Tea By The Sea

It’s Good Friday, and it’s freakin’ hot in this dining room. Then again I am sitting in a fluffy dressing gown next to a radiator that’s burning even though I’ve already (hopefully) turned it off.

No writing’s been done, but it’s always difficult to get back into – and I don’t particularly want to write Recto Verso at the moment. I should probably sort myself out; the green book that has been left at home has all the notes for RV in it and I’m kinda lost without it.

In other news, I feel gross. Gross and stuffy and warm and fat.  Urgh. I wish it would change. Hager mentioned the other day that when I had the Halloween-Break Down I yelled: “I’m hideous!” It’s amusing to think of myself sobbing that, and I can tell exactly what would have been going through my head at that point. Hehehe, so self centred, self pitying, insecure.

Why do I laugh at that? It’s not funny.

Can’t help it; just in my nature not to accept emotions.

It’s just so frustrating, I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. Not that I try very hard to change my ways, and every time I go back to school I say “this time it’ll be different.” This time, I’ll try. Determination. Self-control. Willingness. None of that shit’s ever worked.What is wrong with me? Here comes the roller-coaster again, up and down, round and round, in and out. Just let me get off. I want to get off, and be happy with my body, my life, my mind, my situation. 

Is it so difficult for that to happen?

But I know the answer to my own question. It’s not. It’s not that hard, I’m just not trying.

try. try. try a little harder you fucking twat, waste of space.

It’s no wonder no one wants you. 

Characters.

Tonight isn’t a night about thought-provoking revelations or questioning my own nature. It’s healthy to not always think about those things, I think, and being at home for the 5-day Easter break really helps too. I’m so tired of thinking, the stress that comes with it and just generally being around people I have to make an effort with. But that’s a story for another day.

Right now what I was is images – inspiration for me to actually start writing properly again, because according to the List I should finish Recto Verso before going to Uni this October. Also I’ve promised Tuna that the RP would be finished by then too. So it’s probably a good idea to get them done and to have a couple of things on here to glance at and get inspiration from.

Here are 12 of the main characters for the RP – I love them all, some more than others, including Leona. I don’t know where I’d be without them, they have literally been one of the biggest parts of my childhood and the thought of letting them go scares me half to death.

Lukey, Lukey, Lukey. What has he done now? I can imagine where in Recto Verso this would fit.

Yay! They’re happy; Luke & Abby, in one of their better moments. Doesn’t happen so often, but pictures like these and thoughts that go with them give me hope.

Heartbreak(ers) & Empire

Thursday night after doing a full day of Theatre stuff. Still on a weird emotional roller coaster that I think has a lot to do with my current position, thoughts about the future, and general restlessness that comes with probably not doing enough exercise. I have begun to be able to notice the change within myself when it happens – frightening, but good to know. It’s just frustrating to have to go through the downward side when I know there is no reason. To prove something to myself, I have decided to create a list. Of all the males in my life that have been romantically inclined to me, or that I have been romantically inclined too. This is a FULL list, even dating back to when I was about 6 and didn’t know what ‘liking’ someone really meant.

And it’s to prove that thoughts being held currently (well, not now, but the ones I have about three times a day during a downward spiral) mean nothing. That I will laugh about them in the future, and that right now there are bigger and better things to be getting on with. Let’s begin:

• Brodie – age: 5? ‘Liked’ me, was annoyed/enjoyed the attention. He left the country.
• T. Alt – ages 7-12? Best mates in grade 1-3, then again in about grade 5-6, went on dates in the later years, never really fancied him that way but he ‘liked’ me and I was willing to go with it. Left the country. Is now fit as fuck and I miss his friendship but assume he’s changed.
• Braces – ages 12-15. This time it was actually three years. Liked each other, end of grade 5, ended in disaster. Came back in grade 6 still (assuming I was) head over heels in love with the guy. Hated me. Worst year of my life, in fact. Grades 6-7, he caused so much grief and pain. Totally not worth the effort and the ‘agony’ I thought I was feeling.
• Shark-bite – age 12? 13? Fancied him, he was 14. Didn’t last long, went on one date. Got freaked out when he said he wanted to hook up with me so ended it. Ha…
• Emo – God, when even was this? age 15? What an absolute waste of time and effort, never had feelings reciprocated and I absolutely wanted his love so bad… Just feel stupid thinking about it, pining over someone who was just a bit of a twat.
• Arrowsmith – I completely forgot about him, oops. How could I do that? Grade 8, age 15? Went out for two months, began to get into it, went on Christmas holidays and completely lost all feelings. It could have been wonderful, but he ‘liked’ me more. I need(ed) balance, and it wasn’t there. Sorry. I truly am, I never meant to hurt.
• Finchy – age 16. I miss him. I miss him so much, he was wonderful. It never finished, because I had to move to the fucking UK and now he’s gone, and I’ll never see him again. I don’t even know where he is anymore – moved back to the UK too but doesn’t have freaking facebook. I doubt he even remembers me, but I hope to God we meet again. Such a great guy, good friend, oh I miss him.
• Birmingham – age 16, UK. Never really wanted it, hooked up at a party because my friend was ‘with’ his best friend. Didn’t think I’d see him again, but ended up meeting… twice more? Wanted me to go out with him. Turned him down. No remorse.
• Summer ’12 – MY WORD, what utter nonsense. To think that I spent all those hours thinking and lamenting over a guy such as him… it makes me shudder to think about. I wanted to lose it to him. I was so ready to. I was so happy when he was with me, it was all such a mess. I almost cried when it got difficult. Why did I feel so strongly about it? Makes no sense whatsoever. Now that I think about it, should have left it as a casual summer romance. Shouldn’t have thought I actually loved him. Grief not worth it at all.
• Brit-German – 17. AC. First year. Fair enough, fancied him for a fair while. Turns out he’s just a bit of a prick when it comes to girls, and only chases the ones who don’t want him. Never reciprocated my feelings, at least I don’t think he did. I felt too much, perhaps, when it comes down to it. There was so much tension there, so much aching and paining and wanting and admiration. Seems I didn’t have my head on right, but rose-goggles do that I guess.
• Seagulls – 17. AC. First year. Brilliant, brilliant guy. Managed to dip my toe in the ‘love’ pool with this one, I guess. It was a fairly deep almost-three-month relationship. Again, Christmas ruined it, with the added spice of still being close with Brit-German, who I assumed something would happen with if I wasn’t with Seagulls. I know I broke his heart, and I don’t know why I did it. I guess not feeling it anymore was a good enough reason to end it.
• The Boy – 17-18. AC. Second year. What. Am. I. Doing? It’s pretty clear how pining after someone ends up – laughable, absolutely amusing and nothing much else. He’s not one of the ones I will look back at and think “wonderful”; he’s one of the ones that I will look back and think “what an manslut”. Love him to pieces as a friend, but do not approve of his romantic AC life story. Been with the New Girl quite a long time though, so if it makes it to the end of the year I’ll have to take that back.
There it is then. Everything up to the present. Looking back has really helped, I think, to understand where I need to go from here. It’s possible to be happy, very much so. I just don’t need this type of happiness – the romantic, two-into-one-entity happiness – just yet. Otherwise the list might get too long.
*


• In other news, the new Star Trek: Into Darkness trailer makes the film look EPIC and I can’t wait to see it (out in the UK on May 10th). Also, Thor 2 is coming out (October 30th?) and there’s some guy doing a cameo in it – I read on Empire – but that’s not really the point here. The point here is that fans of Tom Hiddleston have become known as ‘Hiddlestoners’… what the actual fuck? I mean don’t get me wrong, I’ve never fan-girled over someone as much as I do for Tom Hiddleston but come on, people, please! What is the world coming to when we must give a name for everything? It puts his fans on the same level as “Beliebers” and “Twihards” – and I for one am not pleased to be labelled among such cretin.

15 Minutes

Left, ticking on the clock,
just like through the looking glass
where Alice used to wait -for something to happen,
learn something new and shiny and bright
without the pressures from the Queen.
Hearts beating, rhythm constant,beat, beat, beat… tick, tick, tick;
and yet hands fly across the page.The silence; weighted, axes
above their necks, listening
for orders to come from above
and bring them slicing down.
They thought treason had caused their fate
but they just ran out of time.
Pens dropping with clatters and the sighs,
an orchestra of voices, spiralling
through air and thoughts, fears and hopes.They don’t know which bottle to drink,
if the cake can be trusted -
desperation makes it easy to click the ruby heels
and pray that home is close by.
Labels wrap themselves around
the pinky finger of each lost soul;they tried – they really, really tried,
in investigations, complex mazes,
to answer everything you asked.
But it’s finished now,
the war is done. Come out from under cover.
Alice is back in the real world,this IB exam is over. 

"I Want To Tie You Off"

Pretty interesting title to this here post, but in fairness it’s a quote that I took from Hager. It also, when not in a dodgy context, is exactly what I’m trying to do – with the Boy, who else? It’s funny, he’s sitting only about a metre away from me as I write this in the G-house quiet room, on a computer that’s about to run out of battery.

As explained (or more like mentioned) yesterday, things are good. Looking up from whatever rut I was stuck in, mixed emotions and odd feelings as thoughts went around and around in my head. Things that I just couldn’t get over and stop being frustrated with because they hadn’t been closed, I hadn’t been able to tie off the fraying ends of the ribbons that make up some of the aspects of my life. What I’ve come to the conclusion about is the fact that I’m fed up with feeling confused – I have only so much time left here at AC and I don’t want to waste that thinking about stuff that doesn’t really matter. I want to have everything in its place – friends, work, play, summer, jobs, IB, activities, body issues, etc, etc. Everything, ALL OF IT. I want to be in control of my life and once upon a time earlier this year I got there and it all blew to pieces when I started having the Feels for the Boy.

That shit’s going to end now; here, today. Part of it will end when I talk to him about things, because after conversing with Hager I’ve decided to do that. Bit of a nerve wracking thing to do, that’s for sure, but I think he’s right when he says that there’s just a lack of communication. Potentially I’m just going to make things worse – and I’ll be devastated if I lose the Boy’s friendship because I really do consider him one of my best guy friends at this school – but fingers crossed, it won’t. Then he’ll stop being hot & cold with me, we can talk openly, tease each other and I’ll actually be able to openly love him the way I do  (the same way I love Hager, Mari – or any of my other friends) without him getting the wrong impression.

Yes, maybe occasionally when I see him with his other girl there is some kind of twinge, but partly that could be due to wounded pride if I think he ‘chose’ her. I mean I value myself not necessarily highly but as worth something so it’s not nice to be rejected like that. Also, he is one of my close friends and so I do care what he thinks of me – and if he and his new female (which is not the same as the one I ranted about in earlier posts, just as a side note) snicker together in the back of the room just as I get up to say poetry in front of an audience, of course I’m going to feel a little stab of insecurity. Honestly, who wouldn’t? I’m not that numb. The complexes do get to me even though I try to stop them.

So yeah, that’s one aspect of life that I’m about to get sorted – for better or for worse. Hopefully for the better, because I was looking forward to having the Boy as my Game of Thrones-watching buddy. He hasn’t read the books so seeing his reactions to certain things will, I’m sure, be highly entertaining.

In other news, I still have a lot of updating to do about what happened during the Awesome Foursome weekend, Project Week, Paris, and since I’ve been back. However, all of it seems a little out dated right now so I’ll have to figure out a way of explaining everything that happened without whinging (if I’m going to be able to sort things straight the way I want to). In other news, tonight was Pooch’s Poetry Slam and I read out two of my poems. Fairly good reception of them, I thought, but I didn’t realise that a Poetry Slam actually consists of Spoken Word Poetry which is more about writing and saying a story in a rhythm with thoughts mixed in with it – not as abstract as what I usually write. It was good though, and I think I’m going to try and write a ‘story’ for if Pooch does another one.

Also, signed up and am training for the 10K. I’ll let you know how it goes (it’s this Sunday). I also have a check list which I am slowly managing to get through and it is my mission to have everything crossed off it before the end of this week – or if not all of it, the majority of it, because some things will have to wait until I get back from my Easter Holiday.

Well. That was definitely a long one. 

Wish me luck with all the endeavours of the next few days.
Bitches be getting their life back together. 

Feeling Good.

Watched a fairly amusing video.
Was fairly amused.
Hager is being entertaining, and I’m trying to be upbeat about things.
It’s working, more or less – sometimes I will have those odd moments of thought, fluttering by, and I’ll wonder why or who and whether I’m good enough. But they’re usually fleeting and I have to, at this point, just realise that it’s all in my head. It’s not real.
Everything’s okay.  

Once Again.

I have to forget. I have to let go. Unclasp these broken chains because there is no way they are reconnecting, no way to melt them back together with the same synchronisation that they once had. It’s useless, feeling this – having emotions generally, sometimes, it would seem. To know that what you wish is beyond you, and the pain -oh for fucks sake- but I can’t deny its presence.
Sometimes it’s easier. Sometimes I can pretend that it doesn’t exist, that it’s just memories and that’s the way it’s going to stay. But then there is a shift in the atmosphere, a change in the wind and a reflection in the window and the glass -my perfect image- shatters. These thoughts, this knowledge. I’m still holding onto those pieces, still feeling the ripples of the stone cast into the water and I’ve lied. Oh, how I’ve lied to everyone. Even myself. Especially myself -it’s not true, you’re fine- as I force the dirty hands open.
I crave the opportunity to be able to drop it. I don’t want to feel this way. It’s a fight between me, myself and I.
But there are times when I think it’s all going to be okay. I just wish I could move forwards, a train picking up speed. Who wants to be held back by themselves? -Why does this always happen?- I am not what I pretend to be. I know that you don’t want this anymore. I know that I’m not who you think about, who you wish to see. It’s not difficult to understand.
Truly though? God, that’s why it’s hard. It’s in the eyes, it’s in the smile. You make me want you and I hate you for that.

I want to know what’s in your head. Just that. Just some closure. Then I’ll be fine…right?

Instrumental Music

I don’t really know where this post is going from here. I have so many things to cover and so many thoughts that I’ve been having recently – it’s almost too much to express, too much to put down in one piece of writing because I feel like I’m going to be jumping here, there and everywhere. So where should I begin? With an update of the past, and what’s been going on? With what I’m thinking or feeling right now?

Starting with the latter, then: I am very much into instrumental music. I love it, and usually it’s not just instrumental but from movie soundtracks and the like which make them even better. They remind me of places and things that I’ve watched and want to be a part of. I’ve never met a bigger escapist than myself, truth be told. Also, today I watched the final EVER episode of Being Human, which was a tragedy but a lovely way to end the show. I wish that I’d got to know Hal, Tom and Alex better as characters – the guy who plays Hal, Damien Molony, is fantastic. I can definitely see him going places. So it’s rather upsetting to know that it’s not coming back next year to make me question humanity and all its values, whilst still being charming and laugh-out-loud amusing.

Then again, as they say: “All good things must come to an end“.

It’s almost 4 in the afternoon and I really should be doing some French revision for tomorrow’s oral instead of writing on here. Stress is beginning to freak me out just a little, as I realise that I have a LOT of revision to do. The problem is I’m just not motivated to do any of it. To do anything. I guess this pensive-mood has been on the rise for a little while, I haven’t felt it for a long time. The difference I was hoping to find this time, however, was that I could bat it into submission. That I could control it and do what needs to be done.

Have I found that?

No. Yes. Maybe. Of course you have. Get a grip, for lord’s sake. This is your life and you know what needs to be done. You can’t sit here whining and complaining when really, truly, you know how you could make it that much better.
But what’s the point? Why go through all of this – it’s clear that my life is never going to be as exciting, dangerous, unpredictable and magnificent as those of people in stories, on TV or potentially even in films.
Wouldn’t that be because they’re not real? That’s not reality; and therefore I despise the reality around me, truth be told. It’s just an uphill struggle and they say that it gets better but I’m 18 years old and so far life’s done squat but challenge me. Is that why we live? To be challenged and know that even though we want something, whether that be a person or a place or a time that we cannot grasp because we are stuck here in the moment. The monotonous lifecycle of the modern man.

And I just wish that I could be…

so much more than human.

Leave the Soul Alone.

this is the new favourite song of my time: Bones by MS MR.

Why? Many reasons:

1. It’s a very good song – good beat, good lyrics, catchy
2. I like the rest of MS MR’s music
3. It’s the backing track to the new Game of Thrones trailer

Game of Thrones, the HBO adaptation of George R R Martin’s wonderful series A Song of Ice and Fire, which I am going to be able to enjoy watching again from the 31st of March.

There was a lot I wanted to say here, but I’ve found myself suddenly exhausted. There is a lot to explain about what’s been happening for the last week or so but I shall do it tomorrow. For sure. Definitely maybe.

"It Tastes Slightly Like Fish - It's Creeping Me Out!"

Well hello there.

It’s the first of March (pinch, punch for the first of the month) and I am sitting in a hostel in Paris eating crisps. Why eating crisps? To try and get the taste of a weird cookie out of my mouth that does indeed taste a little bit like fish. Weird, I know.

It’s the second day of Project Week; project was the Paris trip and we arrived fairly late last night. I was still hungover from Cardiff the night before so didn’t want to do anything and went to bed at midnight; Lopez & Swansea on the other hand did not get to bed until 6AM French time. I don’t know where anyone else is at the moment – considering that I don’t have any really close friends on this trip either kinda means I’m just wandering about with the rest of them. It’s nice though, I get my thoughts to myself and the ability to just have a quiet couple of hours. On the other hand part of me sits here thinking: “You’re in freaking Paris, go out and do something!” but I don’t know what to do.

If only it was possible to go back in time at Midnight, like in Midnight In Paris. That was a very good film. I think things are going to be better tomorrow though, because today was really grey and cold. We did go see the Eiffel Tower and Arc de Triumph, and then I saw the Mona Lisa in the Louvre, but by the time that we got to the Louvre everyone was so knackered that it kinda took away the speciality of being in such a wonderful city. I think it was the weather – and also because for a long time I was worried about my Polaroid camera.

Going for a shower, will explain everything in due course. There is much to be revealed.