Boxing Day '12

Things are pretty sweet, it has to be said. I’m still not feeling the need and endless pain that I had last year, just wanting to get back to AC. Part of me wants to go back, I miss everyone, but another part of me is plain refusing to think about the fact that I have to go back to that place. I guess it’s a bit of a love-hate relationship, which is understandable considering the type of things that go on there and the amount of work I have that is due when I get back (but still hasn’t been done).

We have all Dad’s family here – including him – Al and Nanny J are currently playing a game of Ludo whilst Smiley looks on, and Flash is sleeping beside me. It’s happy, and chilled, and I had a really nice Christmas day yesterday. It started out fairly mediocre and I was wondering what we would do, but Christmas lunch was great and we had a massive family quiz afterwards. I want to be able to have family traditions at Christmas time, but like Mum said: “Because we were living in Sing and always came back for Christmas, we were always at someone else’s house”. Which is unfortunate but true.

In other news, I got some nice presents including a book on How To Get Published, which is just proving how difficult it is to get out there and get your book(s) published so I really need to start trying. Trying to write, that is, and shout my name out to the world about my writing. Which is why I think one of my New Years resolutions will be to start doing writing competitions, build the portfolio that I want, and also I’ve joined a site called the Writers Cafe where I’m going to post chapters and poems and stuff. Hopefully on there I’ll start getting feedback and people will notice me – though if the past is anything to go on, I never have much luck on the internet. Maybe my stories are too ‘out there’ for the masses. Sucks to be them.

OH! And I have had an offer from the University of York, and am doing a Drama Workshop & Interview at Exeter in late January, I do believe. This is going to be exciting, but I’m a little bit trepidatious. Life is running at me full pelt, and I can’t stop it. I don’t want to.

A Little Stir

With a tea spoon, correctly given name,
the warmth of milky brew,
and the comfort of knowing,
you are not alone out here.
The wild winds whistling, trees a-sway,
but within the home, games
are at play, the people’s thoughts,
dancing through the musky air,
like trails of stardust.
So many lights, and sparkling things,
it’s a time where we all feel like kings,
and emotions fly and fray but still -
we’re living in comfort, a bug
snug, rooting through strands,
of the carpet he owns.
Mist, rain, they said there would be sleet,
but perhaps they lied,
it doesn’t matter either way,
the happiness is in my hands,
a mug full of safe and warm,
like home it calls,
and I am undone.

A Thought I've Had All Day:

Happiness is a warm gun, but an angel’s pulling the trigger.

Around the Clock

It’s been a couple of days, and everything that I’d planned to start doing… I haven’t even begun yet. But I am not really that bothered – yes, the TOK essay and the Maths project and the IPP need to be done before I go back to school, but it’s Christmas! I’ll probably start working tomorrow (hopefully). I will get it done, but right now I would rather be enjoying myself and relaxing. Plus, tonight I’m focusing on my writing and my stories, which I haven’t done for a very long time.
I’m excited to explore my mind again; maybe by doing this I’ll be able to clear out some room for other thoughts, and will be able to remember what it is I really want to do with my life, what my goals are. They never went away, but I think somewhere along the road I took a detour, got a little lost, and now it’s time to get back to where I should be.

Truth

“If only you knew how much it pains me, every day, having to live like this.”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t you understand? Humanity is so overrated, you’re so difficult to understand, so difficult to pretend to be. I can’t do it anymore!”
“But… you can’t give up!”
“What else am I supposed to do? I’m lost, I’ve lost everything.”
“You still have me.”
“Not for much longer. You know that, we both know that.”
“How could you say such a thing? Even if I’m not here that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I’ll always be here for you, you know that.”
“What do you expect me to do? I don’t want to be here without you. I don’t want to be human… without you. My humanity is so difficult to hold on to. Sometimes I forget myself… sometimes I see what I could be, and I’m a monster… but it’s beautiful. It’s a wonderful daydream.”
“So why not just become the monster? What’s stopping you?”
“You. Being with you. That’s what’s stopping me from being exactly what I don’t want to become.”
“…”
“Well, say something.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Yes you do, you always know what to say. Please, I need you. You’re everything I want and need and have. Without you I’m nothing, just a shell of the person I was, just a beast to prey on those who once meant something to me. I’ve killed too many times, I’ve done too much… I’m so scared.”
“I know. It’s okay, I’m here.”
“But you won’t be! You’ve chosen who you are, you chose him! And you chose that life, the life that I can never have.”
“Can you blame me?”
“… No. It’s the life I would have wanted. It’s the life I want you to have… I’m just selfish, that’s all.”
“No you’re not.”
“Yes, I am. I’m saying all these things to make you stay but you really shouldn’t be. Who am I to deny you of the things you want, just because I can’t have them anymore. I just… I just wish things would have turned out differently. I wish I had met you without being this way.”
“There’s nothing wrong with the way you are.”
“There’s everything wrong with the way I am, and you know it. I’m nothing.”
“No, that’s not true. You’re everything. You’re mine, and I…”
“Yes?”
“I… I love you.”
“I love you, too. I always have.”
“Stay with me?”
“For eternity. “

Revolution.

This time, I think it’s of the heart. I need a heart revolution, I need to boycott love and start a resistance against it so that my mind and these Feels I have are in harmony. Maybe then the gentle twang of Oh god why will cease to exist. Which is why I bring this song to your attention:

Radioactive – Imagine Dragons

Great song, by a great band that Cooper showed me quite a long time ago. I think they’re on the way to becoming my possible new favourites.

Moving on; what was I going to say? I figure I should do a bit of updating seeing as I haven’t written a post in about 10 days. First off then:

I am EIGHTEEN, bitches. EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. LEGAL.

Yet all the things I thought I would have done by this point in my life I still have not achieved – I dunno, the idea of being 18 seems more appealing than actually being this age. There isn’t really much change and so far I haven’t done a lot with my new-found freedom. My birthday was fairly quiet, and although I did have a legendary time at the Harry Potter film museum thing down in London, I haven’t been out like you would expect a newborn 18 year old to do. I guess it’s because it’s the holidays and the only people I would really celebrate with are those at AC. So we’ll see. January, perhaps.

Speaking of January – I’ve decided (right this very second) that 2013 is going to be my year. It seems like a little bit of an awkward year – and according to the Mayans, we’re not even going to reach it – but perhaps that’s what I need. Something that I wouldn’t expect to go right, a year that seems a little wonky, just to straighten everything out. I found the word: Serendipity. It’s what I need and I’m never going to find it by looking for it, which I realised this term, so I’m just going to stop. Let go of the strings, stop trying to control everything, and just let things happen the way they’re going to. I’ve got too much to do to worry about where life is going to take me.

I’m eighteen, I’ve got six months left at the most fabulous place on earth, surrounded by wonderful friends that I’ll never forget. Why would I want to ruin that by being hung up on anyone, or fretting about something that doesn’t even matter. Its time to do things forme. This is the most transitional couple of years I’ve ever had in my entire life, and I better enjoy it before it slips through my fingers. I’m never going to get this time back and it’s time I realised that. So.

Get off the sofa. Stop sitting around in a dressing gown. Have a shower. Wake up at a reasonable hour. Health, happiness, friends, family, laughter. Lack of hair. It’s all I need.

But before I jump to my feet and become productive (for I have a lot of things to do today), perhaps a life update.
I only need some key words in order to remember everything – Sober Friday, trying to do Sosh (failed), Topless Gwosh on Saturday. Christmas Party, date was Raina, got a little bit trashed but it was an insane evening and very much enjoyed it. Topless Gwosh Round 2, and then a chilled Sunday. Monday = Drunken StuC0 (funniest thing in my life). Tuesday = Gay bonding, looking after the drunken peoples and then staying up till 1:30am with the boys. That was a lot of fun. ‘Oh, Canada’ would not stop talking and that was why it was so amusing. But also, it’s nice to be… accepted? Is that the word I’m looking for? I don’t know. I prefer hanging out with guys, they’re so much more interesting and there isn’t any bitching. Although guys do bitch, but hell it’s funny. I just find it curious because they talk about girls a lot, and I wonder if they ever talk about me. If so, what do they say? Or maybe they just don’t talk about me because they don’t see me as anything. Either way, it’s time not to care. Wednesday = Birthday ‘celebrations’. Not much done, except was Duty Dorm – that didn’t work. And then got a tad emotional which probably wasn’t the best idea but it wasn’t like I could help it. And Hager (aka the Hagermiester) showered me. That was random, but appreciated. Thursday = Birthday’s eve, chilled and watched the Grinch.
And then. Home on Friday the 14th of December, also known as my birthday.

Otherwise, there isn’t much to tell. I keep writing poetry, I don’t know why. But this Christmas I really do want to continue Recto Verso, I feel like I’ve left Luke and Abby behind and their story needs to be told. Got a lot of notebooks (wooooo0) so life is going to be organised. Life is good, life is nice. The sun is shining, I’m at home, and there isn’t anything I need to worry about. Time to let go of the Feels, time to let go of the heartache and the worrying. Stop looking, stop thinking. Concentrate on what is really important.

I raise my flags, don my clothes. It’s a revolution, I suppose.

Down to Business

Yes, let’s get down to it. Except my mind is so all over the place at the moment that I think it’s time for a BULLET POINT list in order to gather my thoughts:

This Christmas Holiday – Things I must (and want) to do:

• Get the Boy out of my mind
• TOK essay
• Data for Maths Project
• Run/Work out (every day if possible)
• Finish the IPP
• Write my Theatre Journal (for the whole of third term)
• Buy Christmas presents – yeah, still haven’t done that
• See Watto, Liv & Squared. Perhaps the Regulars.
• Write, god damn it, write
• English Writing Task 1
• Make French flash cards
• Read French Matilda
• Get a job. Get payed. Have MONEYS.
• Be happy.

Fluidity

It’s not what my mind is; a jagged, rough piece of metal stabbing at my brain. Really quite violent imagery isn’t it? But that’s what I’m feeling at the moment, it’s weird. There’s been questions going around and around my head and I can’t get rid of them. The main one being why? In everything it’s up to humans to question but I wish I didn’t have to do so, it makes my heart ache. I can’t stop the pain – it’s mild now, much less than it was before, but my word I hate being a female.
We have all these feelings and they’re shit. I wish I didn’t feel, had the ability to be a free and open person without attachment; attachment is unnecessary, no one wants it. Especially, apparently, the male gender. Which is completely and utterly irresponsible of them because they take our hearts in their hands and crush them into dust when they’re bored. Well. Fuck you for being bored.
But that’s unfair of me to say because I’ve been exactly in that position, and no, you don’t want to hurt the other person but it just happens – it’s not your fault. But I never understood the way they felt, because I’d never been in that position. It’s breaking, shattering, and I hate it. Why do I believe something that is never going to happen, and why hasn’t anyone turned around by now and admitted to me that it’s not? They don’t want to hurt me? Too late for that, mate. Why.
I feel so destructive, a fuse about to blow and I’m taking everyone else with me if I’m going down. Anger; it’s like this fire in my viens and I swear that I will snarl at you, I will be fierce and snap at your throat if you get too close, hackles raised, fists curled, I want to punch something. I wish I was stronger.
But it’s not fair, it’s not their fault, they just have to take all the crap I throw and it’s not on them. It’s not got anything to do with them, but I can’t be vicious to any one who deserves it.
“But we can still be friends.” “Promise?” “Pinky.” “Okay, can you do me a favour then?” “Anything.” “Shove that pinky promise up your ass, you broke my heart, you asshole.”
And then there’s GLIPS. What the hell does that even mean? Who came up with that? Who wants that? Why have we subjectively removed ourselves from the whole world and everyone in it by creating a shallow, high school clique in which we never have deep intense discussions, but just talk about boys and gossip and I have to sit there every day while they blabber on and no body cares. No body asks me how I’m doing and even if they did what would I say? Because it’s over now, there’s nothing wrong and it’s not like I deserve the sympathy, I should just get over it.
Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine. It’s always just fine.

Lazy Sunday

I wanted to have one with you;

to stay warm and snug in

a bed only big enough for one,

and the little one said roll over,

but you wouldn’t let me fall out.

We would eat breakfast,

drink tea and watch movies,

never retracting ourselves,

hidden away in the corner,

whilst the world circled slowly round us,

and it wouldn’t matter.

The time would tick on,

and before we knew it,

our day would come to an end.

But we would accept this with

the easy knowledge that our lives

were intwined,

and what was once done cannot be lost -

oh, just one day,

pure lethargic bliss,

but I cannot stay in bed.

Rewind

S'Alright

Haven’t written for a long time; two weeks. I wish I did write more, because I think it would really help my thoughts get processed, but it’s fairly difficult what with everything going on. I’ve got an English Oral tomorrow morning, 10AM – and haven’t really revised as much as I would have liked to by this point. It should go pretty well though, I am confident about how much I know on Othello and Sylvia Plath’s poems (which are the two choices for the oral).

I’m a little bit ill, in other news; have had a nasty cough since last weekend. Which was AMAZING. Seriously, these past two weekends have been bloody fantastic. The Second Years came down for the 24th-25th which was great. I went to the cottage with them, smoked up a bit, stayed fairly drunk for the night, and had a 3 hour nap from 4-7AM which was my only sleep. But my word, what a fabulous weekend. And then the whole week leading up to the beginning of December was also pretty chilled – I’ve started talking to the Boy again. Not that I ever stopped, but it’s not so awkward and disjointed (which for a little while it was). We’re still a little bit distant but I think that will relax with time.

Although I didn’t really help things this weekend just passed – which was also AWESOME. Friday night was a bit of a let down because I was supposed to be DJing at SOSH but it got cancelled, due to unforeseen circumstances which meant that the amp was busted. But Saturday night… oh, Saturday night… what a fabulous time. Went from a dorm party which included drunken twister and Battleshots, to the pub, back to Glo-SOSH and then on to GWOSH which lasted until about 2:30AM and included a topless segment. But yes, going back to what I was saying earlier; didn’t really help the friendship-bridge between me and the Boy. Was quite drunk.

Lots of dancing. So much dancing. And nothing happened between us. but it was fairly close. I don’t know. I’m quite looking forward to Christmas break just so I can get over everything and go and get a job, work, work, work, concentrate on writing perhaps and also do my… Maths Project? Lord. What has my life come to. If I’d done A-levels this wouldn’t be a problem.