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Christmas Time

Well, that certainly was a longer time than previously expected. I guess it was just because there was so much going on, for a long time I even forgot that I had a blog: honestly, there was way, way too much going on for me to even have ten minutes to sit down and write anything on here. 

TDITR has been a success on all accounts as far as I am concerned, though, because I have had a place to come and express myself if I've needed to, and I can look back over these posts and know what was going on specifically on a date. I know I'm not as good as I used to be, but I am definitely trying. I think that's going to be one of my 2016 New Year's Resolutions - I'll have to have a look at what were my 2015 resolutions too, and see if I actually did any of the things I said that I would do. 

So, what has happened in the past two months?

November was pretty average, just working, working, working on Witches. Was with Ry a lot, had USA-flatmate's (and Smiley's) birthday and wore a jumpsuit that showed me off in all the right places - according to everyone else. I did feel pretty in it, but at the same time when I look at myself in pictures, I don't see who I think I am. Does that make sense? The 'self' I see photographed or filmed does not depict with my head's-version of me. 

But anyway: 

November passed in a blur.

Witches was from the 2nd-4th of December, so the weekend before that we were in Kay from about 10AM - 10 PM both days, working on getting all the lights fixed. There was a crazy mix up with the band and we had to let our conductor go, but it was okay because McGregor (the man) stepped in and did much better (he should have been MD from the beginning). Then we didn't know whether we would be able to have the band in Cabaret and cast on stage singing to the music until Opening Night, and my Witches freaked out, but my wonderful producer was able to very, very quickly sort all that out. 

So, in the end, we had a great three shows. Brilliant, superb shows.

But we did also stay in Kay until 2AM the night before Opening Night, doing two full runs...

December so far has also been eventful.

I had my 21st Birthday Weekend (yep, so old now) from the 11th-13th in a massive mansion-cottage that could sleep 28 people. Loads came: Ry, the family, all the 3rd Year house mates, La, Futts, Mrs. Harvey, Newton Abbot woman (Hair) and her man, G, Darryl, my Witches production team - AD, Choreo and VC - Phantom's Christine, Clyde, Caton, Clover and her man... I hope I haven't forgotten anyone, but I feel like that was all of us. 

It was a brilliant, fantastic weekend and a great way to celebrate my 21st with all my favourites - Friday night we chilled, ate, played Articulate. Saturday we tried to find the swimming pool, and eventually found it and swam. We then watched Pirates of the Caribbean, and had dinner when the Phantom lot showed up, before getting ready to PARTY. A Pirate Party, obviously. I would be a pirate every day if I had the chance. Everyone was knackered by about 2AM though, it wasn't a heavy boozing night just because I think we've all moved past that - lots of us were too tired after such a long and arduous term. But I didn't need everyone to get wasted, I was conscious of being loud because the 'Rents had already gone to bed.

The only thing that did annoy me was La's reaction to G ending things with her.

He said he couldn't give her exclusivity, and she freaked out.

She got all her friends on her side - fair enough - but didn't leave any room for him.

There was no other side, no explanation from him... worst of all...

It completely took away what was supposed to be my night.

He said what he said, then ignored the conversation and came back to the party. She heard him out, then went outside and cried, came back in and told (bit by bit) everyone who was at the party, and then I was the one to suggest getting back to the party and having her enjoy herself - so it meant we all went into the kitchen to do shots for La. To make her feel better. I mean, I do care about my friends and I'm sorry she was hurting, but it took away so much time I could have been spending on having fun at my own party, and I doubt she even thought about that...

But I've moved past it. It's okay. With or without that drama, I still had an amazing time, and one day in the future I hope I can do it again. Maybe for me, or maybe as a guest at someone else's celebration. It was an incredible weekend, and one that I am unlikely to forget.

In other December news: I have returned home. Got all my Christmas presents ready for the family, and am now working on two 3,000 word essays that are due at the beginning of January. Christmas looks set to be good - Mum and Dad are both here, as well as Nanny T - and I'm going to be spending New Years down at Ry's place. All in all, a good end to 2015.

Almost A Month

Yep, it's been almost exactly a month since I last wrote a post on here. Not a great thing really, considering I keep saying I'm going to try harder to update this blog with what is going on. It's hard sometimes though, because things are just happening really, really fast. So what can I talk about?

Ry and I are, as usual, great. Everything is good between us, he's actually in my musical (and has to kiss another girl, which I think I'm totally cool with? I mean I haven't actually seen them do it, it's a bit late to turn back now, so I guess I'll have to be fine with it), and last weekend we went to his hometown for his grandma's 80th birthday. I met a lot of the extended family, and they all seemed to really like me, I caught up with his Mum and have already been invited to their summer holiday. So, in that world, all is good. I am already itching to live with him, and keep looking at houses and flats to rent when I know I won't be able to move into them until next year! He keeps wanting to find this blog though, and I don't know if that's a good thing.

The musical, Witches of Eastwick, is going well. I'm a little nervous because it's actually very close (we're in Week 6 now, it's being performed in Week 11) but at the same time we've pretty much done the first Act, it will just be putting it all together and re-working it that will take time. My cast is good, if a little preoccupied sometimes but that's probably because they don't see the urgency of the situation nearly as much as I do. That will soon change.

Living in my house is great - with Os, USA, and the boys (Moby). I really get on with them well and it's actually been the first time that I've enjoyed my house at Uni. I don't drink really anymore, because I'm too busy, and I've only been clubbing twice since I've been back at Uni, but I don't really care. When I'm at home we always have good chats and good fun, watching movies, playing games, defusing bombs. I know I'm still a part-time outsider because the four of them have done lots of things together, and make plans to do things as a four, but I don't mind that either really because I don't think it's that they've not thought of me, more the fact that they know I'm busy when they decide to do those things. They also get on with Ry very well, so he's always welcome to the house, which is a bonus.

La is still causing drama. The house don't really like her, and to be honest I am fed up with a lot of her nonsense. It's very 'me, me, me' when you're with her (and even when you're not) so I feel like, especially this year because I just don't have time to deal with it, our relationship and friendship is going to change slightly. I'm going to start putting my foot down more and she's just going to have to deal with that adjustment. If she doesn't like it, and makes a fuss, then so be it. I'm aware that we might not be as close after this year as we have been for the past two, but at the same time part of me is okay with that. I really like her still, obviously, she is a good friend to me, but sometimes she does treat people like shit. It's not really okay. We will see how that goes.

Other than those things, I can't think of anything that is going on. I'm money-secure, still working one shift a week in Costa, and the Degree is going pretty well. I'm just tired all the time. Today is a Saturday, so a 'day off'/cleaning/chill day. I haven't yet been to the gym but I'm hoping to rectify that soon, and also to go home at some point during Reading Week.

Hopefully it won't be another month before I write again.

The Night Before Recalls

It certainly has been a long time since my last post, and for that, I am deeply sorry. I should have been better, but a lot has happened over the past month and a half. I can't remember what my last post was talking about, so I'll reiterate the end of the summer up until this present moment.

• Went to Edinburgh Fringe Festival with La and her lovely family. Great week.
• Did I go to France? I mean I went to France with the family, but feel like that might have been mentioned already. Also good fun.
• Got highlights! In my hair! Only very subtle ones that are actually quite difficult to see, but that was the point. I wanted a 'sunkissed' look, not a 'skunk' look.
• Got the role of Director for Shotgun's Term One show - Witches of Eastwick.
• Returned to Uni and worked a lot during Freshers Week. We have a new manager, she's good, if a little intimidating.
• Spent the entirety of this week in recalls and at lectures, not actually coming home much until very late at night. That was incredibly exhausting, and recalls are tomorrow, so it only keeps going... But also is ver exciting, I am actually doing things with my time and keeping busy, which has kept the Nostaglia Hurts at bay. 

Not really sure what else to say - there has been a whirlwind of stuff going on in my life recently, and though I have had small moments where I've thought "actually, I could sit and write a TDITR post right now" I just... haven't? Read a couple of books at home... Um, yeah. I am a very busy human being at the moment, and my thoughts are all over the place. They're difficult to pin down, and I try not to think about how much work I actually have to do this term because that will just freak me out completely, and then I'll never be able to do anything.

Rules to stay sane:

1. Eat vegetables. All the fruit. Keep snacks and a water bottle on oneself at all times.
2. Sleep. At least 8 hours a night, even if that means saying No to Ry coming over or getting frisky.
3. Laugh. Have fun with housemates and friends.
4. Write lists. Oh, so many lists. 
5. Breathe.

Blurry Texts

I have been quite annoyed with Ry recently, but not because of him. His mum seems to be controlling his life; it's meant that I will only be able to see him once this summer, and that time has already passed. His mum has prevented me from going to a family holiday with his family, stating that I might "change the dynamic of the holiday" (which was bullshit, everyone was questioning why I wasn't there. She apologised for that). She then stopped Ry from coming on The Road Trip, because she wanted him to "get a job"; I said that it was too late for him to get a summer job, but Ry didn't fight hard enough and so didn't come on the Trip. Two days into said Trip, his mum goes into his room and simply says "I think it's too late for you to get a summer job" before slipping off to bed... this, I found infuriating. Lastly, she 'forgot' to mention that she'd told Ry's sister not to pay him for the work he did in his sister's garden. I mean, this isn't even a big thing, but it's just a pile-up of crap that she keeps laying on him that Ry just takes. It frustrates me a lot, maybe I'm in the wrong for that, but I've been trying not to let it bother me now. It just upsets him when I get upset about it, because he already feels trapped by his mum. For me to yell and nag him too just means he can't win anywhere. So we let go, we ignore that, and when we go to Squared's house, we get drunk and look at the stars. Our texts to a sleeping Ry read thus:

• The stars are crazy amazing tonight, we still need to see them together.
• I miss you a lot.
• This weird state of semi sober always makes me feel strange and reminisce about stuff I probably shouldn't think about. It makes my heart strange and my head melancholy.
• I am not at peace here.
• I'm not content most times.
• If I look up at the stars sometimes the sky is wide enough, if I squint, that's all I see. It makes me feel small but also better about things.
• I want a cuddle.
• I'm writing too many texts but I don't really mind, this is my rarely seen thought process. If I wasn't writing this down it would never come out of my head. 
• Which, by the way, I think there is something wrong with. My mind, I mean. I think I'm pretty messed up head wise. I wish I could do more things. I'm really scared about a lot, but I don't want people to know I am. Not even you.
• I think I know more things about you than you know about me. I know your head better than you know mine, but that's because I ask you more. You don't seem to mind, but I need to know things. So I ask, and you tell. And I don't tell, I keep secret. You don't ask as much as I do.
• I love you a lot though, it's not a fault.
• I think my brain is a very difficult one to pick - but maybe this is wrong. Maybe I only think I'm interesting when really I'm not? That's probably more likely, I'm probably just normal.

Growing Pains

Much has passed since the last time that I wrote on here, which is not really any excuse for my lack of communication and explanation. After returning from the Scattering, there wasn't much to do at home for the week; the weekend picked up, however, because I was working in Number 18. It was just quite nice being back at some kind of work, keeping busy all day and having people to talk to that aren't the family (not that I don't also appreciate them).

Next was: The Road Trip. Which was myself and a couple of Ry's friends (without Ry, which I will explain) going up to North Wales. We camped out in Snowdonia, and it was one of the worst nights of my life. Cold, splattering rain that came at us from a 90 degree angle because the wind was so strong. Tents battered by gale forces. I slept in a tent with Madrid and her boyfriend, Ry's best friend, Lank. It was a very long night; the next morning, we went for a walk. Also in horrendous weather, so I was soaked through by the end of it, but still stunningly beautiful. At first I really didn't want to go, but we seemed to follow a Yellow Brick Road of sorts and I'm actually really glad I went. After the walk, we headed down to my house and stayed here for two days. That meant more walks, lots of drinks, a game or two of articulate and a meal in the pub - good fun, I was glad to have them, but I also couldn't stop myself constantly wishing that Ry had been there too.

They left on a Thursday morning, continuing the Road Trip down to London, but I stayed home because that was the day Dad arrived. We spent three days with him pottering around the house, cleaning up and such because someone will eventually be coming round to take photos of the place (we're selling it, part of The Divorce, not something necessary to go into). After that: France! France was good fun, we arrived back two days ago. Nanny J came with us (Dad, Bing, Smily and myself) and drank too much wine which annoyed Father, and there were a few tense moments and arguments that we knew were always on the cards. On the other hand, there were also a lot of laughs. It was nice to get away from everything for a couple of days; I got a tan, I bought a hat, went swimming with Bing. That's one good thing about The Divorce - it has definitely brought us kids closer together.

Two days ago, we got back to the UK. Last night I went to Squared's (my namesake) boyfriend's birthday party. That was good fun, even though I didn't know anyone apart from the two hosts. I also didn't really try very hard to get to know anyone, but that's probably because everyone was stoned and drunk, or had something to do with the idea that I'll never meet them again. Or that it will be a long time before I next do meet any of them. But still, lots of fun. I learnt a new drinking game - Cheers to the Governor! - and had a good dance, before making a floor-nest-bed with Squared to sleep on. Woke up this morning feeling a little worse for wear, but I've got some chill days now.

101st Post (Part 2)

For some reason two of my past posts haven't been working (they were both images), so I've had to delete them. There's no point trying to look at a 'file not found'... So that means that this post officially is the 101st post, even though I've already written one! But also helped with the name of this post, considering I couldn't think of anything else to call it.

As is probably noticeable, it's been a long time since I last wrote a post. There aren't really any excuses for that, seeing as I have a new phone app that nags me to 'write a post' about twice every week. However, there has been a lot going on. I don't think I really have time to explain all of it, nor can I really be bothered right now (for reasons that will become clear). Therefore, bullet points:

• DeNiro came to visit me in Exe, and stayed for a week.
• We did a couple of random fun things while she was here, but the first two days were taken over by Stereotypes, the play that was a stage adaptation of The Breakfast Club.
• Summer officially started after Stereotypes (which went great, and I'm still really good friends with the cast) and I went back to Canada with DeNiro.
• Canada was good fun, kinda strange. DeNiro broke up with her boyf whilst I was there, which was awkward but I'm glad I was able to be there for her in the first few days of it happening. However, in a selfish way it did piss me off a little, because she constantly made me be around her and her friends, but whilst she was in the UK she complained about me making her a third wheel...
• Which was probably why on one of the last days I was really irritated with her and her flatmate (Pat) and they didn't seem to realise... It ended up in me going ballistic that evening, kind of an accident, but I just couldn't keep my cool any more. So yeah, we fought. But I think it was justified; I couldn't continue the way things were going. I felt like I was being ganged up on by the two of them, and their stupid ideas about philosophy that don't really make much sense. But, enough of that.
• Worked things out, came back to the UK. Stayed in Exeter with Ry for an extra week and sorted everything out there in terms of moving house for next year. After that, it was back to Wales and chilling out.
• La's birthday party, in London about a week later. Was a good evening, and Ry was there. We were a bit sneaky in bed together, doing things we weren't supposed to. It made it feel like a proper house party.
• Home again, and Mum had some French girls here that she was teaching English. It was good for me, because I got to go kayaking with them, and also did some proper horse riding. As in, cantering over the top of a mountain with my hands in a pony's mane, feeling like the wind. It was great, but at £36 for 3 hours, I will have to wait for a while before doing it again.
• Ry came to Wales, stayed for two weeks. We went out in Aber, drinking and dancing, had a bath together, went to the movies, had a dinner party, and walked the dogs. A lot. All in all, it was a rather boring two weeks that was made about a hundred times better due to the fact that Ry was with me. Once he was gone, I felt pretty lost. It wasn't nice. It just ingrained into me how much I want to live with him; how much I hate not being around him, even when we aren't really doing anything. But I'll have to wait at least a year before we can live together. So fingers crossed all stays good and well.
• Read. Read a book in 5 days - the second in the KingKiller Cronicles, by Patrick Rothfuss, called The Wise Man's Fear. Mads showed me the trilogy, and it is very good.
• The weekend after Ry left, we scattered Grandad's ashes. 

That is where we meet the present - I am currently sitting in my Gran's sister's living room in Essex. Yesterday we scattered Grandad's ashes in the park near here; it was were he used to play, and next to the first house Mum ever lived in. Though this area of England doesn't mean much to me, I know that it held a lot of memories for Grandad. He lived around here for the first 40-odd years of his life, and Mum did until she was 11. But now, I am incredibly bored. I finished AWMF today, and there is absolutely nothing to do in this house. 

Boredom sets in, and I feel like a dog that can't go for walks. I don't really have anything in common with Mum's cousins, except for knowing that they are blood relations. They're all Mum's age. It is tedious, but we carry on. After all, we'll be going home tomorrow.

The Worst Addiction

I miss you like the winter months miss the sun, 
craving your touch the way ice cold ground demands 
the light on its surface, only wanting more. 

I miss you more than I can express 
in words or shapes or sounds, 
breath caught in my throat as 
you take my heart away with you; 
every step you make in the wrong direction,
away from me, becomes another tug at my strings. 

I miss you to the point of no return, 
questioning how this could have happened 
and knowing that I would have it no other way - 
but maybe I should have been kinder, wiser, 
and known that the hourglass was always running down - 
I shouldn’t of pretended there would be no last grain. 

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, 
but I know this only marks the beginning 
of the time we spend apart, 
when I desperately wish that my beating heart 
was counting down the last few minutes
I would have to be without you. 

I miss you, my dearest love, 
the only person I wish I was standing beside; 
you are my other half, and without you
I do not feel whole.

101st Post

I was definitely supposed to write a proper, extraordinary post for the 100th one, but I guess I just completely forgot. I think I was just too in the grove to remember - but here we are now, at the One Hundred and First Post of TDITR! 

I mean, I know it's not that many posts considering the blog has been live for over three years, but it's quite an achievement for me. When I was writing a 'diary' it never worked out, I think I only lasted about a month and a half. I do miss being a kid though, when I remember how I used to feel about having a diary and the things I wrote in it, I definitely get quite nostalgic.

I was a great child.

I mean maybe I wasn't the best when thinking about it from an adult's point of view - I was argumentative and moody, not that clever and also just wanted to eat cake all the time. But I know that my childhood was great, and I had a great time and lots of fond memories from it. Especially when it comes to writing, and putting ideas for stories down in books. I did that all the time, and I went out in actual nature a lot too. Now I still want to, but don't really have the opportunity; maybe in the summer I will be able to, and I always walk the dogs, but I can't really whilst at Uni because it's all a city. That's a lie - I could do it, but I just feel more trepidatious about going out by myself here than I do at home.

Everything's going pretty well. I've finished all necessary work, so I take each day as it comes. There are no more deadlines, and there's nothing else I have to worry about. All I have to do is keep rehearsing the play, but I enjoy that, and going to work at Costa, which brings in money, so I can deal with it.

Ry has two more exams left (mine went fine, I think. Not that sure but we shall wait and see) so I am alone in my room. I was annoyed with this earlier, because I wanted to do stuff with him, but I understand that he needs to focus on his own stuff at the moment. I was also annoyed that no one else wanted to hang out with me today, but actually, the time to myself has been quite good. I've gone and bought food, and now I'm writing a fairly long post. I was going to watch some BBC iPlayer but think there are a lot more things I can do with my time. Plus, I'm really enjoying Radio 1.

I've got exactly 10 days until de Niro touches down on British soil, so that's fun. But that also means I've got 10 days until not having my own space anymore, and not being able to see much of Ry or other friends because I'll be entertaining the Canadian. But that's fine, I haven't seen her in three years so I'm really looking forward to it. 

So, for now, it's time to go. Time to listen to the Top 40 on Radio 1, which means organising my folders, tidying up my room, probably eating a sandwich, and calling home.

Only One Exam Left

It's been a fair while since I last wrote a post, but in my defence, I've been fairly busy. Did a little bit more essay over the holidays, and then Willcock was here for a couple of days. But I completely forgot about everything after Ry and I went on holiday - oh, what a fabulous week!

Honestly, one of the best weeks in my life, I reckon.

It was just so... peaceful? I don't really know how to describe it. People keep asking me how the holiday was and I just reply "good, yeah, really good", but it was more than that. We just swooshed along, not having to worry about anything. No parents, no bed times, no exams and essays and questions about what we're going to do next in our lives. No pressure at all, except by venders who wanted you to go and eat dinner in their restaurants. 

I guess there's a reason why people call it a holiday. The only problem is coming back to reality.

So yeah, now I'm back in Exeter. I've just finished writing the final essay of the year; but it only gets better form here, because for the next week I'll be revising for a exam, yay! Seeing as it's the first exam I'll have had to do at Uni, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified. I'd also be lying if I said I'm actually prepared for it, because I haven't done a single shred of revision yet. At all. 

But it's okay. I'll be fine, I'm getting things back together tomorrow. That also includes my eating habits and exercise regime; I've been back at Uni since Saturday and didn't do a food shop until this afternoon, so I've just been eating crap. I mean, today I had spaghetti for breakfast - grapes, yogurt and garlic bread for lunch - and a tikka masala for dinner. Not exactly what I would call healthy. However, I did use today to buy loads of grains from the new Health Food/Organic shop I found in town, and I bought all my greens. Haven't yet got any proteins but I can get those in the next couple of days and then properly get back in working order.

Also, an unfortunate incident occurred; the other morning, Baz managed to overhead Ry and I... "going at it". I thought she was out of the house, so wasn't exactly being stealthy about it, but the idea of someone else hearing what we get up to in the privacy of my bedroom makes me squirm. I'm all for talking about my sexuality, and my sexual desires, but it's completely different when someone hears the actual noises. Especially since the words that she used (when describing it over text to Clover) were "Omg it's so loud". 

If that's not cringey, I don't know what is.

"Flash Looks Like John Snow"

Sitting at home, trying to do a Drama essay that I really don't care about and feel no pressure to do. The thing is, I have two weeks in which I could do it - but they're being taken up by the fact that Willcock is here, and then I'm away with Ry. Maybe I'll have a couple of days when I get back, but do I really want to leave it to the last minute and be really stressed out about it?

The sad thing is, yes I do.

Although it could mean I get a worse mark.

Also, as you can probably guess, the Blog is now on a completely new server. That's because my other one was beginning to have some issues, so I felt it best to move the whole thing over to something that was more reliable. However, it did mean dragging over all my old posts because I didn't want to just leave them on the other server and forget about the past three years worth of posts.

So here we are, on a new server, and it's pretty good. Took me a little while to move everything over, but I also got to read over things that I hadn't read for a while, and it means that if I ever do get around to making a blog for book, movie and TV reviews, I'll be able to manage both blogs from one source (because I can use my google account).

Anyways. Better get back to Judith Bulter.

Library Life

Again, it’s been a long time since I last wrote a post but we are doing better than we ever did last year. I think partly it’s because I have a new app called ‘Balanced’, which (whilst I mostly ignore it) reminds me that I have to do a couple of things. Like: drinking water, calling friends, writing letters, and continuing the blog.

It’s the end of second term now; almost everyone left for home this weekend for the Easter holidays. I am staying, however, until Thursday – to try and get an essay done (or at least start it) and to have a couple more shifts at work. So far it’s going okay, I had a peaceful weekend and have been sitting in the library with Carnell pretty much all day today. Haven’t actually started the essay yet, but I’ve found and read my play and gathered quite a few resources on it, so that I can knuckle down tomorrow and do a lot of reading. Fun, fun, fun.

Things were kinda lonely once Ry went home on Saturday; we’re still doing very well, now having reached 13 months – 13 Months! It seems impossible, but I’m pretty sure that we’ll be lasting. There’s no reason for us not to be. We’re just so comfortable with each other, and it just… works. The only thing that slightly irks me is his inability to understand food, and healthy food at that. I mean, he hates fruits. Who hates fruits? But even so, surely the health benefits out way the fact that you don’t particularly like the flavour of the food. Although, that’s kinda hypocritical of me to say…

I think the reason for that frustration is mostly because I’ve been trying to eat healthily though. It’s much more difficult when you have to cook for two people, and the other person is not interested in living the same lifestyle as you. Making two different breakfasts, lunches and dinners isn’t really on the cards (and I definitely don’t have the funds for it), but I can’t eat all the health-foods by myself because they go out of date too quickly. I have, however, decided to ‘go organic’ – mostly, within reason. I’ve been watching documentaries on food, and what you should eat, and mostly it just says stick with lots of fruit and veg. I don’t think I’m as unhealthy as the people in the documentaries used to be, but I reckon my body deserves a reboot.

Really looking forward to Easter now though, I just want to go home and be able to relax, walk the dogs, and not have to worry about anything. Which is why the essay needs to be done first. But then Ry and I are also going on holiday! Hopefully I’ll take lots of pictures, it will be effortlessly romantic and the weather will stay warm, but we’ll see. I don’t think Ry has been abroad in years…

Anniversary.

So, it’s been a little longer than I would have intended between posts, but at the same time at least it’s not six months! Things are going very well at the moment. In the past two weeks I’ve managed to read another book, gone from broke to relatively okay (when it comes to money), and Ry and I celebrated our One Year Anniversary as a couple. WOOOOOOOOO!

It’s the first time I’ve ever made it to a year, seeing as every other time it would get to about 2 months and I’d stop caring… Apart from with the Boy. But we don’t care about him anymore. In fact, there isn’t anyone else to care about except Ry – no one has ever made me feel as good as he does. He’s the most incredible person I’ve ever met, and I’m not afraid to tell him so. I know he’s not going to get scared by my passion, or weirded out by my strangeness – he’ll never run away, and I think he loves me just the same, overwhelming amount that I love him, which is perfect. I don’t think this is going to change for a very long time, and I’m completely happy with that.

I’ve only been working 2 days a week at the moment too, so I think overall I’ve become much more productive with my time. I don’t necessarily do all the exercise I would like, but I go to two exercise classes a week – or do one at home if it’s cancelled. I’ve been eating okay, although not following the FitGirl ebook that I downloaded – I need to get back into that, but it’s very difficult with my all-over-the-place Uni schedule. It asks for a lot of meal prepping and I just don’t have the space. On the other hand, whilst fitness levels are (slowly) increasing, I’ve also been doing much better with getting work done on times.

I now, and don’t even believe it myself, read (most) of the things for drama.
I also watch all the lectures for English,
and own the Anthology book I refused to buy before.
I have already finished an assignment not due til this Friday (!)
Whilst also deciding that I’m drafting an English essay on Friday, thats not due for two weeks.

The only problem I’ve encountered so far is getting in touch with old friends – I need to speak to Willcock again soon to figure out what we’re doing and when we’re seeing each other. Also, need to write a letter to Ms. Morgan, and speak to Pheebs.

The only other person alluding me is Mads.

It’s very difficult to talk to her because she’s in Aus, but it’s been an awfully long time since we last had a proper, long conversation. I haven’t seen her in person in almost a year now, and the last time we Skyped was probably September. I have always had a lot of faith in our friendship, seeing as it’s almost 16 years in the making, but this year has been a bit of a weird one. I think it’s because we’re now both ‘grown up’ – she works, lives in an apartment with her boyfriend, and is a proper member of society. I’m half way there, working, at Uni, in a student house. So our lives are changing drastically. I just hope that she still cares about me, and our friendship, as much as I care about her. I hope so. God, I hope so. I don’t want us to fall out of touch.

Duvet Days

Outside it rains, pours down in sheets,

not unlike the ones we lie underneath.

Inside the boats, made up all of blue,

keeps Blockus players warm,

are toes hidden beneath leopard coloured spots.

The room is big enough

for all of us to laugh in,

air to breathe,

fourteen split into two;

not out of spite, just lacking

the will to move, worse that sloths

in these comfortable tangles.

Lethargy takes over us,

the picking of guitar strings

become a peaceful background bumble

like the air-con we never needed to have.

Once they all leave, though,

the human warmth has vanished.

No more humming, plucking tunes,

or glittering laughs and

crinkled summer eyes. No more

thoughts or hands at play.

The time for food is now,

so they have all gone away.

Gravity

It may seem as though

the time ticks by,

through the hourglass,

but the world rolls on,

no breath is still,

for doubts that might not come.

We see them as nothing,

these flurries of leaves,

from green to brown to dust -

Instead we shine like

those twin stars brought,

burning hot and strong,

chance and flairs of magic

to circle, flirt and dance.

Pleasantly and without question,

to you I found I hooked,

but theres no other way I’d

like to see our

credits roll and end.

Maybe I bite my fingers still,

the drama yet unfolds,

but we are safe and happy here -

I wouldn’t change it

for the world.

Too Much Sitting

Two posts in two days? Must be some kind of miracle, or maybe the fact that I decided not to go to any Uni activities today and instead just stayed in the living room and updated my CV. It looks almost identical to the one I had before, but maybe slightly neater. All the website ‘help’ said that I should be targeted my potential employer, but at the moment I can’t actually do that – I don’t have any work experience in any area I want to go into in the future.

Maybe I should just finish my books and get super famous.
No, actually, that sounds like the best plan right now.

Been listening to Radio 1 all day as well, and soon am going to go to La’s house and have dinner with her. We are actually best friends, I know not much has been said before on the subject of her, but she is probably the best friend that I have at Uni now, if we don’t include Ry. So I shall be going over there in about an hour, on my bike. It will be good to get out of the house, I’ve been sat down for way too long today.

I keep scolding myself for not doing more exercise this week, but actually, I’m doing a lot better than I used to. At least I’m jumping around my room occasionally, and I have worked 7-hour shifts twice this week, without it even being the weekend yet. If I can find a pound, I will be attending a Bodysoc Sesh tomorrow though, so hopefully that will make me feel a little less restless too.

But today has been, at least, productive. My CV is updated, I’ve found out that most of the Internships I want to apply for in the summer are either closing at the beginning of March, the last week of February, or haven’t even opened yet. I spoke to Nanny T and Dad on the phone, and bought a calendar, which I will put up on my wall soon. I may even go upstairs and write a letter, although I’m not sure who it would be to… All I need to do now to get my life in order is to write a cover letter (or maybe a few versions of the same one) and send them off to Internships. Either that, or maybe get Mother to have a look at them first, and see what she thinks.

Honestly, at the moment I can’t really tell what there is left for me to do. I mean, I could always do the Drama reading but I’ve chosen not to. I could say that I need to ‘see friends’ and ‘be more social’ but at the moment that’s not an issue, I’ve got La tonight, probably Ry tomorrow, work, and then seeing Jen on Sunday before going to an event. Bloom hasn’t replied to my text, and I’m fed up of reaching out to her, so I’m just going to wait and see if she ever decides she wants to see me. Not really that bothered either way, which is a good place to be.

Although maybe it shouldn’t be, seeing as I’m going to be living with her and 3 of her close friends next year, and I will once again be the outsider in my own house.
Again, not really bothered.

I think I need some more angst, I feel like I haven’t written any poems in ages. That, or I’ll just go read – managed to do that, read a book called Red Rising which was amazing. Time for another, to keep my mind at ease.

2015. HOW.

So, it’s been less of a gap between the last two times I’ve posted, but still 3 months. Not the best thing for me to be doing, probably, because a lot of the angst that’s been up in my head hasn’t had the chance to escape in the right way – in a constructive way, which I can then work through. But we’ll get to that in a moment. For now, a couple of updates.

Still with Ry.
Still working in Costa.
Still not sure how I feel about my uni course.
Still not writing.
Still content.

Also, I should probably share my New Year’s Resolutions seeing as it’s now February in 2015. I didn’t believe making it to this year was possible; when I was a kid, I didn’t even believe I’d make it to being 20 years old. Wow. So, my 2015 NYRs are to:

• Write more letters.
• Skype & keep in touch with old friends.
• Get a summer internship.
• Stop comparing myself to other people.
• WRITE (ahah this one)
• Stay healthy.
• Work harder for my degree.
• Read more books.
• Express gratitude & enjoy life.
• Try and be more selfless.
• One Random Act Of Kindness every day.
• Sleep for 7-8 hours a night.
• Write on here. (oops)
• Be sociable.
• Take more photos.
• Join in with Societies.
• Take pride in my appearance.
• Embrace Wicca.
So, I’ve managed to do some of them (somewhat) and completely forget others. Some of them I think should definitely be thought about more, and I need to express more gratitude to Ry, certainly. It’s not that we’ve been on the rocks at all – coming up to a year, WHAT – but we do bicker a lot. I don’t know if that’s my fault, or his. Or whether it has anything to do with the fact that we basically see each other every day, and sleep at each other’s houses every night. Maybe I need to make more effort in my relationship, as well as with my friendships.
I’m glad I wrote up those NYRs though, because I had forgotten some. But for now, it’s time for work.