Blurry Texts

I have been quite annoyed with Ry recently, but not because of him. His mum seems to be controlling his life; it's meant that I will only be able to see him once this summer, and that time has already passed. His mum has prevented me from going to a family holiday with his family, stating that I might "change the dynamic of the holiday" (which was bullshit, everyone was questioning why I wasn't there. She apologised for that). She then stopped Ry from coming on The Road Trip, because she wanted him to "get a job"; I said that it was too late for him to get a summer job, but Ry didn't fight hard enough and so didn't come on the Trip. Two days into said Trip, his mum goes into his room and simply says "I think it's too late for you to get a summer job" before slipping off to bed... this, I found infuriating. Lastly, she 'forgot' to mention that she'd told Ry's sister not to pay him for the work he did in his sister's garden. I mean, this isn't even a big thing, but it's just a pile-up of crap that she keeps laying on him that Ry just takes. It frustrates me a lot, maybe I'm in the wrong for that, but I've been trying not to let it bother me now. It just upsets him when I get upset about it, because he already feels trapped by his mum. For me to yell and nag him too just means he can't win anywhere. So we let go, we ignore that, and when we go to Squared's house, we get drunk and look at the stars. Our texts to a sleeping Ry read thus:

• The stars are crazy amazing tonight, we still need to see them together.
• I miss you a lot.
• This weird state of semi sober always makes me feel strange and reminisce about stuff I probably shouldn't think about. It makes my heart strange and my head melancholy.
• I am not at peace here.
• I'm not content most times.
• If I look up at the stars sometimes the sky is wide enough, if I squint, that's all I see. It makes me feel small but also better about things.
• I want a cuddle.
• I'm writing too many texts but I don't really mind, this is my rarely seen thought process. If I wasn't writing this down it would never come out of my head. 
• Which, by the way, I think there is something wrong with. My mind, I mean. I think I'm pretty messed up head wise. I wish I could do more things. I'm really scared about a lot, but I don't want people to know I am. Not even you.
• I think I know more things about you than you know about me. I know your head better than you know mine, but that's because I ask you more. You don't seem to mind, but I need to know things. So I ask, and you tell. And I don't tell, I keep secret. You don't ask as much as I do.
• I love you a lot though, it's not a fault.
• I think my brain is a very difficult one to pick - but maybe this is wrong. Maybe I only think I'm interesting when really I'm not? That's probably more likely, I'm probably just normal.

Growing Pains

Much has passed since the last time that I wrote on here, which is not really any excuse for my lack of communication and explanation. After returning from the Scattering, there wasn't much to do at home for the week; the weekend picked up, however, because I was working in Number 18. It was just quite nice being back at some kind of work, keeping busy all day and having people to talk to that aren't the family (not that I don't also appreciate them).

Next was: The Road Trip. Which was myself and a couple of Ry's friends (without Ry, which I will explain) going up to North Wales. We camped out in Snowdonia, and it was one of the worst nights of my life. Cold, splattering rain that came at us from a 90 degree angle because the wind was so strong. Tents battered by gale forces. I slept in a tent with Madrid and her boyfriend, Ry's best friend, Lank. It was a very long night; the next morning, we went for a walk. Also in horrendous weather, so I was soaked through by the end of it, but still stunningly beautiful. At first I really didn't want to go, but we seemed to follow a Yellow Brick Road of sorts and I'm actually really glad I went. After the walk, we headed down to my house and stayed here for two days. That meant more walks, lots of drinks, a game or two of articulate and a meal in the pub - good fun, I was glad to have them, but I also couldn't stop myself constantly wishing that Ry had been there too.

They left on a Thursday morning, continuing the Road Trip down to London, but I stayed home because that was the day Dad arrived. We spent three days with him pottering around the house, cleaning up and such because someone will eventually be coming round to take photos of the place (we're selling it, part of The Divorce, not something necessary to go into). After that: France! France was good fun, we arrived back two days ago. Nanny J came with us (Dad, Bing, Smily and myself) and drank too much wine which annoyed Father, and there were a few tense moments and arguments that we knew were always on the cards. On the other hand, there were also a lot of laughs. It was nice to get away from everything for a couple of days; I got a tan, I bought a hat, went swimming with Bing. That's one good thing about The Divorce - it has definitely brought us kids closer together.

Two days ago, we got back to the UK. Last night I went to Squared's (my namesake) boyfriend's birthday party. That was good fun, even though I didn't know anyone apart from the two hosts. I also didn't really try very hard to get to know anyone, but that's probably because everyone was stoned and drunk, or had something to do with the idea that I'll never meet them again. Or that it will be a long time before I next do meet any of them. But still, lots of fun. I learnt a new drinking game - Cheers to the Governor! - and had a good dance, before making a floor-nest-bed with Squared to sleep on. Woke up this morning feeling a little worse for wear, but I've got some chill days now.