Dearest NJ

It was exactly a year ago today that you died. 

I mean, you know this, it happened to you. 

But I hope that when you went, it was peacefully, and that where-ever you are now, you are happy and relaxed, in full, boundless health. 

You probably with a glass of white wine in your hand. You're probably admiring your new garden, the one you've worked on and watered, the one that with your hands you have helped flourish. You might be watching the birds, or reading- maybe in French. Did you decide to keep that up, once you moved on? Do they need so many languages, where-ever you are? 

I know that Radio 4 is probably on in the background. Are you with Stan, and Emma? Anyone else that you love who went on-wards before you? I hope so. I hope that you are all together, and you are enjoying the sunshine, wearing a marvelously big straw hat. Do you all play bridge together, and swear, but then try and hide it from the children? With your laugh ringing out, a delighted cry that still echos in my ears and in my soul whenever I think about you.

There was probably a BBQ, wasn't there? With chicken skewers like the ones I made for you and you said were really tasty, that Saturday afternoon last year that was the final day of bliss. I hope that you've been baking again- your Victoria sponges were always my favourite- or maybe you've been down to the strawberry fields to pick the berries right out of the bush to have with cream.

I don't know.  I don't know how things are, where-ever you are, but my heart vibrates with the knowledge that it's a good place. Because that's what you deserve. Only the best. Whether that's Moet champagne that needs to be drunk with ice, in crystal glasses, or the top spot in the afterlife. It's all the same. It should all be for you. 

Things are a bit... trickier down here. I don't want to say "what have you missed" because you probably haven't missed anything- you've probably been watching, looking out for us, occasionally exasperated by our choices and wanting to jab us with that pointy NJ-finger. I wouldn't mind a jab now. Though I'd much prefer a NJ hug; to stoop a little to cuddle you and breathe in your classic NJ scent. I'd know it anywhere.

So yes, what's been going on since you've been away? I handed in my final project for the MA, yesterday! That was a big one. Still waiting for it to be marked, I'll let you know how that goes. 

Further back... We sold your house. It had to be done, I'm afraid, but I know you don't mind. I've still got a bunch of your clothes and books, your salad spinner and some of those crystal glasses! I've got that silver ring of yours, I play with it as relentlessly on my own finger as I always wanted to do when it was on yours. Ellie has your gold one (it didn't fit my podgy pinkie). 

Ry and I are buying our own flat. All that should be sorted in the next few months, and that will be because of you. The rest of 2019, after you left, was... uneventful? I lost some weight. I put it back on. I'm making an effort to lose it again. Summer passed in a haze of work and visiting friends. I spent Christmas with Ry's family; Dad was in Asia. I don't think he will want to do that again. I think this year we will all need to be together. I'm glad that we got to have your last Christmas on this mortal plane with us; it was such fun. 

We thought 2020 was going to be "the year", the good one - but Ry then lost his job. He found another so no issues there. But then the pandemic came, and now we haven't left the house apart from local shops and parks since mid March. It's a bit weird, and a bit boring, but I've done some painting. I've self-tanned for the first time (what do you think of that?). 

I've bought some new clothes, which I hope would satisfy you, and stop you thinking I look too old for my age! I know you were concerned, back when we were in Cannes for the 21st, but I hadn't found myself then. I can't say exactly that I've found myself now, but I'm working on it. My hair's been getting long. The world is still turning, and the plants are still growing, but the humans are tucked inside their homes, for the most part. Work is still on, but in dangerous waters. School went completely online. 

Things are now beginning to go back, somewhat, to the way they were, but I hope that at least some things change. I hope that we are better moving forwards; I know I will try to be. And, honestly, I'm glad that you moved on before this all kicked off. It would have been way too hard to watch you go from afar, just a phone call or the like, not being able to hop on a train and come down for that final, amazing weekend. Well, half-amazing. The other half, not so much, but I'm glad I could be there to help you.

I am so happy I was able to be there for you, with you, when you needed me. I remember our last conversation, that real- we probably both knew how real, too- goodbye that we were able to have. I will never forget the way you took my hand, and gave my cheek a kiss, and told me that you loved me. I hope, where-ever you are, that you remember that I replied in kind, that I loved you too, and said I'd see you soon. I meant it, too. Maybe not soon by mortal standards, but I'm assuming where-ever you are that our concept of time is irrelevant. 

So, for me, it might be a long time before I see you again, but I'm sure that for you it will seem soon. Because we will see each other again; somewhere down the line, when it is my time, I will join you where you are- and what a reunion it will be. Until then, I know you'll be with me, in all the things I do. Doesn't stop me missing you, of course. I miss you a lot, and our times in Milverton. I miss the past, as I'm sure you know (now that you probably have the ability to see in my head), but I miss you more than that. I miss you all the time. But I can live with that, because missing you means that you're still in my head, the memories flashing past all the time, and in there you are alive, and so bright. 

Where-ever you are, I'm sure you're even brighter. 

Seven Weeks and Counting

Not much has changed in the last seven weeks of 'lockdown'. I have gone from having plans almost every weekend - including two weddings - to spending each and every weekend in my house and in the garden. The furthest I have travelled is the local park and local small shops; that was, until the other day, when I ventured as far as the local town to go to the pharmacy.

It's a weird time to be alive. The government's latest advice is that we are now allowed to go out to exercise as many times as we like (instead of for an hour), but we have to stay in our household groups. Apparently, though, we're also allowed to meet "one person from outside the household in an outdoor area" as long as you stay 2-metres apart; and we're allowed to "drive as far as we want" to go to outdoor areas... Stupid, it seems to me, when 500+ people are still dying every day from the virus. 

So we've taken decisive action... which is to ignore government advice about going outside and continue in our own form of lockdown, following the same rules that lockdown had - out only for the shops or to exercise once a day, and otherwise stay in the house. I mean, makes sense, when Wales, Scotland and NI are continuing their lockdowns and clearly stating that no English people should cross the borders to enjoy the other countries' natural areas of beauty. 

Anyway! On to brighter and better things. The countdown is on for my MA final deadline, I've got... exactly two weeks until it is due. Strangely, I'm feeling confident about it - I don't think I've ever had this much of my shit together for a Uni deadline so early. There's still another edit to do on my play, and still a proposal and five-year-plan to write, but I feel like those will be simple enough to do when I've got two weekends stuck at home before the deadline, as well as a bank holiday with nowhere to go...

I'm doing yoga much more often, and trying to get into meditation. I've been painting with acrylics, and actually enjoying my own creations. I've been sleeping better; eating probably more healthily, running further than ever before - and not getting tired so quickly; and exercising more consistently than ever before. Strangely, this "pause" in time (brought on by such a terrible thing) has been relatively successful for all the different parts of my life I was ignoring before. 

In other news, I've become good friends with a group of ladies through YUW, on Discord. We have book club, we've done a pub quiz, and we're starting up a D&D campaign where I will be acting as DM (my first time as the storyteller!) I feel like, for the first time, I have actually found my 'tribe'. My gang, that I snug into like a puzzle piece so easily fitting. 

It's not like I've been searching for this previously, I have always had plenty of friends, but I've always kinda felt like I've had to give certain parts of myself to certain people: butterflying around, being different people and sharing different sides of myself but not the whole (apart from, of course, the Original friend, Mads, who knows me as closely and as deeply as the brother or sister do, seeing as I've known her since I was five and she's basically a blood sister). 

Instead, now, this Accidental Coven (as we call ourselves) have bonded more closely than I thought nine people over the internet ever could. I was crying with laughter when we did the pub quiz. We can tease each other as well as I can tease friends I've known for years. We have shared a lot with each other, been incredibly open, I think; and we've also helped each other learn new things. Once we're all unlocked from our houses and seeing each other in person, I think it's only going to get better.

All in all, this seven weeks in isolation may have been more of a blessing than a curse. 

Out of the Frying Pan...

The start of this year has officially been wild.

We recovered like a rubber band snapping back from Ry's issues: losing the old job - well, the business going under -wasn't a great start, but it didn't affect our mortgage, it didn't affect our flat purchase, and he ended up in a new job that's much better, with higher pay and more security (in the sense that the business is steady and not about to go under any time soon). I would call it a 'scale up' business rather than the start-up that he used to work for (which, come to think of it, had been starting up for the last ten years so what does that tell you).

However. How. Ever.

COVID-19 - Coronavirus - for the first two months of the year, seemed to be a rumour going around. We knew other countries had it, we knew that China was dealing with it and I'm pretty sure everyone in the UK laughed and said that people needed to stop fear-mongering; "it's just the flu", we said, "we don't need to worry". I was definitely guilty of laughing off the potential threat, and was urging people to calm down and not worry...

Hindsight is 2020, and I can't believe how idiotic and naive I was. I didn't read anything, I don't even know where that opinion was formed apart from maybe through social media and shared 'posts'. Not that I'm currently (touch wood) in any danger, but C-19 has changed all our lives.

We have been in lockdown since the 23rd March 2020 - it's five weeks later, and though there might be some light at the end of the tunnel, we don't know how the world is going to change when restrictions start slowly lifting. When I say "lockdown", I mean I have been working from home for the last 6 weeks (one week before lockdown was called), and haven't left the house apart from to go to the local, 5-minute-away shop, or to run around the local park.

I haven't seen anyone in the flesh, apart from my housemates (Westerly, Ry, Pitard) and random strangers at the park. I haven't touched anyone, given any hugs, apart from to Ry and Westerly. All my MA sessions have now gone online. I communicate with work people through email. It's all very strange, and sometimes constricting. The Easter bank holiday weekend was spent in the back garden; weekends are now more boring than week days... and weirdly, I've done more exercise than I've ever done in my adult life.

May was supposed to be the month we handed in our rent-notice, with completion on the flat happening at the end of the month/early June. But now... everything is halted. Paused. Sitting idle, not going away as such, not falling apart, just... waiting. I guess, kind of like taking a breather. It's not bad... I actually quite like the work-from-home life, I like how much time I have in the morning and how I'm now getting more sleep.

I like that I can do more yoga and stretching, exercise at home and go for runs. I like that I've found an online group - an eCoven, if you will - of likeminded spiritual ladies that I chat with on Discord. I never would have found them if things were 'normal'. I like that things are slowing down, that there's not that many planes and I can hear the birds. I like sitting outside in the garden at 3pm, instead of being in the office (though I am worried about my office plants).

I like that everyone I know is still healthy, still safe. I like that I now have a letter from the Prime Minister (what a piece of history). I like that I'm saving money by not commuting - by not really doing anything, because all leisure is cancelled. No restaurants, pubs, clubs, gyms, theatres... anything "un-essential" to our basic needs has been closed.

It's for good reason, I know that. I'm not about to go breaking the rules. But when I wrote that last post, hoping that everything would work out with Ry's work situation and we'd still be able to move and do everything we wanted to for the next step of our lives, it never even occurred to me that we might be walking straight into the fire.

Sugar, Honey, Ice and Tea.

Things have hit the fan in a serious way. It's only day 37 of 2020, but this year so far has been the tallest roller-coaster I've ever had the fear and pleasure to ride. It's not all bad, sure, but it's pretty serious, and waves of panic definitely overwhelm me every now and again. The reason I think it's worth writing down the current going-ons is because I know for sure that I'm going to look back at this time at the end of the year and think Wow. That actually happened.

The year began on a high, with Ry and I getting permission to go ahead and finally - finally! - purchase a home of our own. A cute little one-bed flat in the south of the city, more expensive commute-wise but definitely cheaper than renting our current place. It was all going fairly simple: we got the broker, the solicitor, the house, the approval, the deposit, the mortgage confirmation, the insurance. We started the process, and everything was going incredibly smoothly. We even mentioned that it had been almost too easy, but our Broker said that this was how it was supposed to be. Only the bad experiences are the ones that are remembered. 

And then. Oh, then. 

Ry's company fell apart. No money, no funding. He woke up on the morning of his 25th birthday to discover that he wasn't going to be paid for the month's work, and that he needed to stop all future work because there was no money for future payments. Technically, he's not lost his job: it's just on hold. But his boss absolutely "expects" that he will get a new job before any funding can come in to keep his current company going.

God, and to think when I started this blog my biggest worry was whether boys liked me or not - now I have to deal with the fact that the Man in my life doesn't have a penny to his name, and that our mortgage application has just been shot out of the water and that we might not be able to get the house we've set our hearts on. 

We haven't told anyone on that side of the situation about Ry's difficulties yet. I don't think it's necessary until we absolutely know what's happening with him. But we will eventually need to tell them. I just hope that Ry will have some kind of interview or potential job lined up before that happens, so we can just say he "swapped" to a new position... will the bank except this? We don't know yet. But we have to keep our fingers crossed, and keep looking up. 

Manifest, manifest, manifest. 

Ten Years In

Weirdly, last year I managed to write more blog posts than the past three years combined - but still somehow only wrote for one month out of the whole year. Not only that, but the writing I did do wasn't even personal, or about me - it was just about my writing, and trying to keep writing in a much more constant way. I'm not saying I actually achieved that, but as we roll into 2020 I felt that it would be a good idea to actually share some of my accomplishments from last year. A chance to remind myself that I have actually achieved something, even though I feel like I'm constantly falling behind. 

• Finished the first draft of a short play
• Finished the first draft of a full-length play
• Wrote, directed, edited and published three short films
• Had a poem published in a literary magazine
• Received feedback on a TV show idea from BAFTA
• Gathered ideas for several other projects (including a new plot for R&OI)
• Networked with a production company
• Visited Madeira and Cyprus for work - including writing for CNT
• Read about 10 books (more than I have in a while)

And the start of 2020 has been pretty eventful already too - I've already applied to three competitions, although it's doubtful I will actually hear back from them within the next few months.

Either way, it's onwards and upwards to better things!