Heartbreak(ers) & Empire

Thursday night after doing a full day of Theatre stuff. Still on a weird emotional roller coaster that I think has a lot to do with my current position, thoughts about the future, and general restlessness that comes with probably not doing enough exercise. I have begun to be able to notice the change within myself when it happens – frightening, but good to know. It’s just frustrating to have to go through the downward side when I know there is no reason. To prove something to myself, I have decided to create a list. Of all the males in my life that have been romantically inclined to me, or that I have been romantically inclined too. This is a FULL list, even dating back to when I was about 6 and didn’t know what ‘liking’ someone really meant.

And it’s to prove that thoughts being held currently (well, not now, but the ones I have about three times a day during a downward spiral) mean nothing. That I will laugh about them in the future, and that right now there are bigger and better things to be getting on with. Let’s begin:

• Brodie – age: 5? ‘Liked’ me, was annoyed/enjoyed the attention. He left the country.
• T. Alt – ages 7-12? Best mates in grade 1-3, then again in about grade 5-6, went on dates in the later years, never really fancied him that way but he ‘liked’ me and I was willing to go with it. Left the country. Is now fit as fuck and I miss his friendship but assume he’s changed.
• Braces – ages 12-15. This time it was actually three years. Liked each other, end of grade 5, ended in disaster. Came back in grade 6 still (assuming I was) head over heels in love with the guy. Hated me. Worst year of my life, in fact. Grades 6-7, he caused so much grief and pain. Totally not worth the effort and the ‘agony’ I thought I was feeling.
• Shark-bite – age 12? 13? Fancied him, he was 14. Didn’t last long, went on one date. Got freaked out when he said he wanted to hook up with me so ended it. Ha…
• Emo – God, when even was this? age 15? What an absolute waste of time and effort, never had feelings reciprocated and I absolutely wanted his love so bad… Just feel stupid thinking about it, pining over someone who was just a bit of a twat.
• Arrowsmith – I completely forgot about him, oops. How could I do that? Grade 8, age 15? Went out for two months, began to get into it, went on Christmas holidays and completely lost all feelings. It could have been wonderful, but he ‘liked’ me more. I need(ed) balance, and it wasn’t there. Sorry. I truly am, I never meant to hurt.
• Finchy – age 16. I miss him. I miss him so much, he was wonderful. It never finished, because I had to move to the fucking UK and now he’s gone, and I’ll never see him again. I don’t even know where he is anymore – moved back to the UK too but doesn’t have freaking facebook. I doubt he even remembers me, but I hope to God we meet again. Such a great guy, good friend, oh I miss him.
• Birmingham – age 16, UK. Never really wanted it, hooked up at a party because my friend was ‘with’ his best friend. Didn’t think I’d see him again, but ended up meeting… twice more? Wanted me to go out with him. Turned him down. No remorse.
• Summer ’12 – MY WORD, what utter nonsense. To think that I spent all those hours thinking and lamenting over a guy such as him… it makes me shudder to think about. I wanted to lose it to him. I was so ready to. I was so happy when he was with me, it was all such a mess. I almost cried when it got difficult. Why did I feel so strongly about it? Makes no sense whatsoever. Now that I think about it, should have left it as a casual summer romance. Shouldn’t have thought I actually loved him. Grief not worth it at all.
• Brit-German – 17. AC. First year. Fair enough, fancied him for a fair while. Turns out he’s just a bit of a prick when it comes to girls, and only chases the ones who don’t want him. Never reciprocated my feelings, at least I don’t think he did. I felt too much, perhaps, when it comes down to it. There was so much tension there, so much aching and paining and wanting and admiration. Seems I didn’t have my head on right, but rose-goggles do that I guess.
• Seagulls – 17. AC. First year. Brilliant, brilliant guy. Managed to dip my toe in the ‘love’ pool with this one, I guess. It was a fairly deep almost-three-month relationship. Again, Christmas ruined it, with the added spice of still being close with Brit-German, who I assumed something would happen with if I wasn’t with Seagulls. I know I broke his heart, and I don’t know why I did it. I guess not feeling it anymore was a good enough reason to end it.
• The Boy – 17-18. AC. Second year. What. Am. I. Doing? It’s pretty clear how pining after someone ends up – laughable, absolutely amusing and nothing much else. He’s not one of the ones I will look back at and think “wonderful”; he’s one of the ones that I will look back and think “what an manslut”. Love him to pieces as a friend, but do not approve of his romantic AC life story. Been with the New Girl quite a long time though, so if it makes it to the end of the year I’ll have to take that back.
There it is then. Everything up to the present. Looking back has really helped, I think, to understand where I need to go from here. It’s possible to be happy, very much so. I just don’t need this type of happiness – the romantic, two-into-one-entity happiness – just yet. Otherwise the list might get too long.
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• In other news, the new Star Trek: Into Darkness trailer makes the film look EPIC and I can’t wait to see it (out in the UK on May 10th). Also, Thor 2 is coming out (October 30th?) and there’s some guy doing a cameo in it – I read on Empire – but that’s not really the point here. The point here is that fans of Tom Hiddleston have become known as ‘Hiddlestoners’… what the actual fuck? I mean don’t get me wrong, I’ve never fan-girled over someone as much as I do for Tom Hiddleston but come on, people, please! What is the world coming to when we must give a name for everything? It puts his fans on the same level as “Beliebers” and “Twihards” – and I for one am not pleased to be labelled among such cretin.