Pear Shaped

And so here we are, it’s Tuesday. The Boy broke it off with me on Saturday night, which was utterly devastating and secretly relieving in a weird way. Did I feel like it was coming? Possibly so, possibly, I should have seen it. He’d been wrapped up in his own stuff all week and when he told me that he couldn’t do ‘this’ anymore because he had to be by himself for a while, it was completely understandable. God damn infuriating, but completely logical and I don’t blame him or anything. I get it, I get where he’s coming from and I know he needs his space, and so we have gone our separate ways.

But I did drink an 8-unit bottle of wine and then about 3/4ths of another  by myself in about an hour, proceeded to get so drunk I couldn’t see and have gaps in my memory, cry a lot, kiss someone, dance with many people, and then pass out in my bed before midnight. It was a pretty quiet evening, considering I’d just been broken up with by a guy I really like. I could have hooked up with several people, of that i am sure (and not being arrogant – they were all piss drunk as well) but I didn’t. I think I floated away from most of them, but was seriously insulted by the Boy’s best friend, whom I danced with and then specifically remember that he bit me on the neck. Who would do that to their best friend? I still don’t know about that Guatemalan.

Been mood-swingy for a while, but I’m getting the hang of it. Trying to stay positive, you know, all that crap. Got too much stuff to be worrying about without this ‘break-up’ business. Plus, me and the Boy are going to remain friends. I mean it’s going to be hard for a while, but with time I’m hoping that we’ll become good mates again. I talked to him and Hager for an hour last night, which was nice. We get on too easily to be awkward with each other; yes, it’s not going to be the same, but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe this way we’ll have a real, proper friendship… and I won’t think about it turning into anything else, even though emotionally I’m already there. Or think I’m there. I’m probably not.

Got a lot of work to do – Also my wonderful second years are going to be here tomorrow – AII EEEEEEE, I’m so EXCITED. It’s going to be great, getting away from these people, just having a break with old friends for a couple of days. I’ll come back refreshed, and things will be good again. I’ll finish all my work and become a social butterfly, the way I want to. I’ll talk to Mum, get Mads present sorted out, and then I’ll just work out what to do over Christmas because at the moment it seems like it’s going to be a fairly boring four weeks, and I don’t want that at all. But maybe just working and concentrating on family will be a good thing. Lord, though, four weeks is a long time to be away from AC. I don’t want to be away from here for such a long time when I’ve got so little time left here.

Anyways. Going to call Mother now, talk to her about buying things off the internet. Then I have my personal statement to write. So. Wish me luck.

And maybe a smidgen of happiness.

No.

Nope, I refuse.
Decided to read over my previous posts and I think that recently I have begun to sound like an utter twat. Come on, what the hell is wrong with you? Getting all gushy and confused – it’s just not right. The whole point of this year – the whole point of getting rid of all your hair, finding a new style, getting fit, being happy, releasing yourself from this rutt – it was all for you.
NOT for some one else; he cares about you, it’s obvious, but by God you’re making it strained. Stop being so all over the place and just talk to him as a friend. The same way you used to do before ‘everything changed’. NOTHING CHANGED. Or if it did, it was all in your head.
Yes, the dynamics might be different but surely it’s better to revert back to a time where it wasn’t so strange between you? Look at the way any Latino, any female friend of his acts – you’re setting yourself apart and it’s not making it any better. If you see him, see him, if you don’t – then DON’T.

This year is about you, about enjoying the last fucking 6 months you have in the most wonderful place you’ve ever lived, surrounded by friends that you never see anymore but really should. What ever happened to getting to know other first years? Or going out in the evenings with your friends? Stop revolving your life around him; it’s not important in the grand scheme of things. He will find you, it will work, but when you pressure it nothing good can come out of that – we know this, we’ve been there before. Let things happen naturally, the way they started out.

Don’t fuck this up like every other time you have done.

I Think It's Just That

• here, a week seems an awfully long time
• I’m too aware of his presence
• I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill
• I need to calm down, chill out, revert back to what was
• there is so much to do
• gold fish in the wild are brown
• I need some chocolate
• I need to find that satisfaction, that happiness I grabbed for that little while but lost again.
• I’m tired

A Month 'til My Birthday

I am a deranged mess, I swear. Right now there is something seriously wrong with me, and I am very tempted to blame everything on the Boy. I mean -come on- what I am supposed to do? Everything’s such a mess. I haven’t spoken to him properly for two days, it’s all I want to do, and then when I see him I just get all tongue tied. My mind is literally like “Go talk to him, that’s it, say words AHAH NOPE, I’M BLANK”.

The only way I can describe it is with this meme, which is me talking to myself saying: 

It’s so utterly frustrating. So here we go, making a plan to stop being a little whiny bitch. GO AND GET HIM. The Boy isn’t going to make the first move, and things are going to become more and more awkward, strange, whatever. You like him, yes? Go. And. Find. Him. Don’t just sit around waiting for him to find you. As the Bald Austrian would say: Pounce. If it goes wrong, fine, that’s the end of it – but don’t fear rejection just because you think it might happen. Show how you really feel (what a cheesy statement, but true in this case). There is no harm in that. Eventually he’ll understand, pick it up, and then it won’t be you doing all the work.

Exhausted rambling leads me to this conclusion – I’m just being a little bit of a sissy.

There is enough crap going on without having to deal with this on top of it – the IPP for example, which is still not finished.

Well; I’m actually feeling a lot better after ranting to myself. I always knew that calling myself obscure and vulgar names would help, why haven’t i done it sooner? I realise that at this point in time I won’t be able to see him, oh – but I will. I will return from climbing, find him, chat, cwtch, and be generally all happy. Then I will continue to do this in public (tomorrow, or eventually), we will get to a stage where we actually talk about Feels, and perhaps I will enter into a relationshop with this guy and we will not just be ‘relations’ but friends. And will be able to hang out with each other whenever we want, without any kind of awkwardness.

Awkwardness really is the bane of my life. Today, it will die.

Races

The time is ticking down, you see,
we race against the clock,
and all we seem to do right now
is go backwards-
I’m scared we’ll even stop.
You’ve done this to me,
it’s your fault,
but I still blame myself;
I told myself not to have a heart,
I lied, I think, I guess.
Enough with the constant questioning,
what do I know I want?
It’s simple: You,
and all your thoughts and parts.
It’s difficult, but this time,
I think it will all work,
it just depends on what you feel -
so here’s my offer:
Take it.

Daenerys Targaryen

And the world fell down,

around her feet,

til there was naught

but rocks and flames.

The harsh sulphur burned her cheeks,

the smoke was in her hair,

and all around her the ashes flew,

upon the dancing air.

Yet she walked with her feet bare,

and defiance in her eyes,

as the clouds grew bold and dark,

and terrorised the skies.

Why Do You Do What You Do To Me?

Well then. It’s been a week since I’ve been back at AC and honestly I think I was just too busy even to write a short post up here. It’s been absolutely insane, I am totally shattered and all I ever want to do is go to sleep. There is so much work I have to do (and once I finish writing this then I’ll get down to that, but I figured it was time for an update).

Guess what? Going to the salon on Thursday, with Cardiff Girl and potentially another person. Oh, and Mari is going to come too and watch me and laugh. But I think it’s totally worth it. The Boy and I are a ‘thing’, people know about us, we’re exclusive, and there is no awkwardness between me and ‘Sheila’, which I’m happy about. Although I think she’s still under the impression that this friday (the 9th) was the first time that we hooked up. Which it was and it wasn’t? I mean it was the first time we did anything ‘more’ than kiss and I stayed in his room that night, but we did just fall asleep after a while. Just because I think we’re as shattered as each other, what with not going to bed until 1AM consecutively since we’ve been back.

It’s not good, but at the same time I don’t want it any other way. Well, I do. I wouldn’t mind if we actually saw each other during the day and if there wasn’t the slight awkwardness between us, but I’m hoping that will disappear with time. I can’t help feeling maybe we should have been better friends before anything happened, but there’s not much I can do about it now. He’s still the same person, it’s not as if he’s ‘changed’ – I just hope I haven’t, and if I have I’m going to make a conscious effort to revert back to the ‘old’ me that clicked with him; back when we were friends.

I think I’m just seriously over analysing these things because I really really want this to work out. God, I don’t know what happened to me. Everything was so peaceful this time last month… But I am beginning to understand what I have to do. Just be normal, just be myself, don’t over think anything. Let him go crazy with wondering what is going on and just enjoy it without getting all obsessed. Which sounds awkward, ‘getting obsessed’, but it seems to be what I used to do. Ha. Not this time, bitches.

In other news, everything is going well. Watto came down to see me at school and that was good, I think she enjoyed it. Friday night was a lot of fun but there were too many false rumours floating around about me – about how I hooked up with Raina, Hager and the Boy – and had an orgy in my room with them and Mari, and then had sex with the Boy in the day room. I mean, really. Where do people get this stuff from?

UHR. Also, there is much work to be done. French oral and TOK presentation on Wednesday but I’m beginning to know where I’m going with the TOK now, and I think I can get that all done. The only thing I’m really worried about is the IPP and there is a draft that’s supposed to be going in on Friday at 2PM and I haven’t even started the workshops yet – so I think I’m just going to have to make those up. Then there’s Halloween Sosh on Friday which should be fairly interesting (seeing as I have to dress up as a French Maid). I’m just hoping that amongst all of the things going on, I’m going to be able to actually get some sleep. And maybe go to the gym once or twice, that would be good.

Anyways. This post has been severely long. I’m out.