Medium, Channelling.

The stage is set, the lights go dim,
the shining of the light gestures down the tunnel
where I can see the other side – at least,
they want me too. Closing eyes like
shutting doors, outstretched tree limbs are
crooked hands; tuning white noise,
the conflict is internalised. Until
I hear voices whispering, sounds
quieter than accidental coughs. The arctic wind
blows over my skin, but gypsy skirts were
never good in the cold.
The voices tiptoe forwards like a
trickling stream of consciousness, so the doors
slam open, eyes wide and searching.
We thaw winter frost
when I don’t want to hear anymore.

Face Blockage

I’m ill again. I don’t know why I say ‘again’ because I reckon I haven’t been ill for a long time, but somehow it always feels like, when you’re ill, the last time you got sick was literally only a couple of weeks ago. You don’t understand why your body can’t fight off these poisons; for some reason, too, you forget the feeling of being well – of being healthy, without the sickness. You forget what it’s like to be able to breathe through your nose, and what it feels like when you don’t have to cough, or your neck/throat/head/eyes/nose doesn’t hurt.

Weird, that.

As is probably easy to tell, I’m fairly wide awake. If I go to sleep now it will probably be the earliest I’ve ever gone to sleep at university. The thing is, I’m finding it hard getting to sleep. It’s not insomnia, I often feel tired, but I don’t like the process of falling asleep anymore. I have no idea why it is – I think it’s because I’ve somehow trained myself to notice when I am on the verge of unconsciousness. The phrase really is to ‘fall asleep’ but I wonder how many people realise that’s actually true – you do fall into sleep, into unconsciousness, like you’re stepping over an edge. I think that’s what gets me about falling asleep – I’m aware that I’m slipping over the edge and for some reason I can’t let go. I think it makes my mind/body panic, which is why I get the fluttery feelings.

But anyways, that’s not what I was trying to write about. This week has been a whole shenanigan, and I think I’ve learnt a lot about myself in a way. Saturday Night Lemmy was a complete and utter disaster, but at the same time I had a lot of fun. It taught me that a certain Bed Intruder (from long ago, one time) is not welcome in my life. I mean hey, I might be living with him next year (oops) but there’s months to go until then, and I really don’t need him to be happy. I have plenty of friends, and a silly, immature little man cannot change that. I don’t even know why I let him intrude into my bed, all that long while ago. (and his flatmate is hotter than him). 

I wrote a poem for my Creative Writing class, but I didn’t even get to read it. I’m beginning to question my own ability to write poems, I have no way of knowing if they’re any good because all poets are so different. There’s no One style, not like with prose where you actually have to have paragraphs, grammar and all that. You can tell if a story is good because it moves you, but how are you ever supposed to know with a poem? It’s such a fickle art. Also, Creative Writing is turning into another English class where we just look at poet’s work and analyse them. I mean I guess it makes sense in a way because we talk about language and stuff, but I’m going to have to give it a few more weeks before I’m sure I’m enjoying it.

12:14

I haven’t written a post in a very long time, and I’m ashamed of it. The end of 2013 was a wild time that must be discussed in great detail:

• the Vampire
• a House on Pennsylvania
• turning 19
• Disney world/Universal Studios Florida

Those four things are but to name a few, and I believe there probably are more – it’s just that I can’t think of them right now. But I will explain everything and make this blog up-to-date with all of the shenanigans that 2014 has already brought me. My New Year’s Resolutions actually seem to be working this year, but it’s early days so we’ll see how they go. Then again, I’m pretty determined for everything to go the way I planned. I might just have to make a To-Do list to remember all those plans…

But for now, it’s bed time.