Kaleidoscope Eyes

Apparently the title of this post is a Panic! at the Disco song, but I just thought it up and believe it to be rather fitting.

I don’t know where I am. I mean I know where I am literally - I’m sitting on my sofa surrounded by dogs while the Brother plays Fifa13 on his xBox. I mean, I don’t know where my mind is. It’s totally stuck in an agonising rut of despair. It’s one of ‘those’ times, when my heart gets weirdly pulled back in time with the strength of a thousand swords, and life stops having any meaning in this era. Sure, occasionally that feeling goes away when I’m speaking to someone, cooking, watching a programme, getting coffee for someone or the like – but it’s always there in the back of my mind. It never goes away.

I think it has been lingering in the recess’ of my head for a while now, waiting to sprout. It is perhaps long overdue, which could be why it’s been here for such a long time. The impact hit properly when I watched an episode of Lost – yes, I’m watching Lost religiously now – in which my favourite character, Charlie, was strangled. I thought he was going to die… and had to pause the programme to sob my heart out for about 10 minutes. A little bit over the top, right?

But it has left me as this; the empty husk of who I usually am, constantly wondering if this is all there is to life. Surely there has to be something more, something else, something worthwhile? I submerge myself in mundane projects, music and film because otherwise I’ll go insane. I don’t want my life to be about earning money to get a house, start a family, be a useless pawn in the Illuminati’s grand scheme.

(Yeah, about that last bit. Had a very interesting conversation with G from 18 and found she considered herself Wicca, is a conspiracy theorist and has a demonic presence living in her basement). You see? It’s conversations like that which keep me wondering, happy, and fill life with adventure.

I’m in two minds about Lost as well now, because I found out Charlie sacrifices himself in Series 3 and I don’t know if I can handle it. I think he’s great; just like Mitchell, Loki, but not really. He’s a sweetheart, a darling… who just has a bad heroin addiction. Well, he did and then got clean on the Island, so now he’s just wonderful. I don’t know; there’s something about characters like those three that just draw me in. It’s another of my Complexes, I think. My heart reaches out to broken men. I was going to say that it’s ironic, because I’ve never met a broken man in my ‘real’ life but that’s a lie – two boys I’ve fancied have been what I would consider ’broken’. Not that they’re addicts or changlings, I was 12/14 at the time respectively, but still.

Listening to Kodaline‘s album at the moment as well. It’s flipping good, I kept hearing about them and decided I’d buy the CD. Worth it. But I guess that’s enough of my ranting for the moment: I’ve got to to write two A4 pieces of paper on Recto Verso, so I can send if off to a writing competition. Wish me luck!

Summer Time

It’s been too long since I last wrote; I really need to get the hang of actually sticking around. It’s like I can’t actually keep to anything – I can’t commit. I’ve found it in relationships, tasks, books, writing… Most things, really. Though it’s only been the case lately, and I’m hoping that because summer’s here now that’s all going to change.

I went home last week (did 4 weeks of AOC, home, now back for a final week of AOC) and that was nice. Cleaned up the house, took the dogs walking, tried to organise my room – but ultimately failed, so it’s a job sitting at home waiting for me – and just generally bummed around. It was a nice break and wasn’t too demanding. I didn’t feel like I needed a hobby yet, either, because I knew that I was coming back to AOC for a final month. But that’s not going to be how it is when I go back home starting next week. My driving test is one week today, so hopefully by the time I make it home I will be legally allowed to drive on roads. Now that’s a little scary.

Unfortunately I’m a little out on a limb though, in terms of the future. I got one point less than what was needed to make either of my University offers, and Exeter has already written me an email saying that I will probably have to wait until the A level results come out on the 15th of August before they can make a decision whether or not to let me stay, and whether I can be considered for their course. Nottingham hasn’t even gotten in touch about anything yet, but they’re only my back up.

So there are all these questions going around and around my head to do with my future. I was always sure that I was going to get into Uni, was going to get stuck in to the two subjects I actually enjoy, and was going to make something of myself. Now I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to go; if not, then it’s going to have to be an unforeseen gap year that I take, and that’s a whole lot of free time I’m not sure what to do with.

I’ve always had a plan, but right now the power is really not in my hands, which is kind of frightening and exhilarating at the same time. I think part of me though, more than anything, just wants to be living in the now. Here in time and place, not thinking about moving forwards. I’m glad I’ve got this final week here at AOC summer, but I will be glad when I can go home. I will be glad when I don’t have to think or be energised. I don’t know.

I think I might be stuck in a little bit of a rut.

I don’t want to be on my own, but there’s effort into speaking to people. I’m a little confused. Restless. Without purpose, not wanting a purpose. Tired. So tired, and that’s actually because I was getting up with the dogs at like 6AM every morning so that Socks didn’t pee in the house. I think what I need most is a holiday. So I can get out of this rut, this life block that plagues me. I just feel very detached from it all and I’m not sure why. There is no motivation left in me for anything, and that’s probably why it’s taken me so long to actually getting around to writing all of this down. Even now it’s more effort than I’m willing to put in.

Part of it also is that I’ve stopped being plagued by thoughts, so I don’t really know what to say. I’m not having any inner monologues, and this isn’t the type of blog where I would just be like “Hey guys, today I did ______, here’s a picture of ______, doesn’t it look so fun?”

Life is fun. Life is good. It’s just… fairly uneventful. I think I need a hobby.