Sorting My Life Out.

4:30PM, 31st October 2012

So, here is my bullet point list of what needs sorting out in my life. I’ve already been making a lot of changes, like having a positive out look on everything, not caring about what people say, creating this blog, and just enjoying the time I have left at AC. But I need to get more motivated, I need to get my act together and I need to – cliche warning – push myself forward to achieve great things.

Things I need to do when I get back to AC before the Christmas break:

• Set aside time for working (at least an hour a day)
• Eat from the fridge for lunch or dinner every day
• Go to the gym/run/swim at least every other day
• Buy a LBD for the Christmas Party
• Look stunning for the Christmas Party
• Get my Uni application UCAS form in
• Get higher grades for my Predicteds
• Stop being lazy/lethargic
• STOP PROCRASTINATING
• Limit myself to £10 a week spending money
• Write.
• Be happy.
• Smile.

A Wet Conservatory Roof

So, I got back from Northern Ireland yesterday. It was good fun there, I didn’t really do much except sit around watching TV, eating, and occasionally going for car-drives. Did a lot of sleeping too, and it was probably a good thing. At least I’m over this illness now; my throat is back to normal but I’m still taking the antibiotics. Have two more days of those, but it’s fine (unless I forget to take them).

Fam has come to my house; we haven’t done much here either. Took the dog for a walk this morning and right now I should be working but am writing this instead. God, I seriously need to work. I have so much to do – lets look at the list:

• Start my IPP
• Start my TOK Presentation (and find a question)
• Theatre Journal (Mock PPP)
• Write my Personal Statement
• Get the Math Studies textbook
• Do the Geography & ESS worksheets
• Start looking for birthday presents for Mads. I’m making her a box.
• Do workshops for the IPP

And so, as you can see, there is a lot I should be getting on with. I will start doing these things too, just after I’ve finished writing this and I feel like my life needs to be updated. I mean there’s not been much happening to do with over this half term – I haven’t done much this half term – but I feel like the moments leading up to it should be explained. I’ll bullet-point, it’s easier.

• Stayed up with the Boy until 4AM on Thursday night in the Secret Room.
• We had pretty intense conversations; it was SO COLD.
• I still haven’t spoken to ‘Sheila’ about everything.
• I don’t really know how to bring it up, but I’ll have to wait till I’m back to school anyways.
• My hair is growing back? I think. Tomorrow will be the 3-week anniversary.
• Haven’t told many of my friends about the Boy yet (because of ‘Sheila’).
• I don’t even know where I stand with him. I assume we’re a ‘thing’, but I don’t know if I want that. I don’t want to have the Talk, I’m just going to see how things go and let them flow without my help.
• Got given loads of work to do over this half term (see above for the full list above)
• Bought a Barbour jacket like I’ve always wanted (YAY) with Mum for my 18th Birthday.
• Need to go shopping again for some new clothes (need jeans) because I’m going to throw some away.

You know what? I’m just going to make a new post with a giant bullet point list. I do enjoy lists.

Once More to the Land of Leprechauns

So. Not much to say this evening – well actually you could consider that a lie, I have a lot to say but right now am just too shattered to put anything down in words. Basically: me & the Boy, the Secret Room, 4AM, Questions and Kisses. It was fantastic. I’m not going to deny it – I really, really like this guy. I think he feels the same? Maybe not as much as I like him, which could be seen as a problem.

Gah, I’m too tired to have to think about this. I will discuss it at a later date. Instead, enjoy this wonderful picture that has become my desktop background; taken by my friend and second year.

His flickr collection can be found here

Goodnight, all.

Autumn Winds

Okay – so. Went for my doctors appointment today and apparently, I have to go for a blood test tomorrow? What’s that about? Now I have penicillin and they’re going to extract blood from my veins just on the off chance that I have glandular fever. Fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.
I’m actually almost too tired to be afraid. Honestly, after living with my throat like this and coming to the conclusion that I’ll do anything to make the pain go away, I reckon a blood test will be a breeze through the park. Only thing is it’s going to take away my morning free. Urgh. Sometimes I just don’t know…

Just realised that Fleet Foxes and Lost Lander sound very similar. Do they have the same singer? Or is it just me?

Also, was thinking about this last night; this is going to be the first break we’ve had with the first years here. It’s kinda strange to think about how close we’ve all become during the 8 or so weeks, and also the fact that I’ve been here for about 10 weeks. So much stuff has happened, so many people have been hurt, got over it, been in fights, forgotten about why, it’s crazy. I mean I know that’s the nature of AC but still I think it’s fascinating.

People are strange; I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, I don’t know if it’s good for me. I think it’s come about due to the fact that everyone I’m surrounded by is completely closed, completely absorbed in their own little worlds because they have so much to do. but also, people’s relationships with each other differ. So then, am I just weird? Because it seems like all my relationships with people are ones I put effort into, apart from a few. This could have to do with the amount of work everyone’s got on, but it’s true. Like the fact that most of my ‘best friends’, everyone (but one) in GLIPS, does not know about the Boy. Speaking of whom, we get on in a certain way that I think has been changing, which probably has to do with the Feels but it’s still interesting to notice.

Everything’s interesting, if you think about it that way. Also, I’ve been spending way too much time in my house. I really need to get out more, meet people, do things. But I guess I can do all of that after I come back from half term – and at which point I will have also done some, at least some, of my work.

Two Days and Counting

Don’t work, you don’t need to. We need to do the IPP – yes, but that can be done during half term.

I have not felt this ill in a very long time. I went on Sick List again today, and I hate having to go on Sick List when I’m actually sick. It’s much more fun when you’re healthy. I slept until 12:30 in the afternoon, at which point I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. Already taken my ‘recommended daily dose’ of paracetamol, because that’s not working. Just wish that my throat would stop being such a wanker, and that I’d got my tonsils taken out a long time ago. That would have been much more simple, and I’d feel better now. Which would mean, yay, I get to be alive and talk to people because I’m not going to see them for a week, come Friday.

The Boy and I (to keep you updated) are still cooking tonight, that should be fun, even though I sound strange every time I try and speak. URHG. Although last night was a bit strange, we didn’t really speak. I don’t know if he feels the way I do – which is good, I guess, in a way. Because it’s always the chase I enjoy, and my god is he keeping me hanging on. Like a puppet in his hands, I am, but we won’t tell anyone that. Weakness is not something I enjoy showing. The constant questioning hurts, but then again I know that this is the only way I like it.

The wanting, the jealousy, the fire, the aches, constant searching. I was talking to someone the other day and described it perfectly:

“When you see them, your whole world lights up. You’re constantly on guard in case they turn up in your life, and when they don’t it’s agony. When they do, suddenly everything’s alright again, and you look at them without wanting them to catch you looking, and just hope that they’re looking at you too. When the two of you are in a room together – with other people – there’s just a constant knowledge of the others’ whereabouts and you question where they’re going if they leave. If you don’t see them all day, you stress out, but then even when you do it’s some how not enough.”

It just makes me smile, being around him. I wonder how no one else has noticed.

Who\’d Have Known – Lily Allen

Believe Me.

What do we know,
about the role of faith?
The word itself is in fact,
just a word,
a mix of letters with such force
that they will drive a stake,
millennia long and wide and sharp,
between those of the same bleeding heart,
the same mind and smile and life.
Is it just all in our heads,
theses assumptions made?
The belief that we are right,
and in this way anyone else
is left out in the dark.
They are wrong and stupid, so,
what do they know of light?
It isn’t fair that blood should flow
and feuds should be so strong,
whilst from above they look down
and wonder what went wrong.

Sick List & Tonsils

So, again. It’s been a while. I haven’t written since… Wednesday? Thursday?

But anyways.

MY HAIR IS GONE.

Yep, that’s right everyone. I am currently a bald person. I am quite enjoying it actually, though. It’s a very liberating feeling. Plus, the hair is growing back pretty fast. I mean I have a layer of fuzz now – still visible scalp, but with a kind of dark sheen – and it’s unbelievably soft. I keep touching my head just to feel it; and so do other people, whilst we’re on the subject. People just love to touch the head for some reason, and though I really don’t have a problem with it I have to question why this is so. You don’t go around touching people’s heads when they have hair, how come we are so fascinated with touching it when there is hair lacking? Maybe it’s just because it’s socially not-normal.

Moving on with other things.
I’ve got a lot of work to do, but at the same time I don’t think I’m going to do it this week because it’s half term (starting Friday) and I can do it over the week-long holiday. I’ve kinda just dropped everything now, and it’s understandable because everything’s so tiring. But also because I am so ill. Not as ill as I was on Friday or over the weekend – now that was pretty bad – but I figured I’d take the day off school today just to finish up this sickness, recuperate, and be all good again tomorrow.  So really, I could be doing a lot of work, and I think I probably will end up doing something productive, but I’m not forcing myself.

In other news, the Boy and I are fine. We’re getting on the same as we did before. He beat me in an intense game of Risk… okay, well. Not so intense. It lasted half an hour and I was destroyed, it was highly unprofessional and quite sad. Literally, I don’t know what happened there. It probably was just not my day, the dice were not nice to me. But yes. I get a little nervous around the Boy, which doesn’t usually happen to me but I think it probably has something to do with the lack of hair but I’m getting over it. Apparently, we’re making dinner together on Wednesday. I’m going to blow his taste buds to smithereens. In a good way, that is. I make good food.  I’m not sure how that happened either – we were just talking about how Wednesdays are pointless, and he asked if I baked on Wednesdays, and suddenly we were cooking together. I’m pleased. But so far haven’t really told anyone about my Feels for this Boy. Apart from my dorm-mates, the Canadian, and J-Adele (aka Cardiff girl) and I told J-Adele because I couldn’t keep it secret anymore and she’s very much an objective person.

Not sure what else there is to say really. Listening to Birdy, it’s quite nice. I’m going to have to go down to coffee-break and talk to one of my teachers about a new service session, and then come back to the house, probably have a nap and then eat soup. YUM.

Interesting Articles

Just flipping through the interweb and discovered some of these. Figured I may as well put them up and share them out, so that I can remember them in the future.

• http://www.vulture.com/2012/10/25-most-devoted-fans.html?mid=nymag_press#
• http://frugaltraveler.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/08/24/scandinavia-on-125-a-day
• http://www.cnngo.com/explorations/life/how-be-london-local-10-tips-faking-it-970492

Tom Hiddleston wrote this article (woooo) :

• http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/filmblog/2012/apr/19/avengers-assemble-tom-hiddleston-superhero

Personality Questionnaire

Extraversion
Some people like lots of stimulation; they want people around them, activity and excitement, whilst others prefer to be able to focus on things in a calm and quiet environment. Most people prefer a blend of the two extremes although your answers suggest you have a preference for the livelier situations. This may help you if you work in busy, hectic and very sociable settings but you may get bored and even frustrated when things are too quiet.

Confidence
Some people make decisions very easily and tend not to worry about them before or afterwards while, at the other extreme, some people are so careful and cautious that the decisions never get made! Taking a cautious approach can be a good thing (do you want to fly with a pilot that is so free from worry and concern that she never checks her controls and instruments and doesn’t bother to communicate with air-traffic control?) and you seem to have described yourself as someone who does tend to be quite cautious and careful. This can be very important in detailed work or areas were mistakes can have a major cost although you may find yourself avoiding risks and many cautious people wish they were bolder.

Openness
While some people like experimenting with new things and ideas, others prefer traditional methods and taking a very practical approach to problems.

Your answers suggest that you may more interested in the creative, new and experimental aspects of situations than dealing with the routine practicalities. While your dreams and plans may not always be achievable, you are likely to be very open to new ideas and ways of doing things.

Agreeableness
Most people want to be able to get on with others but to some it is the most important thing in the world, whilst others are quite happy to upset someone else if it means that things get done.

Your answers suggest that you can be firm with people when you need to be but that getting on with others is still important to you. Like most people you would rather avoid conflict but are not prepared to put up with being treated badly by others.

Conscientiousness
Some people like everything to be well planned, tidy and organised, whilst others prefer to deal with things as they come up and appear to work in absolute chaos.

Your answers suggest that, like most people, you like to have a little clarity about where things are but that you would rather cope with some things as they arise than spend too much time sorting out every single detail. This approach may help you when working with teams and also when having to deal with those situations that you just can’t plan for.

It's Melon Season.

It’s been a while, let’s just say. A week and a day, to be precise. One hell of a week – I didn’t know so much could happen in such a short space of time.

So we’ll start at the beginning: last wrote on Tuesday the 9th. Went to bed on Wednesday (10th) at 9:30PM because I was just so god-damn tired – it was a wonderful, wonderful thing. The rest of the week passed in kind of a work-heavy blur that I don’t really remember or want to think about.

Then I met a Boy.

Well, not really ‘met’ because he’s been here the whole time, but we spent ages chatting on Thursday and Friday night. Part of me wants something to happen there, another part just wants to be friends. It’s also a struggle because tomorrow is the day that I’m shaving my head. Yep. I’m going to have no hair. Tomorrow night it’s all being shaved off.

I’m excited, and always say “No” when people ask if I’m worried. I’m not, I’m really not worried. About the physical act of shaving off my hair, that is – I couldn’t care less and am ready for it. But I’m just a little skeptical about how other people will take it. I mean, even though we all wish we weren’t, we’re all vain. I admit that I am, and I’m sure that lots of other people admit they suffer from vanity too. But vanity doesn’t just have to be about the Self – I’ve had two guys come up to me and insinuate we should have sex ‘tonight’ because after tomorrow night I’m not going to have hair. Vanity and shallowness is a terrible thing, and it really makes me question: What is so great about hair? Why do we care about it so much?

But still, I’m kinda afraid. What if they change their perception of me? Or worse, what if they’re completely normal to my face but then laugh or cringe behind my back? What if those people who currently find me attractive don’t find me attractive anymore? And yes, I know it’s a terribly shallow question but I am actually afraid of that. I’m not going to lie – I enjoy being attractive and sought after by males.

But I think I could handle all that as long as I know the Boy  wouldn’t care. I think we feel the same way about each other (I’m trying to keep it cool, you know. Act like I don’t care and all that) but that could all change tomorrow. He could completely change his view about me and I’d be stuck with all these Feels that I don’t want, for someone who doesn’t want me.

The tragedy that is life, huh?

But after all that stuff, my main thought is: fuck it. I want to do this, I’m doing it for myself, and it’s going to be one of the most intense and exciting experiences I’ll ever have. My hair will grow back, and it will prove who really cares about me – those who change, well. I’ll know they never were my friends in the first place. There is more to me than my hair, and I’m about to prove it.

Diaspora

There’s no fault that you have,
that he can see,
no wall in your soul
he can’t break.
This silence that we live in
is heavy and charged,
with a tension,
an atmosphere,

which you love.

To know what he knows,
and not say it out loud
is drowning in a puddle of water;
difficult to understand,
but if broken, so easy to do.
A harmless bet, a shake of hands,
lets hope it comes to nothing -
for to lose, he would be sporting,
but inside could turn hollow.
Does he want the girl next door?
Or the one he knows so well?
Or in fact, are they both wrong,
for there is a third who caught him
in her net and he
does not fight so well.

and then a Sofa Fell on my Face

So, I’ve been having a good couple of days.

Yesterday was a little bit infuriating because I don’t understand my Theory of Knowledge teacher, Lindsay – she doesn’t make sense and we’re supposed to be doing presentations soon. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing and eventually just wound myself up way too much. But I chilled after a while, and then I was just busy. I don’t think I stopped moving until I got into bed, and then I couldn’t sleep because it was hot.

It shouldn’t be this hot in October at night.

But to continue; I finished my Extended Essay today (Yay!) and handed it in. I’m pretty proud of it.
Now all I have to do is all that god-damn Theatre coursework, and good lord there is plenty of that. Also, when I went next door (Whitiker-way) to toast a bagel (because we currently don’t have a toaster in our house, Gwynedd) I stole a book from the day-room,  called Good Omens – it looks pretty good, it’s quite funny and interesting so far, so I’m going to keep reading that and not give it back until I finish it. Or I might just keep it.

It’s been a very successful day, I’ve made progress and been pretty motivated to do stuff. This will be kept up in the future too – not just tomorrow or the day after, but for the rest of my time here at AC. It needs to be so. I need to do well, enjoy myself, and make the most of what I figure is the best two years of my life. I even made a banana cake today.

Also, I’ve been writing a lot of poetry lately which I’ve not done before, so I’m going to put that up here on TDITR  before I switch off the light and go to sleep – (planning to go to the gym at 7AM tomorrow!)

Oh. And I also managed, whilst laughing hysterically at my room mate, to fall off the back of the sofa and pull it down on top of me. Yes. A sofa fell on my face.

Guns Don't Kill People, Deadlines Do

So tomorrow is the deadline for my Extended Essay, and I still have a conclusion and abstract to write, as well as touching up all sorts of bits and pieces. The question is, then, what on earth am I doing on here?

I should be downstairs in the quiet room, working hard. Or I should be sleeping – god I just want to sleep. I don’t want to have to deal with this deadline; and I reckon that actually I’ve got all sorts of other homework due for tomorrow that I just haven’t done. It’s almost 11:30 at night, I’m not allowed to go to sleep until 1AM now because otherwise it’s going to screw up my body clock.

So lets just ignore the noose around my neck that is IB deadlines for five minutes and bullet point the going ons of life at the moment:

• I’m shaving my head for WWF. the link can be found at https://www.justgiving.com/Sophie-Killip
• There are no boys in my life (the way I want it)
• Bit emotional, but feeling good
• Talked to Anna tonight on Facebook, she seems to be doing well but wants to come back to AC and needs a visa in order to do so
• Went to the gym, am tired
• Can now successfully run all the way to Llantwit, which is a pretty good feat for me.
• Am feeling not very healthy today (oreos, toffifee, instant noodles) but am not in the mood to care.
• Fish are alive

Basically life is pretty good, there’s just a lot of work to do. So I better go and do that, because it’s about to become exactly half past 11 and I’m going to crash here and now if I’m not careful.

Burdened with Glorious Purpose.

Found a wonderful article, which leads on to more wonderful articles, a while ago. Just thought I’d post it on here, seeing as I’m obsessed with Loki and all his greatness.

http://sorrows-fall.com/2012/05/24/the-loki-effec/

Jesus Christ, I love that man. That character – him and Mitchell from Being Human. They’re all I need in the world. And the actors who play them are fabulous too; so much respect/admiration/love for them.

Oh, he’s wonderful.

Away with the Hair

hair grows back. i have thought of the car – i’ve thought about all of it and it freaked me out a little bit, but in the end all of the reasons why I should do it outweighed the ones that said don’t.
My car’s not going anywhere, and just because I don’t have hair doesn’t mean the car couldn’t start rolling somewhere eventually.
It’s an experience I’ll probably never get to have again, and honestly I would feel worse if I didn’t do it and then regretted not doing it, because i’d live with that for the rest of my life. But if I regret it after I’ve done it, it’ll only take a little while before it grows out and then I’ll just have short hair – which I’ve had before, I know what it’s like.
Otherwise what am I going to do? It’ll keep growing, get to a nice long length… and then what? Just sit there.
Friends don’t desert you just because you don’t have hair, and yes I admit I probably won’t be as attractive to some as when I had hair, but if that’s the case I shouldn’t be going for those people anyways because they can’t look past the fact that I did something for myself, and to raise money for a charity.
I know it’s a big thing, but if I don’t do it now I probably never will and I really want to. I’m scared, it’s a huge change, but I’m really excited.

To Die Would Be an Awfully Big Adventure

Well. I guess we begin at the beginning; have had this blog sitting quietly since the summer and just haven’t done anything about it but I figure now is the time to do so.

The time is currently 11.52PM, and it is Wednesday the 3rd of October 2012.

I don’t know what changed within me to start doing this blog properly, but I’m glad it did because I’ve always known that I wanted to start a blog – I just haven’t really had the motivation.

Now, I do. I think maybe it has something to do with Challenge Camp, because that was when everything changed for me. Again, I don’t know why anything changed but I reckon it had to do with my terrible claustrophobia when I was about to go into a cave – I shudder at the mere thought of it. Something about that cave freaked me the fuck out, and i burst into tears more quickly than I think I have ever done before.

Challenge Camp was great, and I think after it I gained this passion for life. Literally, I’m just striving forwards now. I know what I want, it’s all there before me. I want to get over a certain boy. I want to enjoy these last 8 months I have in the most wonderful place I’ve ever known, because the time is flying by bloody fast and I’m anxious because of it. I don’t want to leave, it’s not time yet. All I know is that I have a lot of time left, or so it would seem, and I refuse to waste it or let my infatuation with someone who doesn’t reciprocate it get in the way of my fun and my freedom.

It’s time to have a blast. It’s time to be young and wild and stupid, and I’m going to live it up with all I’ve got. I’ll get to the end of this year shattered and broken, wounded and empty, but I’ll know that it has all been worth it.