Working, All The Time.

It’s true, that’s all I seem to do anymore. I’ve got two weeks on Sunday until I go back to school – wait, back to school? I mean Uni. God,I’m going to university… am I really old enough? Mature enough? Smart enough to actually do everything they want of me?

I just want to write, and hopefully that’s what I’m going to be able to do there. Write and act, but even still for the next three years I’ll be under scrutiny. But it’s after Uni that I really don’t want to think about; the big, bad, wide world that I’ll have to delve in to, and get a job. Be an adult. Yuck, the thought is repulsing. I definitely have Peter Pan Syndrome, without being an annoying hipster. But it’s true, I feel like I’m the only 18 year old who has ever wanted to back track, who has always known they didn’t want to grow up. Everyone else has always seemed to move forward; to be ready for adulthood and all that it brings.

I guess at the same time, though, when I think of those people – I’m thinking of the Singapore crew; and they’ve got it easy right now, what with their parents’ money and safety. They don’t actually know real life, and I question if some of them will ever learn what it is like just because of the fact that the rest of their families still live in Singapore. I mean Dad does still live and work there, but he’s constantly going on about how we’re “skint”. I know we’re not skint, and I know there’s a reason they’re going to be able to pay for my Uni fees.

But what about after that? I don’t count myself in the Singapore crew who don’t know about real life. I’m not dressing up fancy, taking pictures of my food, going clubbing all the time. Urgh, the idea of clubbing isn’t even something that appeals to me. Take Freshers for instance: there is an event – nightlife party of some description – Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. The first day I arrive (Sunday the 15th), the nightlife events kick off ‘with a bang’, I am assuming. But to be honest, I doubt that I’ll be joining in all the festivities. Potentially the Friday one, because it’s a Foam Party and I’ve never been to one, but the rest of the time I’m perfectly contented to actually make my room nice and tidy, have some dinner, organise myself and make sure I know what I’m actually doing for the rest of the year.

I’ve lived away from home for two years already. The thought of being away from home is not something that excites me. It makes me kinda sad, actually. That ‘freedom’ everyone talks about is so over rated, and I’m just going to miss out on Bing and Smiley growing up. I still have the holidays though, that’s for sure – and they are wonderfully long.

Splurge

I promised I’d write a post about the Green Man festival – I went to that this time last week. Where does the time go? I’m not even sure anymore, but I really have to get my act together when it comes to writing. Generally, even. Writing here, writing my stories, poems, theSkinny Bitchin’ journal… I haven’t done any of it. I think I just get too tired, what with work and continuously taking the dogs out, organising the house, cooking, trying to clean, trying to keep everything generally running.

It’s almost exhausting, just living. But now I’ve got to deal with organising stuff for Uni – got my accommodation; not too pleased with what I’ve been offered… a studio room opposite the train station? I didn’t even apply for that! I didn’t even contemplate it when thinking about halls! So I’ve been looking at alternative stuff, rooms nearer the middle of Exeter, but I don’t know what I’m going to do about it. I think the more likely thing is that I’m just going to go with the studio room, but I shall have to mull it over. At least until the 30th, because that’s the accommodation deadline.

Mantra, News, Love, Thoughts, Greenman

News: Today, Finchy finally reactivated his Facebook. Guess he’s had a female friend since April? Before hand? Somehow it made my heart twist, but I haven’t seen him in two years. I wish every happiness to him – it was only to be expected. After all, it’s not like I haven’t had things going on, and we don’t owe each other anything. Guess I shouldn’t really be thinking about it, was just surprising really.

Green Man: is the music festival I will be going to this weekend with the family (bar Mum). I’m looking forward to it, and reckon it’s going to be really good fun. I will write an entire post on it upon returning, and that’s a promise.

Love & Thoughts: Not exactly ‘love’, perchance, but on Sunday I bought three books: Skinny Bitch, Skinny Bitch in the Kitch and Skinny Bitchin’ - they’re all about changing lifestyles; one’s a recipe book, one’s a food book and the other is a self help guide, if you will. Though they preach veganism and I don’t really agree with that, Skinny Bitch - the only one I’ve read so far – makes a lot of good points. I tried Soya milk today because of it, and didn’t mind the taste.

It has lead me to my Mantra: (words, kind to myself, which I want and will say every day)

• I am happy
• I am healthy
• I am beautiful
• I am losing weight
• I love myself
• I am me, and wouldn’t change it.

The Mantra varies from whenever I say it, but the main thing still stands. I need to stop being so negative.

Loss & Gain

Well, it’s been some time. I had a get-together with the Drama Crew, Crazie, Rainbow Hair, and some of Bing’s friends. They all came over to our place and we had a BBQ before playing Hide and Seek in the Dark and Honeycomb. I love that game, it’s fantastic. I’m going to play it with so many people. Also saw Ms. Morgan on Monday, we went to Hay in my car – which was an experience in itself. But people tend to think that I’m a good driver, which is nice to know.

That’s not really what this post is about though. This post is more about the fact that even though most of the time I ignore and refuse to admit it, I’m not happy with the weight that I am. This morning I found I’d even gained some, and what’s that about? I thought that after leaving AC I would eventually start to lose, because I wasn’t eating crap food anymore.

I don’t really know what to do about it; it’s the only thing that properly stresses me out and I don’t know how to change. I mean sure, I could stop eating (thereabouts) and exercise a shed load, but that’s not fun. I need to be able to enjoy myself, not punish myself as I try to shed the extra pounds. But it seems that it’s the only way to do it, which really makes me sad.

That’s the problem with my attitude, I think. I don’t get stressed or nervous, particularly, and I ‘have no sense of urgency’. I’m happy just to trundle along and see what life brings – but that’s the point. I therefore have no motivation to do much. I’m passionate about things, sure, but I have no motivation when I don’t want something desperately. It seems that subconsciously I don’t want to change my weight because I don’t have the motivation to do it, even though I don’t like what I see every time I look in the mirror. I guess I know that things aren’t going to change by the next morning, and that keeps me from sticking with ‘healthy eating’ or whatever you want to call it.

I waver too much, and it’s beginning to show. Even writing this post is making me upset.

It is time for a change. Urgh, even when I write that my body refuses the idea. I need to lose some weight, I need a bit of shape. If I’m not happy with the way I look, how could others be? How can I truly enjoy what I’m doing if half the time I’m worried about how I look, or whether or not someone will notice?

Maybe 6AM runs isn’t the way forward. But I have to do something.