Loss & Gain

Well, it’s been some time. I had a get-together with the Drama Crew, Crazie, Rainbow Hair, and some of Bing’s friends. They all came over to our place and we had a BBQ before playing Hide and Seek in the Dark and Honeycomb. I love that game, it’s fantastic. I’m going to play it with so many people. Also saw Ms. Morgan on Monday, we went to Hay in my car – which was an experience in itself. But people tend to think that I’m a good driver, which is nice to know.

That’s not really what this post is about though. This post is more about the fact that even though most of the time I ignore and refuse to admit it, I’m not happy with the weight that I am. This morning I found I’d even gained some, and what’s that about? I thought that after leaving AC I would eventually start to lose, because I wasn’t eating crap food anymore.

I don’t really know what to do about it; it’s the only thing that properly stresses me out and I don’t know how to change. I mean sure, I could stop eating (thereabouts) and exercise a shed load, but that’s not fun. I need to be able to enjoy myself, not punish myself as I try to shed the extra pounds. But it seems that it’s the only way to do it, which really makes me sad.

That’s the problem with my attitude, I think. I don’t get stressed or nervous, particularly, and I ‘have no sense of urgency’. I’m happy just to trundle along and see what life brings – but that’s the point. I therefore have no motivation to do much. I’m passionate about things, sure, but I have no motivation when I don’t want something desperately. It seems that subconsciously I don’t want to change my weight because I don’t have the motivation to do it, even though I don’t like what I see every time I look in the mirror. I guess I know that things aren’t going to change by the next morning, and that keeps me from sticking with ‘healthy eating’ or whatever you want to call it.

I waver too much, and it’s beginning to show. Even writing this post is making me upset.

It is time for a change. Urgh, even when I write that my body refuses the idea. I need to lose some weight, I need a bit of shape. If I’m not happy with the way I look, how could others be? How can I truly enjoy what I’m doing if half the time I’m worried about how I look, or whether or not someone will notice?

Maybe 6AM runs isn’t the way forward. But I have to do something.