them, they have literally been one of the biggest parts of my childhood and the thought of letting them go scares me half to death.

Lukey, Lukey, Lukey. What has he done now? I can imagine where in Recto Verso this would fit.

Yay! They’re happy; Luke & Abby, in one of their better moments. Doesn’t happen so often, but pictures like these and thoughts that go with them give me hope.

Heartbreak(ers) & Empire

Thursday night after doing a full day of Theatre stuff. Still on a weird emotional roller coaster that I think has a lot to do with my current position, thoughts about the future, and general restlessness that comes with probably not doing enough exercise. I have begun to be able to notice the change within myself when it happens – frightening, but good to know. It’s just frustrating to have to go through the downward side when I know there is no reason. To prove something to myself, I have decided to create a list. Of all the males in my life that have been romantically inclined to me, or that I have been romantically inclined too. This is a FULL list, even dating back to when I was about 6 and didn’t know what ‘liking’ someone really meant.

And it’s to prove that thoughts being held currently (well, not now, but the ones I have about three times a day during a downward spiral) mean nothing. That I will laugh about them in the future, and that right now there are bigger and better things to be getting on with. Let’s begin:

• Brodie – age: 5? ‘Liked’ me, was annoyed/enjoyed the attention. He left the country.
• T. Alt – ages 7-12? Best mates in grade 1-3, then again in about grade 5-6, went on dates in the later years, never really fancied him that way but he ‘liked’ me and I was willing to go with it. Left the country. Is now fit as fuck and I miss his friendship but assume he’s changed.
• Braces – ages 12-15. This time it was actually three years. Liked each other, end of grade 5, ended in disaster. Came back in grade 6 still (assuming I was) head over heels in love with the guy. Hated me. Worst year of my life, in fact. Grades 6-7, he caused so much grief and pain. Totally not worth the effort and the ‘agony’ I thought I was feeling.
• Shark-bite – age 12? 13? Fancied him, he was 14. Didn’t last long, went on one date. Got freaked out when he said he wanted to hook up with me so ended it. Ha…
• Emo – God, when even was this? age 15? What an absolute waste of time and effort, never had feelings reciprocated and I absolutely wanted his love so bad… Just feel stupid thinking about it, pining over someone who was just a bit of a twat.
• Arrowsmith – I completely forgot about him, oops. How could I do that? Grade 8, age 15? Went out for two months, began to get into it, went on Christmas holidays and completely lost all feelings. It could have been wonderful, but he ‘liked’ me more. I need(ed) balance, and it wasn’t there. Sorry. I truly am, I never meant to hurt.
• Finchy – age 16. I miss him. I miss him so much, he was wonderful. It never finished, because I had to move to the fucking UK and now he’s gone, and I’ll never see him again. I don’t even know where he is anymore – moved back to the UK too but doesn’t have freaking facebook. I doubt he even remembers me, but I hope to God we meet again. Such a great guy, good friend, oh I miss him.
• Birmingham – age 16, UK. Never really wanted it, hooked up at a party because my friend was ‘with’ his best friend. Didn’t think I’d see him again, but ended up meeting… twice more? Wanted me to go out with him. Turned him down. No remorse.
• Summer ’12 – MY WORD, what utter nonsense. To think that I spent all those hours thinking and lamenting over a guy such as him… it makes me shudder to think about. I wanted to lose it to him. I was so ready to. I was so happy when he was with me, it was all such a mess. I almost cried when it got difficult. Why did I feel so strongly about it? Makes no sense whatsoever. Now that I think about it, should have left it as a casual summer romance. Shouldn’t have thought I actually loved him. Grief not worth it at all.
• Brit-German – 17. AC. First year. Fair enough, fancied him for a fair while. Turns out he’s just a bit of a prick when it comes to girls, and only chases the ones who don’t want him. Never reciprocated my feelings, at least I don’t think he did. I felt too much, perhaps, when it comes down to it. There was so much tension there, so much aching and paining and wanting and admiration. Seems I didn’t have my head on right, but rose-goggles do that I guess.
• Seagulls – 17. AC. First year. Brilliant, brilliant guy. Managed to dip my toe in the ‘love’ pool with this one, I guess. It was a fairly deep almost-three-month relationship. Again, Christmas ruined it, with the added spice of still being close with Brit-German, who I assumed something would happen with if I wasn’t with Seagulls. I know I broke his heart, and I don’t know why I did it. I guess not feeling it anymore was a good enough reason to end it.
• The Boy – 17-18. AC. Second year. What. Am. I. Doing? It’s pretty clear how pining after someone ends up – laughable, absolutely amusing and nothing much else. He’s not one of the ones I will look back at and think “wonderful”; he’s one of the ones that I will look back and think “what an manslut”. Love him to pieces as a friend, but do not approve of his romantic AC life story. Been with the New Girl quite a long time though, so if it makes it to the end of the year I’ll have to take that back.
There it is then. Everything up to the present. Looking back has really helped, I think, to understand where I need to go from here. It’s possible to be happy, very much so. I just don’t need this type of happiness – the romantic, two-into-one-entity happiness – just yet. Otherwise the list might get too long.
*


• In other news, the new Star Trek: Into Darkness trailer makes the film look EPIC and I can’t wait to see it (out in the UK on May 10th). Also, Thor 2 is coming out (October 30th?) and there’s some guy doing a cameo in it – I read on Empire – but that’s not really the point here. The point here is that fans of Tom Hiddleston have become known as ‘Hiddlestoners’… what the actual fuck? I mean don’t get me wrong, I’ve never fan-girled over someone as much as I do for Tom Hiddleston but come on, people, please! What is the world coming to when we must give a name for everything? It puts his fans on the same level as “Beliebers” and “Twihards” – and I for one am not pleased to be labelled among such cretin.

15 Minutes

Left, ticking on the clock,
just like through the looking glass
where Alice used to wait -for something to happen,
learn something new and shiny and bright
without the pressures from the Queen.
Hearts beating, rhythm constant,beat, beat, beat… tick, tick, tick;
and yet hands fly across the page.The silence; weighted, axes
above their necks, listening
for orders to come from above
and bring them slicing down.
They thought treason had caused their fate
but they just ran out of time.
Pens dropping with clatters and the sighs,
an orchestra of voices, spiralling
through air and thoughts, fears and hopes.They don’t know which bottle to drink,
if the cake can be trusted -
desperation makes it easy to click the ruby heels
and pray that home is close by.
Labels wrap themselves around
the pinky finger of each lost soul;they tried – they really, really tried,
in investigations, complex mazes,
to answer everything you asked.
But it’s finished now,
the war is done. Come out from under cover.
Alice is back in the real world,this IB exam is over. 

"I Want To Tie You Off"

Pretty interesting title to this here post, but in fairness it’s a quote that I took from Hager. It also, when not in a dodgy context, is exactly what I’m trying to do – with the Boy, who else? It’s funny, he’s sitting only about a metre away from me as I write this in the G-house quiet room, on a computer that’s about to run out of battery.

As explained (or more like mentioned) yesterday, things are good. Looking up from whatever rut I was stuck in, mixed emotions and odd feelings as thoughts went around and around in my head. Things that I just couldn’t get over and stop being frustrated with because they hadn’t been closed, I hadn’t been able to tie off the fraying ends of the ribbons that make up some of the aspects of my life. What I’ve come to the conclusion about is the fact that I’m fed up with feeling confused – I have only so much time left here at AC and I don’t want to waste that thinking about stuff that doesn’t really matter. I want to have everything in its place – friends, work, play, summer, jobs, IB, activities, body issues, etc, etc. Everything, ALL OF IT. I want to be in control of my life and once upon a time earlier this year I got there and it all blew to pieces when I started having the Feels for the Boy.

That shit’s going to end now; here, today. Part of it will end when I talk to him about things, because after conversing with Hager I’ve decided to do that. Bit of a nerve wracking thing to do, that’s for sure, but I think he’s right when he says that there’s just a lack of communication. Potentially I’m just going to make things worse – and I’ll be devastated if I lose the Boy’s friendship because I really do consider him one of my best guy friends at this school – but fingers crossed, it won’t. Then he’ll stop being hot & cold with me, we can talk openly, tease each other and I’ll actually be able to openly love him the way I do  (the same way I love Hager, Mari – or any of my other friends) without him getting the wrong impression.

Yes, maybe occasionally when I see him with his other girl there is some kind of twinge, but partly that could be due to wounded pride if I think he ‘chose’ her. I mean I value myself not necessarily highly but as worth something so it’s not nice to be rejected like that. Also, he is one of my close friends and so I do care what he thinks of me – and if he and his new female (which is not the same as the one I ranted about in earlier posts, just as a side note) snicker together in the back of the room just as I get up to say poetry in front of an audience, of course I’m going to feel a little stab of insecurity. Honestly, who wouldn’t? I’m not that numb. The complexes do get to me even though I try to stop them.

So yeah, that’s one aspect of life that I’m about to get sorted – for better or for worse. Hopefully for the better, because I was looking forward to having the Boy as my Game of Thrones-watching buddy. He hasn’t read the books so seeing his reactions to certain things will, I’m sure, be highly entertaining.

In other news, I still have a lot of updating to do about what happened during the Awesome Foursome weekend, Project Week, Paris, and since I’ve been back. However, all of it seems a little out dated right now so I’ll have to figure out a way of explaining everything that happened without whinging (if I’m going to be able to sort things straight the way I want to). In other news, tonight was Pooch’s Poetry Slam and I read out two of my poems. Fairly good reception of them, I thought, but I didn’t realise that a Poetry Slam actually consists of Spoken Word Poetry which is more about writing and saying a story in a rhythm with thoughts mixed in with it – not as abstract as what I usually write. It was good though, and I think I’m going to try and write a ‘story’ for if Pooch does another one.

Also, signed up and am training for the 10K. I’ll let you know how it goes (it’s this Sunday). I also have a check list which I am slowly managing to get through and it is my mission to have everything crossed off it before the end of this week – or if not all of it, the majority of it, because some things will have to wait until I get back from my Easter Holiday.

Well. That was definitely a long one. 

Wish me luck with all the endeavours of the next few days.
Bitches be getting their life back together.