Home-Wrecking & Prom

My, my. This has been one hell of a weekend, truth be told. Did not expect anything to happen that did, and there’s thoughts going through my head that I should probably write down because I just need to be able to understand them.

First off – I did it again. I hooked up with the Boy whilst he’s ‘with’ someone else. God, such a home wrecker. I should really stop. However, it was different this time. To a certain extent.

You see, the thing is, I’m really not emotionally attached to it. To the Boy, or what happened. I don’t expect anything from him and I don’t want to be in some kind of ‘relationship’ with him because we are much better off as friends (even if that might be with benefits). I care about him a lot, I do, but I also sometimes feel like a big sister that needs to watch over him and make sure he doesn’t do stupid things.

Which, considering everything, is pretty funny because I’m the one that makes him do stupid things.

We had a really lovely, long chat; the kiss was wavering for a while and we’d both hesitate with our lips millimetres apart and then eventually pull away. Except for the one time where we didn’t and I asked “Are you sure about this?” His answer: “No.” But we went ahead anyways and I openly say that I would do it again. I just hope he doesn’t go weird with me…

Last night was ‘Senior Prom’ which Hager and I thought would be awesome. It was a pretty good evening until we got back to the house from Sosh – we were drinking wine all night and I had warned Hager that wine only makes you:

• Sleepy
• Emotional
• Weird
• Slow

He didn’t listen to me, but sure enough, that was what happened. We were all emotional, eventually I passed out because I was so sleepy, felt weird and couldn’t see – and I question how on earth I got so drunk. Honestly, I thought I had a better tolerance than that. But anyways, then Hager broke up with 1997 and Mari hooked up with people, I didn’t get with anyone but managed to find myself cwtched up with the Boy in his bed for a time… God it was madness, pure madness.

Which is why I’m so looking forward to next weekend: the Awesome Foursome go to Henberllan. Also known as Operation Osama. It should be good fun, I’m excited. Just gotta get through this week first and make sure everything stays sane…

Friendships; a Concept.

I don’t know what it is about them that I don’t particularly understand. I mean I know that you have a good friendship with a person when you get on with them well, and obviously in society there are going to be different ‘groups’ of friendships, but what strikes me as odd is the different ways in which we perceive and appreciate the different members of our friendships.

Mine, for instance:
Within all the friendships I have, I have never once requested the other person’s love. It’s probably because I just assume that I have it – but that’s not necessarily reciprocated. Sometimes, I’ve noticed, that the other person wants to have some physical sign that they are wanted and needed. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. I have a very sisterly relationship with Fam, and sibling relationship with Hager, but then with Mari (and maybe it’s because she’s Latina) there is this need for her to bombard me with ‘love and affection’, whereas I never give her any except in very real circumstances.

Then there’s GLIPS – of which I did not necessarily mean to get my ‘S’ stuck on the end – who seem much more together with each other, and I happen to be the electron spinning around the nucleus. I have a love-hate relationship with the fact that I’m just the electron.

I guess what it all boils down to, in the end, is our personalities. Mine seems like a set of walking contradictions, based on pride, modesty and a potentially cold-hearted nature that I think is part British heritage and my own defence mechanisms. I’m guessing it also has to do with all of these complexes I have, which I still need to look into in greater depth.

This is going to sound awfully cheesy, but I really think it’s time I started to understand myself. Really understand myself, rather than just pretending to know what’s going on inside my head.

It's a New Development In My Life

Song currently playing: Love Walked In, by Thunder. Good song.

I’m sitting in the library where I have been for about an hour and a half now, and haven’t done a smidgen of the work I was supposed to do. This RI is due on Monday but nope, not even the introduction is done – and I doubt I’m going to get very much of it done tomorrow either, considering the fact that I have the Food Festival so that will take up most of the afternoon.

On the other hand, I’m talking to Kirby, who I haven’t spoken to properly for a few years – and I finished writing another chapter of Recto Verso so that’s all good.

In other news, I’m confused about why the Boy manages to occupy my thoughts so regularly if I don’t particularly like him ‘that way’ anymore. Hager asked me a weird question last weekend, which entailed wondering if I would have a physical relationship with the Boy – thinking about it, I don’t think I would mind, but I am just letting things roll at the moment. I think that even though I might want that, at the same time part of me is very driven towards some kind of relationship (obviously not with the Boy, just in general). I was thinking about it today, and I don’t know whether it’s ‘a guy who’s mine’ that I want, or I am just in love with the idea of love. It’s difficult to tell.

That’s about it at the moment.

A Long Time Later

I have not posted on here in over two weeks, and it’s been absolutely mental.

• House drama, anger, frustration, tears. That hateful state of unknowing, and having people not tell you stuff.
• Double gatings, abandonment, people leaving (and coming back) and having a “dysfunctional community”
• French coursework – don’t know if it was good enough
• Given in both pieces of English coursework
• French interactive oral today
• University interview at Exeter last week… interesting. It was for drama, I kinda felt a little out of place.
• Realised that I don’t know how I feel about uni. Especially considering my love/hate relationship for other Brits. I think it stems from Crick High.
• Sober weekends, having a spliff, strobe-light sosh.
• I gave in the IPP!
• Not doing anything for the Research Investigation
• Struggling with the Maths Project

I think that’s most of it? Also the fact that it’s only Exeter I’m waiting on in terms of uni applications. UEA, Nottingham and York all want me. Bristol declined, but who cares about Bristol?

I haven’t seen any of my friends for a long time, it feels, and I think it’s just because I’ve been busy. I still haven’t sent Canada’s letter, and I need to post a photocopy of my photographic ID to Pheonix… I guess I should do that today at some point. It’s plausible, there isn’t anything special that I have to do today. Just a lot of ‘work’.

The Food Festival is this Sunday. I hope it goes well; I’m going to speak to N.Lush about funding because some people wanted to be reimbursed, which is fine with me but it just depends on whether or not N.Lush is willing to give us any money… There are a few people who’ve said that they will cook and stuff, but I don’t really know the numbers and I don’t know whether there will be enough food for everyone who comes to eat it. I also don’t know how many people will come to eat. But probably more than the food we have. Fingers crossed, just plough forwards. Everything should go well…

I’ll just cook a giant pot of something on the off chance, so that we have enough food.

I need to start going back to Whitaker, I miss the people over there. But at the same time I just can’t be bothered, the effort it takes to go places is insane. But I should. Right? There’s two parts of my thinking: the first is that I should go and be sociable and meet people while it’s still a possibility, and rekindle the friendships that have faded that I had last year. On the other hand, the second part of my thinking asks why should I try? It’s like J-Dawg said: surely it’s better to have a smaller group of friends that actually care about you? After all, I think about Singapore and all the people I thought I was friends with there, and now I hardly talk to any of them. Even my best friends, like Laney and Em, I hardly speak to anymore just because we’re not in the same place.

What’s the conclusion to all this, though? Life is one crazy ride.