Boxing Day '12

Things are pretty sweet, it has to be said. I’m still not feeling the need and endless pain that I had last year, just wanting to get back to AC. Part of me wants to go back, I miss everyone, but another part of me is plain refusing to think about the fact that I have to go back to that place. I guess it’s a bit of a love-hate relationship, which is understandable considering the type of things that go on there and the amount of work I have that is due when I get back (but still hasn’t been done).

We have all Dad’s family here – including him – Al and Nanny J are currently playing a game of Ludo whilst Smiley looks on, and Flash is sleeping beside me. It’s happy, and chilled, and I had a really nice Christmas day yesterday. It started out fairly mediocre and I was wondering what we would do, but Christmas lunch was great and we had a massive family quiz afterwards. I want to be able to have family traditions at Christmas time, but like Mum said: “Because we were living in Sing and always came back for Christmas, we were always at someone else’s house”. Which is unfortunate but true.

In other news, I got some nice presents including a book on How To Get Published, which is just proving how difficult it is to get out there and get your book(s) published so I really need to start trying. Trying to write, that is, and shout my name out to the world about my writing. Which is why I think one of my New Years resolutions will be to start doing writing competitions, build the portfolio that I want, and also I’ve joined a site called the Writers Cafe where I’m going to post chapters and poems and stuff. Hopefully on there I’ll start getting feedback and people will notice me – though if the past is anything to go on, I never have much luck on the internet. Maybe my stories are too ‘out there’ for the masses. Sucks to be them.

OH! And I have had an offer from the University of York, and am doing a Drama Workshop & Interview at Exeter in late January, I do believe. This is going to be exciting, but I’m a little bit trepidatious. Life is running at me full pelt, and I can’t stop it. I don’t want to.

A Little Stir

With a tea spoon, correctly given name,
the warmth of milky brew,
and the comfort of knowing,
you are not alone out here.
The wild winds whistling, trees a-sway,
but within the home, games
are at play, the people’s thoughts,
dancing through the musky air,
like trails of stardust.
So many lights, and sparkling things,
it’s a time where we all feel like kings,
and emotions fly and fray but still -
we’re living in comfort, a bug
snug, rooting through strands,
of the carpet he owns.
Mist, rain, they said there would be sleet,
but perhaps they lied,
it doesn’t matter either way,
the happiness is in my hands,
a mug full of safe and warm,
like home it calls,
and I am undone.

A Thought I've Had All Day:

Happiness is a warm gun, but an angel’s pulling the trigger.

Around the Clock

It’s been a couple of days, and everything that I’d planned to start doing… I haven’t even begun yet. But I am not really that bothered – yes, the TOK essay and the Maths project and the IPP need to be done before I go back to school, but it’s Christmas! I’ll probably start working tomorrow (hopefully). I will get it done, but right now I would rather be enjoying myself and relaxing. Plus, tonight I’m focusing on my writing and my stories, which I haven’t done for a very long time.
I’m excited to explore my mind again; maybe by doing this I’ll be able to clear out some room for other thoughts, and will be able to remember what it is I really want to do with my life, what my goals are. They never went away, but I think somewhere along the road I took a detour, got a little lost, and now it’s time to get back to where I should be.

Truth

“If only you knew how much it pains me, every day, having to live like this.”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t you understand? Humanity is so overrated, you’re so difficult to understand, so difficult to pretend to be. I can’t do it anymore!”
“But… you can’t give up!”
“What else am I supposed to do? I’m lost, I’ve lost everything.”
“You still have me.”
“Not for much longer. You know that, we both know that.”
“How could you say such a thing? Even if I’m not here that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I’ll always be here for you, you know that.”
“What do you expect me to do? I don’t want to be here without you. I don’t want to be human… without you. My humanity is so difficult to hold on to. Sometimes I forget myself… sometimes I see what I could be, and I’m a monster… but it’s beautiful. It’s a wonderful daydream.”
“So why not just become the monster? What’s stopping you?”
“You. Being with you. That’s what’s stopping me from being exactly what I don’t want to become.”
“…”
“Well, say something.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Yes you do, you always know what to say. Please, I need you. You’re everything I want and need and have. Without you I’m nothing, just a shell of the person I was, just a beast to prey on those who once meant something to me. I’ve killed too many times, I’ve done too much… I’m so scared.”
“I know. It’s okay, I’m here.”
“But you won’t be! You’ve chosen who you are, you chose him! And you chose that life, the life that I can never have.”
“Can you blame me?”
“… No. It’s the life I would have wanted. It’s the life I want you to have… I’m just selfish, that’s all.”
“No you’re not.”
“Yes, I am. I’m saying all these things to make you stay but you really shouldn’t be. Who am I to deny you of the things you want, just because I can’t have them anymore. I just… I just wish things would have turned out differently. I wish I had met you without being this way.”
“There’s nothing wrong with the way you are.”
“There’s everything wrong with the way I am, and you know it. I’m nothing.”
“No, that’s not true. You’re everything. You’re mine, and I…”
“Yes?”
“I… I love you.”
“I love you, too. I always have.”
“Stay with me?”
“For eternity. “

Revolution.

This time, I think it’s of the heart. I need a heart revolution, I need to boycott love and start a resistance against it so that my mind and these Feels I have are in harmony. Maybe then the gentle twang of Oh god why will cease to exist. Which is why I bring this song to your attention:

Radioactive – Imagine Dragons

Great song, by a great band that Cooper showed me quite a long time ago. I think they’re on the way to becoming my possible new favourites.

Moving on; what was I going to say? I figure I should do a bit of updating seeing as I haven’t written a post in about 10 days. First off then:

I am EIGHTEEN, bitches. EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. LEGAL.

Yet all the things I thought I would have done by this point in my life I still have not achieved – I dunno, the idea of being 18 seems more appealing than actually being this age. There isn’t really much change and so far I haven’t done a lot with my new-found freedom. My birthday was fairly quiet, and although I did have a legendary time at the Harry Potter film museum thing down in London, I haven’t been out like you would expect a newborn 18 year old to do. I guess it’s because it’s the holidays and the only people I would really celebrate with are those at AC. So we’ll see. January, perhaps.

Speaking of January – I’ve decided (right this very second) that 2013 is going to be my year. It seems like a little bit of an awkward year – and according to the Mayans, we’re not even going to reach it – but perhaps that’s what I need. Something that I wouldn’t expect to go right, a year that seems a little wonky, just to straighten everything out. I found the word: Serendipity. It’s what I need and I’m never going to find it by looking for it, which I realised this term, so I’m just going to stop. Let go of the strings, stop trying to control everything, and just let things happen the way they’re going to. I’ve got too much to do to worry about where life is going to take me.

I’m eighteen, I’ve got six months left at the most fabulous place on earth, surrounded by wonderful friends that I’ll never forget. Why would I want to ruin that by being hung up on anyone, or fretting about something that doesn’t even matter. Its time to do things forme. This is the most transitional couple of years I’ve ever had in my entire life, and I better enjoy it before it slips through my fingers. I’m never going to get this time back and it’s time I realised that. So.

Get off the sofa. Stop sitting around in a dressing gown. Have a shower. Wake up at a reasonable hour. Health, happiness, friends, family, laughter. Lack of hair. It’s all I need.

But before I jump to my feet and become productive (for I have a lot of things to do today), perhaps a life update.
I only need some key words in order to remember everything – Sober Friday, trying to do Sosh (failed), Topless Gwosh on Saturday. Christmas Party, date was Raina, got a little bit trashed but it was an insane evening and very much enjoyed it. Topless Gwosh Round 2, and then a chilled Sunday. Monday = Drunken StuC0 (funniest thing in my life). Tuesday = Gay bonding, looking after the drunken peoples and then staying up till 1:30am with the boys. That was a lot of fun. ‘Oh, Canada’ would not stop talking and that was why it was so amusing. But also, it’s nice to be… accepted? Is that the word I’m looking for? I don’t know. I prefer hanging out with guys, they’re so much more interesting and there isn’t any bitching. Although guys do bitch, but hell it’s funny. I just find it curious because they talk about girls a lot, and I wonder if they ever talk about me. If so, what do they say? Or maybe they just don’t talk about me because they don’t see me as anything. Either way, it’s time not to care. Wednesday = Birthday ‘celebrations’. Not much done, except was Duty Dorm – that didn’t work. And then got a tad emotional which probably wasn’t the best idea but it wasn’t like I could help it. And Hager (aka the Hagermiester) showered me. That was random, but appreciated. Thursday = Birthday’s eve, chilled and watched the Grinch.
And then. Home on Friday the 14th of December, also known as my birthday.

Otherwise, there isn’t much to tell. I keep writing poetry, I don’t know why. But this Christmas I really do want to continue Recto Verso, I feel like I’ve left Luke and Abby behind and their story needs to be told. Got a lot of notebooks (wooooo0) so life is going to be organised. Life is good, life is nice. The sun is shining, I’m at home, and there isn’t anything I need to worry about. Time to let go of the Feels, time to let go of the heartache and the worrying. Stop looking, stop thinking. Concentrate on what is really important.

I raise my flags, don my clothes. It’s a revolution, I suppose.

Down to Business

Yes, let’s get down to it. Except my mind is so all over the place at the moment that I think it’s time for a BULLET POINT list in order to gather my thoughts:

This Christmas Holiday – Things I must (and want) to do:

• Get the Boy out of my mind
• TOK essay
• Data for Maths Project
• Run/Work out (every day if possible)
• Finish the IPP
• Write my Theatre Journal (for the whole of third term)
• Buy Christmas presents – yeah, still haven’t done that
• See Watto, Liv & Squared. Perhaps the Regulars.
• Write, god damn it, write
• English Writing Task 1
• Make French flash cards
• Read French Matilda
• Get a job. Get payed. Have MONEYS.
• Be happy.

Fluidity

It’s not what my mind is; a jagged, rough piece of metal stabbing at my brain. Really quite violent imagery isn’t it? But that’s what I’m feeling at the moment, it’s weird. There’s been questions going around and around my head and I can’t get rid of them. The main one being why? In everything it’s up to humans to question but I wish I didn’t have to do so, it makes my heart ache. I can’t stop the pain – it’s mild now, much less than it was before, but my word I hate being a female.
We have all these feelings and they’re shit. I wish I didn’t feel, had the ability to be a free and open person without attachment; attachment is unnecessary, no one wants it. Especially, apparently, the male gender. Which is completely and utterly irresponsible of them because they take our hearts in their hands and crush them into dust when they’re bored. Well. Fuck you for being bored.
But that’s unfair of me to say because I’ve been exactly in that position, and no, you don’t want to hurt the other person but it just happens – it’s not your fault. But I never understood the way they felt, because I’d never been in that position. It’s breaking, shattering, and I hate it. Why do I believe something that is never going to happen, and why hasn’t anyone turned around by now and admitted to me that it’s not? They don’t want to hurt me? Too late for that, mate. Why.
I feel so destructive, a fuse about to blow and I’m taking everyone else with me if I’m going down. Anger; it’s like this fire in my viens and I swear that I will snarl at you, I will be fierce and snap at your throat if you get too close, hackles raised, fists curled, I want to punch something. I wish I was stronger.
But it’s not fair, it’s not their fault, they just have to take all the crap I throw and it’s not on them. It’s not got anything to do with them, but I can’t be vicious to any one who deserves it.
“But we can still be friends.” “Promise?” “Pinky.” “Okay, can you do me a favour then?” “Anything.” “Shove that pinky promise up your ass, you broke my heart, you asshole.”
And then there’s GLIPS. What the hell does that even mean? Who came up with that? Who wants that? Why have we subjectively removed ourselves from the whole world and everyone in it by creating a shallow, high school clique in which we never have deep intense discussions, but just talk about boys and gossip and I have to sit there every day while they blabber on and no body cares. No body asks me how I’m doing and even if they did what would I say? Because it’s over now, there’s nothing wrong and it’s not like I deserve the sympathy, I should just get over it.
Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine. It’s always just fine.

Lazy Sunday

I wanted to have one with you;

to stay warm and snug in

a bed only big enough for one,

and the little one said roll over,

but you wouldn’t let me fall out.

We would eat breakfast,

drink tea and watch movies,

never retracting ourselves,

hidden away in the corner,

whilst the world circled slowly round us,

and it wouldn’t matter.

The time would tick on,

and before we knew it,

our day would come to an end.

But we would accept this with

the easy knowledge that our lives

were intwined,

and what was once done cannot be lost -

oh, just one day,

pure lethargic bliss,

but I cannot stay in bed.

Rewind

S'Alright

Haven’t written for a long time; two weeks. I wish I did write more, because I think it would really help my thoughts get processed, but it’s fairly difficult what with everything going on. I’ve got an English Oral tomorrow morning, 10AM – and haven’t really revised as much as I would have liked to by this point. It should go pretty well though, I am confident about how much I know on Othello and Sylvia Plath’s poems (which are the two choices for the oral).

I’m a little bit ill, in other news; have had a nasty cough since last weekend. Which was AMAZING. Seriously, these past two weekends have been bloody fantastic. The Second Years came down for the 24th-25th which was great. I went to the cottage with them, smoked up a bit, stayed fairly drunk for the night, and had a 3 hour nap from 4-7AM which was my only sleep. But my word, what a fabulous weekend. And then the whole week leading up to the beginning of December was also pretty chilled – I’ve started talking to the Boy again. Not that I ever stopped, but it’s not so awkward and disjointed (which for a little while it was). We’re still a little bit distant but I think that will relax with time.

Although I didn’t really help things this weekend just passed – which was also AWESOME. Friday night was a bit of a let down because I was supposed to be DJing at SOSH but it got cancelled, due to unforeseen circumstances which meant that the amp was busted. But Saturday night… oh, Saturday night… what a fabulous time. Went from a dorm party which included drunken twister and Battleshots, to the pub, back to Glo-SOSH and then on to GWOSH which lasted until about 2:30AM and included a topless segment. But yes, going back to what I was saying earlier; didn’t really help the friendship-bridge between me and the Boy. Was quite drunk.

Lots of dancing. So much dancing. And nothing happened between us. but it was fairly close. I don’t know. I’m quite looking forward to Christmas break just so I can get over everything and go and get a job, work, work, work, concentrate on writing perhaps and also do my… Maths Project? Lord. What has my life come to. If I’d done A-levels this wouldn’t be a problem.

Pear Shaped

And so here we are, it’s Tuesday. The Boy broke it off with me on Saturday night, which was utterly devastating and secretly relieving in a weird way. Did I feel like it was coming? Possibly so, possibly, I should have seen it. He’d been wrapped up in his own stuff all week and when he told me that he couldn’t do ‘this’ anymore because he had to be by himself for a while, it was completely understandable. God damn infuriating, but completely logical and I don’t blame him or anything. I get it, I get where he’s coming from and I know he needs his space, and so we have gone our separate ways.

But I did drink an 8-unit bottle of wine and then about 3/4ths of another  by myself in about an hour, proceeded to get so drunk I couldn’t see and have gaps in my memory, cry a lot, kiss someone, dance with many people, and then pass out in my bed before midnight. It was a pretty quiet evening, considering I’d just been broken up with by a guy I really like. I could have hooked up with several people, of that i am sure (and not being arrogant – they were all piss drunk as well) but I didn’t. I think I floated away from most of them, but was seriously insulted by the Boy’s best friend, whom I danced with and then specifically remember that he bit me on the neck. Who would do that to their best friend? I still don’t know about that Guatemalan.

Been mood-swingy for a while, but I’m getting the hang of it. Trying to stay positive, you know, all that crap. Got too much stuff to be worrying about without this ‘break-up’ business. Plus, me and the Boy are going to remain friends. I mean it’s going to be hard for a while, but with time I’m hoping that we’ll become good mates again. I talked to him and Hager for an hour last night, which was nice. We get on too easily to be awkward with each other; yes, it’s not going to be the same, but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe this way we’ll have a real, proper friendship… and I won’t think about it turning into anything else, even though emotionally I’m already there. Or think I’m there. I’m probably not.

Got a lot of work to do – Also my wonderful second years are going to be here tomorrow – AII EEEEEEE, I’m so EXCITED. It’s going to be great, getting away from these people, just having a break with old friends for a couple of days. I’ll come back refreshed, and things will be good again. I’ll finish all my work and become a social butterfly, the way I want to. I’ll talk to Mum, get Mads present sorted out, and then I’ll just work out what to do over Christmas because at the moment it seems like it’s going to be a fairly boring four weeks, and I don’t want that at all. But maybe just working and concentrating on family will be a good thing. Lord, though, four weeks is a long time to be away from AC. I don’t want to be away from here for such a long time when I’ve got so little time left here.

Anyways. Going to call Mother now, talk to her about buying things off the internet. Then I have my personal statement to write. So. Wish me luck.

And maybe a smidgen of happiness.

No.

Nope, I refuse.
Decided to read over my previous posts and I think that recently I have begun to sound like an utter twat. Come on, what the hell is wrong with you? Getting all gushy and confused – it’s just not right. The whole point of this year – the whole point of getting rid of all your hair, finding a new style, getting fit, being happy, releasing yourself from this rutt – it was all for you.
NOT for some one else; he cares about you, it’s obvious, but by God you’re making it strained. Stop being so all over the place and just talk to him as a friend. The same way you used to do before ‘everything changed’. NOTHING CHANGED. Or if it did, it was all in your head.
Yes, the dynamics might be different but surely it’s better to revert back to a time where it wasn’t so strange between you? Look at the way any Latino, any female friend of his acts – you’re setting yourself apart and it’s not making it any better. If you see him, see him, if you don’t – then DON’T.

This year is about you, about enjoying the last fucking 6 months you have in the most wonderful place you’ve ever lived, surrounded by friends that you never see anymore but really should. What ever happened to getting to know other first years? Or going out in the evenings with your friends? Stop revolving your life around him; it’s not important in the grand scheme of things. He will find you, it will work, but when you pressure it nothing good can come out of that – we know this, we’ve been there before. Let things happen naturally, the way they started out.

Don’t fuck this up like every other time you have done.

I Think It's Just That

• here, a week seems an awfully long time
• I’m too aware of his presence
• I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill
• I need to calm down, chill out, revert back to what was
• there is so much to do
• gold fish in the wild are brown
• I need some chocolate
• I need to find that satisfaction, that happiness I grabbed for that little while but lost again.
• I’m tired

A Month 'til My Birthday

I am a deranged mess, I swear. Right now there is something seriously wrong with me, and I am very tempted to blame everything on the Boy. I mean -come on- what I am supposed to do? Everything’s such a mess. I haven’t spoken to him properly for two days, it’s all I want to do, and then when I see him I just get all tongue tied. My mind is literally like “Go talk to him, that’s it, say words AHAH NOPE, I’M BLANK”.

The only way I can describe it is with this meme, which is me talking to myself saying: 

It’s so utterly frustrating. So here we go, making a plan to stop being a little whiny bitch. GO AND GET HIM. The Boy isn’t going to make the first move, and things are going to become more and more awkward, strange, whatever. You like him, yes? Go. And. Find. Him. Don’t just sit around waiting for him to find you. As the Bald Austrian would say: Pounce. If it goes wrong, fine, that’s the end of it – but don’t fear rejection just because you think it might happen. Show how you really feel (what a cheesy statement, but true in this case). There is no harm in that. Eventually he’ll understand, pick it up, and then it won’t be you doing all the work.

Exhausted rambling leads me to this conclusion – I’m just being a little bit of a sissy.

There is enough crap going on without having to deal with this on top of it – the IPP for example, which is still not finished.

Well; I’m actually feeling a lot better after ranting to myself. I always knew that calling myself obscure and vulgar names would help, why haven’t i done it sooner? I realise that at this point in time I won’t be able to see him, oh – but I will. I will return from climbing, find him, chat, cwtch, and be generally all happy. Then I will continue to do this in public (tomorrow, or eventually), we will get to a stage where we actually talk about Feels, and perhaps I will enter into a relationshop with this guy and we will not just be ‘relations’ but friends. And will be able to hang out with each other whenever we want, without any kind of awkwardness.

Awkwardness really is the bane of my life. Today, it will die.

Races

The time is ticking down, you see,
we race against the clock,
and all we seem to do right now
is go backwards-
I’m scared we’ll even stop.
You’ve done this to me,
it’s your fault,
but I still blame myself;
I told myself not to have a heart,
I lied, I think, I guess.
Enough with the constant questioning,
what do I know I want?
It’s simple: You,
and all your thoughts and parts.
It’s difficult, but this time,
I think it will all work,
it just depends on what you feel -
so here’s my offer:
Take it.

Daenerys Targaryen

And the world fell down,

around her feet,

til there was naught

but rocks and flames.

The harsh sulphur burned her cheeks,

the smoke was in her hair,

and all around her the ashes flew,

upon the dancing air.

Yet she walked with her feet bare,

and defiance in her eyes,

as the clouds grew bold and dark,

and terrorised the skies.

Why Do You Do What You Do To Me?

Well then. It’s been a week since I’ve been back at AC and honestly I think I was just too busy even to write a short post up here. It’s been absolutely insane, I am totally shattered and all I ever want to do is go to sleep. There is so much work I have to do (and once I finish writing this then I’ll get down to that, but I figured it was time for an update).

Guess what? Going to the salon on Thursday, with Cardiff Girl and potentially another person. Oh, and Mari is going to come too and watch me and laugh. But I think it’s totally worth it. The Boy and I are a ‘thing’, people know about us, we’re exclusive, and there is no awkwardness between me and ‘Sheila’, which I’m happy about. Although I think she’s still under the impression that this friday (the 9th) was the first time that we hooked up. Which it was and it wasn’t? I mean it was the first time we did anything ‘more’ than kiss and I stayed in his room that night, but we did just fall asleep after a while. Just because I think we’re as shattered as each other, what with not going to bed until 1AM consecutively since we’ve been back.

It’s not good, but at the same time I don’t want it any other way. Well, I do. I wouldn’t mind if we actually saw each other during the day and if there wasn’t the slight awkwardness between us, but I’m hoping that will disappear with time. I can’t help feeling maybe we should have been better friends before anything happened, but there’s not much I can do about it now. He’s still the same person, it’s not as if he’s ‘changed’ – I just hope I haven’t, and if I have I’m going to make a conscious effort to revert back to the ‘old’ me that clicked with him; back when we were friends.

I think I’m just seriously over analysing these things because I really really want this to work out. God, I don’t know what happened to me. Everything was so peaceful this time last month… But I am beginning to understand what I have to do. Just be normal, just be myself, don’t over think anything. Let him go crazy with wondering what is going on and just enjoy it without getting all obsessed. Which sounds awkward, ‘getting obsessed’, but it seems to be what I used to do. Ha. Not this time, bitches.

In other news, everything is going well. Watto came down to see me at school and that was good, I think she enjoyed it. Friday night was a lot of fun but there were too many false rumours floating around about me – about how I hooked up with Raina, Hager and the Boy – and had an orgy in my room with them and Mari, and then had sex with the Boy in the day room. I mean, really. Where do people get this stuff from?

UHR. Also, there is much work to be done. French oral and TOK presentation on Wednesday but I’m beginning to know where I’m going with the TOK now, and I think I can get that all done. The only thing I’m really worried about is the IPP and there is a draft that’s supposed to be going in on Friday at 2PM and I haven’t even started the workshops yet – so I think I’m just going to have to make those up. Then there’s Halloween Sosh on Friday which should be fairly interesting (seeing as I have to dress up as a French Maid). I’m just hoping that amongst all of the things going on, I’m going to be able to actually get some sleep. And maybe go to the gym once or twice, that would be good.

Anyways. This post has been severely long. I’m out.

Sorting My Life Out.

4:30PM, 31st October 2012

So, here is my bullet point list of what needs sorting out in my life. I’ve already been making a lot of changes, like having a positive out look on everything, not caring about what people say, creating this blog, and just enjoying the time I have left at AC. But I need to get more motivated, I need to get my act together and I need to – cliche warning – push myself forward to achieve great things.

Things I need to do when I get back to AC before the Christmas break:

• Set aside time for working (at least an hour a day)
• Eat from the fridge for lunch or dinner every day
• Go to the gym/run/swim at least every other day
• Buy a LBD for the Christmas Party
• Look stunning for the Christmas Party
• Get my Uni application UCAS form in
• Get higher grades for my Predicteds
• Stop being lazy/lethargic
• STOP PROCRASTINATING
• Limit myself to £10 a week spending money
• Write.
• Be happy.
• Smile.

A Wet Conservatory Roof

So, I got back from Northern Ireland yesterday. It was good fun there, I didn’t really do much except sit around watching TV, eating, and occasionally going for car-drives. Did a lot of sleeping too, and it was probably a good thing. At least I’m over this illness now; my throat is back to normal but I’m still taking the antibiotics. Have two more days of those, but it’s fine (unless I forget to take them).

Fam has come to my house; we haven’t done much here either. Took the dog for a walk this morning and right now I should be working but am writing this instead. God, I seriously need to work. I have so much to do – lets look at the list:

• Start my IPP
• Start my TOK Presentation (and find a question)
• Theatre Journal (Mock PPP)
• Write my Personal Statement
• Get the Math Studies textbook
• Do the Geography & ESS worksheets
• Start looking for birthday presents for Mads. I’m making her a box.
• Do workshops for the IPP

And so, as you can see, there is a lot I should be getting on with. I will start doing these things too, just after I’ve finished writing this and I feel like my life needs to be updated. I mean there’s not been much happening to do with over this half term – I haven’t done much this half term – but I feel like the moments leading up to it should be explained. I’ll bullet-point, it’s easier.

• Stayed up with the Boy until 4AM on Thursday night in the Secret Room.
• We had pretty intense conversations; it was SO COLD.
• I still haven’t spoken to ‘Sheila’ about everything.
• I don’t really know how to bring it up, but I’ll have to wait till I’m back to school anyways.
• My hair is growing back? I think. Tomorrow will be the 3-week anniversary.
• Haven’t told many of my friends about the Boy yet (because of ‘Sheila’).
• I don’t even know where I stand with him. I assume we’re a ‘thing’, but I don’t know if I want that. I don’t want to have the Talk, I’m just going to see how things go and let them flow without my help.
• Got given loads of work to do over this half term (see above for the full list above)
• Bought a Barbour jacket like I’ve always wanted (YAY) with Mum for my 18th Birthday.
• Need to go shopping again for some new clothes (need jeans) because I’m going to throw some away.

You know what? I’m just going to make a new post with a giant bullet point list. I do enjoy lists.

Once More to the Land of Leprechauns

So. Not much to say this evening – well actually you could consider that a lie, I have a lot to say but right now am just too shattered to put anything down in words. Basically: me & the Boy, the Secret Room, 4AM, Questions and Kisses. It was fantastic. I’m not going to deny it – I really, really like this guy. I think he feels the same? Maybe not as much as I like him, which could be seen as a problem.

Gah, I’m too tired to have to think about this. I will discuss it at a later date. Instead, enjoy this wonderful picture that has become my desktop background; taken by my friend and second year.

His flickr collection can be found here

Goodnight, all.

Autumn Winds

Okay – so. Went for my doctors appointment today and apparently, I have to go for a blood test tomorrow? What’s that about? Now I have penicillin and they’re going to extract blood from my veins just on the off chance that I have glandular fever. Fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.
I’m actually almost too tired to be afraid. Honestly, after living with my throat like this and coming to the conclusion that I’ll do anything to make the pain go away, I reckon a blood test will be a breeze through the park. Only thing is it’s going to take away my morning free. Urgh. Sometimes I just don’t know…

Just realised that Fleet Foxes and Lost Lander sound very similar. Do they have the same singer? Or is it just me?

Also, was thinking about this last night; this is going to be the first break we’ve had with the first years here. It’s kinda strange to think about how close we’ve all become during the 8 or so weeks, and also the fact that I’ve been here for about 10 weeks. So much stuff has happened, so many people have been hurt, got over it, been in fights, forgotten about why, it’s crazy. I mean I know that’s the nature of AC but still I think it’s fascinating.

People are strange; I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, I don’t know if it’s good for me. I think it’s come about due to the fact that everyone I’m surrounded by is completely closed, completely absorbed in their own little worlds because they have so much to do. but also, people’s relationships with each other differ. So then, am I just weird? Because it seems like all my relationships with people are ones I put effort into, apart from a few. This could have to do with the amount of work everyone’s got on, but it’s true. Like the fact that most of my ‘best friends’, everyone (but one) in GLIPS, does not know about the Boy. Speaking of whom, we get on in a certain way that I think has been changing, which probably has to do with the Feels but it’s still interesting to notice.

Everything’s interesting, if you think about it that way. Also, I’ve been spending way too much time in my house. I really need to get out more, meet people, do things. But I guess I can do all of that after I come back from half term – and at which point I will have also done some, at least some, of my work.

Two Days and Counting

Don’t work, you don’t need to. We need to do the IPP – yes, but that can be done during half term.

I have not felt this ill in a very long time. I went on Sick List again today, and I hate having to go on Sick List when I’m actually sick. It’s much more fun when you’re healthy. I slept until 12:30 in the afternoon, at which point I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. Already taken my ‘recommended daily dose’ of paracetamol, because that’s not working. Just wish that my throat would stop being such a wanker, and that I’d got my tonsils taken out a long time ago. That would have been much more simple, and I’d feel better now. Which would mean, yay, I get to be alive and talk to people because I’m not going to see them for a week, come Friday.

The Boy and I (to keep you updated) are still cooking tonight, that should be fun, even though I sound strange every time I try and speak. URHG. Although last night was a bit strange, we didn’t really speak. I don’t know if he feels the way I do – which is good, I guess, in a way. Because it’s always the chase I enjoy, and my god is he keeping me hanging on. Like a puppet in his hands, I am, but we won’t tell anyone that. Weakness is not something I enjoy showing. The constant questioning hurts, but then again I know that this is the only way I like it.

The wanting, the jealousy, the fire, the aches, constant searching. I was talking to someone the other day and described it perfectly:

“When you see them, your whole world lights up. You’re constantly on guard in case they turn up in your life, and when they don’t it’s agony. When they do, suddenly everything’s alright again, and you look at them without wanting them to catch you looking, and just hope that they’re looking at you too. When the two of you are in a room together – with other people – there’s just a constant knowledge of the others’ whereabouts and you question where they’re going if they leave. If you don’t see them all day, you stress out, but then even when you do it’s some how not enough.”

It just makes me smile, being around him. I wonder how no one else has noticed.

Who\’d Have Known – Lily Allen

Believe Me.

What do we know,
about the role of faith?
The word itself is in fact,
just a word,
a mix of letters with such force
that they will drive a stake,
millennia long and wide and sharp,
between those of the same bleeding heart,
the same mind and smile and life.
Is it just all in our heads,
theses assumptions made?
The belief that we are right,
and in this way anyone else
is left out in the dark.
They are wrong and stupid, so,
what do they know of light?
It isn’t fair that blood should flow
and feuds should be so strong,
whilst from above they look down
and wonder what went wrong.

Sick List & Tonsils

So, again. It’s been a while. I haven’t written since… Wednesday? Thursday?

But anyways.

MY HAIR IS GONE.

Yep, that’s right everyone. I am currently a bald person. I am quite enjoying it actually, though. It’s a very liberating feeling. Plus, the hair is growing back pretty fast. I mean I have a layer of fuzz now – still visible scalp, but with a kind of dark sheen – and it’s unbelievably soft. I keep touching my head just to feel it; and so do other people, whilst we’re on the subject. People just love to touch the head for some reason, and though I really don’t have a problem with it I have to question why this is so. You don’t go around touching people’s heads when they have hair, how come we are so fascinated with touching it when there is hair lacking? Maybe it’s just because it’s socially not-normal.

Moving on with other things.
I’ve got a lot of work to do, but at the same time I don’t think I’m going to do it this week because it’s half term (starting Friday) and I can do it over the week-long holiday. I’ve kinda just dropped everything now, and it’s understandable because everything’s so tiring. But also because I am so ill. Not as ill as I was on Friday or over the weekend – now that was pretty bad – but I figured I’d take the day off school today just to finish up this sickness, recuperate, and be all good again tomorrow.  So really, I could be doing a lot of work, and I think I probably will end up doing something productive, but I’m not forcing myself.

In other news, the Boy and I are fine. We’re getting on the same as we did before. He beat me in an intense game of Risk… okay, well. Not so intense. It lasted half an hour and I was destroyed, it was highly unprofessional and quite sad. Literally, I don’t know what happened there. It probably was just not my day, the dice were not nice to me. But yes. I get a little nervous around the Boy, which doesn’t usually happen to me but I think it probably has something to do with the lack of hair but I’m getting over it. Apparently, we’re making dinner together on Wednesday. I’m going to blow his taste buds to smithereens. In a good way, that is. I make good food.  I’m not sure how that happened either – we were just talking about how Wednesdays are pointless, and he asked if I baked on Wednesdays, and suddenly we were cooking together. I’m pleased. But so far haven’t really told anyone about my Feels for this Boy. Apart from my dorm-mates, the Canadian, and J-Adele (aka Cardiff girl) and I told J-Adele because I couldn’t keep it secret anymore and she’s very much an objective person.

Not sure what else there is to say really. Listening to Birdy, it’s quite nice. I’m going to have to go down to coffee-break and talk to one of my teachers about a new service session, and then come back to the house, probably have a nap and then eat soup. YUM.