The Symbolist Movement

This is what my Saturday nights have become; sitting at my desk at 10:30PM, trying to finalise a presentation that I have to do with my drama group this coming Monday. Today has been a strange day, I got a little high with Lyssie, her Boyff and his friend that I’d happily like to call Irritator. It was such an awkward experience, being in the middle of Lyssie and her Boyff’s occasional bicker, and then the next minute they’d be really happy again. But the worst stuff came from the Irritator, who would only talk to Boyff – unless he was making a joke at Lyssie’s expense, often repeating the same one about how he was going to “come round” to Lyssie’s studio when she and Boyff were going to do something – like have dinner, go to a nice lunch, or go to the museum.

The transcript – powerphrased – of the conversation that I finally snapped during is as follows:
Boyff: (talking about the museum) We can go there tomorrow, if you like.
Lyssie: Yeah, that would be nice.
Irritator: Sounds good, what time do you want me over, Lyssie? About 10, so you can make us breakfast?

Now, seeing as this was at least the fourth time he’d used that joke, I was not having it anymore.
Me: That’s a really funny joke, you know. (pause) I mean, it just gets better every time you use it.

Note that there may have been a hint of anger or loathing in my voice as I said it.
Irritator’s reaction was to say no one had ever called him out on reusing a phrase before, and he was speechless.
An awkward silence followed, I thought I might have taken it too far.
After all, I’d only just met him and the Boyff.

Oh well. I’m hoping that things are looking up, and think that really I should start being a bit more religious (Wiccan wise). I need to start celebrating the Sabbats, appreciating nature and talking to the God/Goddess. On Monday night after Arena, I did have a half-hour drunken prayer to them, and I feel like they heard. Or at least they’re pushing me in the right direction now – I’ve got an interview to work in the Impy on the 17th of February(fingers crossed!), I am going to do more exercise starting Monday (definitely, this time. After Zumba I know that the benefits out way the procrastination), I’ve been up to date and doing well with work, almost finished the Exeter Award… On the boy front, I don’t want to jinx anything so I’ll keep quiet. There’s not much there now, and I don’t know if there will be.

It’s okay though, I’m happy.

-Chuck Palahniuk

“The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it’s only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think, the way they see themselves, the way they see the world, you can change the way people live their lives. That’s the only lasting thing you can create.”

80th Post!

It seems kind of a miracle that I’ve managed to get to 80 posts on here, given how I am terrible generally with any form of diary or blog. However I really could be doing a lot more posts than that, seeing as I’ve had this blog for over two years now. It strikes me as odd, amusing, and fairly pleasing that in all that time this blog has never become ‘public’, in a sense. Maybe 5 people tops actually know about it, and that’s how it was always supposed to be, I guess. It’s not like it’s something I hide, it’s just that I don’t think I’ve ever been the person who’s life was interesting enough to be read by the masses – I wouldn’t want it to be anyways. Tumblr fame, Twitter fame, Blog fame – what exactly is it? Does it really mean anything? I never thought so; I mean occasionally I craved it in the past, on Tumblr or the Writer’s Cafe, but those bursts of passion quickly passed. I know that if I ever make a name for myself, through writing or whatever else it might be, it will be physical rather than over the internet.

I know I’ll make a name for myself, it’s going to happen. I’m absolutely determined to.

In other news, I went to Zumba today, which was the first hour of physical exercise that I’ve done in a long time. I keep making these empty promises to myself that I’m going to ‘change my ways’, but it is always much more difficult than it seems. I talked to the Vampire (first met Halloween 2013, hence the name) in Arena, and told him that I didn’t want a relationship – not that I wasn’t interested in him, but that I wanted no long term ties. It’s made me wonder whether that was a good idea; I enjoy hooking up with him, but in the same way that I would enjoy hooking up with any man. The only difference is I know who he is and think of him as a friend, which makes it… safer, in a way? I don’t have to worry, or get fluttery panicked feelings.

I’ve realised one thing though, and that’s the fact that I am totally ready for a relationship. I mean I’ve had two near-misses at Uni (The Bed Invader & The Vampire), neither of which really amounted to much. I liked them both for a time, but it wasn’t the same deep emotion that I felt for the Boy last year. I mean for so long I was hung up over the Boy, and now I feel kinda empty. I wish, in a way, that I had never fallen for him. Back then, I was just getting back into the swing of enjoying who I am, and he smashed that. That swing is what I’m still looking for, and it’s making meeting guys a real challenge. Then again, Uni isn’t all it’s cracked up to be at all.

It’s not as bad as the many months after we first moved to the UK, but after AC I am definitely struggling to make my way forwards here. I mean, it’s February. I’ve been here just starting 6 months… then again, 6 weeks at AC is considered around about 6 months in the outside world…