Dearest NJ

It was exactly a year ago today that you died. 

I mean, you know this, it happened to you. 

But I hope that when you went, it was peacefully, and that where-ever you are now, you are happy and relaxed, in full, boundless health. 

You probably with a glass of white wine in your hand. You're probably admiring your new garden, the one you've worked on and watered, the one that with your hands you have helped flourish. You might be watching the birds, or reading- maybe in French. Did you decide to keep that up, once you moved on? Do they need so many languages, where-ever you are? 

I know that Radio 4 is probably on in the background. Are you with Stan, and Emma? Anyone else that you love who went on-wards before you? I hope so. I hope that you are all together, and you are enjoying the sunshine, wearing a marvelously big straw hat. Do you all play bridge together, and swear, but then try and hide it from the children? With your laugh ringing out, a delighted cry that still echos in my ears and in my soul whenever I think about you.

There was probably a BBQ, wasn't there? With chicken skewers like the ones I made for you and you said were really tasty, that Saturday afternoon last year that was the final day of bliss. I hope that you've been baking again- your Victoria sponges were always my favourite- or maybe you've been down to the strawberry fields to pick the berries right out of the bush to have with cream.

I don't know.  I don't know how things are, where-ever you are, but my heart vibrates with the knowledge that it's a good place. Because that's what you deserve. Only the best. Whether that's Moet champagne that needs to be drunk with ice, in crystal glasses, or the top spot in the afterlife. It's all the same. It should all be for you. 

Things are a bit... trickier down here. I don't want to say "what have you missed" because you probably haven't missed anything- you've probably been watching, looking out for us, occasionally exasperated by our choices and wanting to jab us with that pointy NJ-finger. I wouldn't mind a jab now. Though I'd much prefer a NJ hug; to stoop a little to cuddle you and breathe in your classic NJ scent. I'd know it anywhere.

So yes, what's been going on since you've been away? I handed in my final project for the MA, yesterday! That was a big one. Still waiting for it to be marked, I'll let you know how that goes. 

Further back... We sold your house. It had to be done, I'm afraid, but I know you don't mind. I've still got a bunch of your clothes and books, your salad spinner and some of those crystal glasses! I've got that silver ring of yours, I play with it as relentlessly on my own finger as I always wanted to do when it was on yours. Ellie has your gold one (it didn't fit my podgy pinkie). 

Ry and I are buying our own flat. All that should be sorted in the next few months, and that will be because of you. The rest of 2019, after you left, was... uneventful? I lost some weight. I put it back on. I'm making an effort to lose it again. Summer passed in a haze of work and visiting friends. I spent Christmas with Ry's family; Dad was in Asia. I don't think he will want to do that again. I think this year we will all need to be together. I'm glad that we got to have your last Christmas on this mortal plane with us; it was such fun. 

We thought 2020 was going to be "the year", the good one - but Ry then lost his job. He found another so no issues there. But then the pandemic came, and now we haven't left the house apart from local shops and parks since mid March. It's a bit weird, and a bit boring, but I've done some painting. I've self-tanned for the first time (what do you think of that?). 

I've bought some new clothes, which I hope would satisfy you, and stop you thinking I look too old for my age! I know you were concerned, back when we were in Cannes for the 21st, but I hadn't found myself then. I can't say exactly that I've found myself now, but I'm working on it. My hair's been getting long. The world is still turning, and the plants are still growing, but the humans are tucked inside their homes, for the most part. Work is still on, but in dangerous waters. School went completely online. 

Things are now beginning to go back, somewhat, to the way they were, but I hope that at least some things change. I hope that we are better moving forwards; I know I will try to be. And, honestly, I'm glad that you moved on before this all kicked off. It would have been way too hard to watch you go from afar, just a phone call or the like, not being able to hop on a train and come down for that final, amazing weekend. Well, half-amazing. The other half, not so much, but I'm glad I could be there to help you.

I am so happy I was able to be there for you, with you, when you needed me. I remember our last conversation, that real- we probably both knew how real, too- goodbye that we were able to have. I will never forget the way you took my hand, and gave my cheek a kiss, and told me that you loved me. I hope, where-ever you are, that you remember that I replied in kind, that I loved you too, and said I'd see you soon. I meant it, too. Maybe not soon by mortal standards, but I'm assuming where-ever you are that our concept of time is irrelevant. 

So, for me, it might be a long time before I see you again, but I'm sure that for you it will seem soon. Because we will see each other again; somewhere down the line, when it is my time, I will join you where you are- and what a reunion it will be. Until then, I know you'll be with me, in all the things I do. Doesn't stop me missing you, of course. I miss you a lot, and our times in Milverton. I miss the past, as I'm sure you know (now that you probably have the ability to see in my head), but I miss you more than that. I miss you all the time. But I can live with that, because missing you means that you're still in my head, the memories flashing past all the time, and in there you are alive, and so bright. 

Where-ever you are, I'm sure you're even brighter. 

Seven Weeks and Counting

Not much has changed in the last seven weeks of 'lockdown'. I have gone from having plans almost every weekend - including two weddings - to spending each and every weekend in my house and in the garden. The furthest I have travelled is the local park and local small shops; that was, until the other day, when I ventured as far as the local town to go to the pharmacy.

It's a weird time to be alive. The government's latest advice is that we are now allowed to go out to exercise as many times as we like (instead of for an hour), but we have to stay in our household groups. Apparently, though, we're also allowed to meet "one person from outside the household in an outdoor area" as long as you stay 2-metres apart; and we're allowed to "drive as far as we want" to go to outdoor areas... Stupid, it seems to me, when 500+ people are still dying every day from the virus. 

So we've taken decisive action... which is to ignore government advice about going outside and continue in our own form of lockdown, following the same rules that lockdown had - out only for the shops or to exercise once a day, and otherwise stay in the house. I mean, makes sense, when Wales, Scotland and NI are continuing their lockdowns and clearly stating that no English people should cross the borders to enjoy the other countries' natural areas of beauty. 

Anyway! On to brighter and better things. The countdown is on for my MA final deadline, I've got... exactly two weeks until it is due. Strangely, I'm feeling confident about it - I don't think I've ever had this much of my shit together for a Uni deadline so early. There's still another edit to do on my play, and still a proposal and five-year-plan to write, but I feel like those will be simple enough to do when I've got two weekends stuck at home before the deadline, as well as a bank holiday with nowhere to go...

I'm doing yoga much more often, and trying to get into meditation. I've been painting with acrylics, and actually enjoying my own creations. I've been sleeping better; eating probably more healthily, running further than ever before - and not getting tired so quickly; and exercising more consistently than ever before. Strangely, this "pause" in time (brought on by such a terrible thing) has been relatively successful for all the different parts of my life I was ignoring before. 

In other news, I've become good friends with a group of ladies through YUW, on Discord. We have book club, we've done a pub quiz, and we're starting up a D&D campaign where I will be acting as DM (my first time as the storyteller!) I feel like, for the first time, I have actually found my 'tribe'. My gang, that I snug into like a puzzle piece so easily fitting. 

It's not like I've been searching for this previously, I have always had plenty of friends, but I've always kinda felt like I've had to give certain parts of myself to certain people: butterflying around, being different people and sharing different sides of myself but not the whole (apart from, of course, the Original friend, Mads, who knows me as closely and as deeply as the brother or sister do, seeing as I've known her since I was five and she's basically a blood sister). 

Instead, now, this Accidental Coven (as we call ourselves) have bonded more closely than I thought nine people over the internet ever could. I was crying with laughter when we did the pub quiz. We can tease each other as well as I can tease friends I've known for years. We have shared a lot with each other, been incredibly open, I think; and we've also helped each other learn new things. Once we're all unlocked from our houses and seeing each other in person, I think it's only going to get better.

All in all, this seven weeks in isolation may have been more of a blessing than a curse.