My Thoughts Are My Own

It may be the end of January but that's only about two weeks since my last post, so we're already doing better than we were this time last year. 

I have forgotten how useful it was to write my thoughts down. I'm struggling with it at the moment because Tobe is playing another game and they always get quite distracting, but he seems to have paused it now.

What was I saying? What was I planning to say?

Bought tickets for Hamilton! Ry and I go to see that in August, which is a long time to wait - but then I remembered that we bought tickets for Green Man one year, and that came around a lot sooner than expected.

Sticking it out at the job, the party on Friday was interesting, to say the least. Men when they get drunk are not always the best, but then again I think everyone loses their inhibitions when they have something to drink. I can't pretend that I don't get a bit more mouthy, and not think as much as I should about the things I do or say. Not that anything ever oversteps a line - I keep my wits about me.

For the moment, I'm just quite frustrated with Lizard. I don't really feel like we are friends any more, and yet, whenever she speaks on the group chat it's about things that are happening in her life as if we are all supposed to have kept up to date with what is happening. But I don't think that's the worst part. I think the worst part is the fact that she seems to actually keep the rest of GLIPS up to date, because they ask questions as if they already know what's going on. 

Meanwhile, it's the first time I'm hearing these things. It's more aggravating than anything else too, because instead of making me what to ask questions and get on the same page as everyone, it just makes me want to ignore her - I think it's jealousy, probably, and a little bit of rage that she thinks she can do that without putting any effort into our actual friendship. 

If I think about the last couple of times I saw her, it was all through my initiative. Firstly, we saw each other a few times when I moved to the Big Smoke because I reached out and said I was here. Pheebs came down once, and stayed at Lizard's, and I went to see them and saw her house. Then, before Christmas, I went to her house again - where she told me she probably wouldn't be able to come to my birthday. Fair enough. But at least send me a message to say 'Happy Birthday' or something - since that time before Christmas, when I went to her flat, I haven't heard a peep out of her.

So how am I supposed to feel when a good month later, when she's all excited about the latest boy drama, and everyone else knows everything that's happening, and I don't? Pretty bad. There also doesn't seem to be anyone I can really talk to about it - Pheebs maybe, but I haven't spoken to her recently and she always takes Lizard's side and is the one to stick by her. I get that, I do, because they've stuck through thick and thin together and probably kept in touch more than I have with either of them, but it makes it pretty difficult.

Also, what exactly am I supposed to say to Lizard if it ever comes up? I don't want to be friends anymore? Is that even true? I'm not sure, because she's so tied up in the people - the rest of GLIPS - that I genuinely enjoy seeing. Maybe it's just my own crippling insecurities. Maybe it's just that we don't really have very much in common any more, and she gets that as much as I do. 

I don't know. I just don't really know. 

Stop Giving Me Choices

At home in Wales this weekend; it has been lovely, taking the dogs out and giving them cuddles, seeing Ma and Smiley and having long, interesting conversations with them to update each other on our lives. It's also, weirdly, been really nice to be able to watch TV.

I say this because at the London-shared-house, the Boys are always using the television for their various games - the Xbox, Playstation - or to watch Youtube, Netflix and movies. Not that I think there is anything wrong with that at all, I don't mind them doing those things most of the time, and have watched my fair share of movies and Netflix shows.

But there's something a bit different about sticking the telly on, and just letting whatever random programme is on take over the room. It means, I think, that you can start doing something different whilst the box plays its programme - giving comfort in it's sounds and flashes of light, while you settle with a book or look something up on the computer. At the same time, there is currently a lot of good TV on, which we always seem to miss because we never know it's there. I watched a fascinating documentary last night called Spying on the Royals, which was all about abdicated-King Edward and his wife Wallis, who were implied to be seriously anti-British during the Second World War.

So, yes, I think I need to find some way of making it clear to the Boys that sometimes, I'm going to be watching television. It's just a difficult conversation to have, especially when there's nothing particular I want to watch - I just like the comfort and the relaxation of the box.

 Another good thing that has happened since I've been here was the long conversation I had with Ma last night - Smiley had gone out to a friends, so it was just the two of us chatting over large glasses of wine. We talked about everything from envying other people to where I should go with my life, and she gave me some really good advice.

I love having such a close relationship with Ma, and it's good to be able to have her give advice based on hindsight - the biggest thing, unsurprisingly, being that you can never truly plan for anything in life, because you never know where you're going to end up in a few months. Life can throw some ridiculous things at you that you never knew you'd have to deal with, leaving all your careful plans and schemes in the dust.

We also talked about choices, and she agreed that there are so many that can be made and you'll never know which one would have been the 'best' to make. It's almost like your life is made up of the things you're willing to sacrifice, to go down the other paths. What compromises are you willing to make? She mentioned that we're very alike, because of both being Sagittarius' - our arrow, she said, is always pointed off in another direction, looking for something to aim at. However, we're very well grounded with our 'horse' parts, loyal and willing to stick at something we have chosen to do.

It's crazy how well that sums me up. 

Overall, I think that sometimes I wish that there were not so many choices to take - do I stay in this career until it's time to do a Masters? Do I get to relax after the Masters? Can I go travelling now? Before the Masters? After it? Will I even do the Masters? What about getting enough experience to make it in this career?

But again, Ma has a good, solid answer for this - I will end up choosing what is right for me, whilst compromising on what is best for Ry, because I love him. We will hopefully find the balance of supporting and respecting the individual things that each other does, whilst loving and enjoying the things we get to do together. That's how we'll stick. Plus, I might be worrying about all these things now, but it won't be as relevant in six months time. My choices and plans will have changed, I will have new goals.

Besides, she said, I can guarantee that taking a couple of months out will never affect your career.

I guess that's something I forget in our 'constant gratification' world - that time is relative. 

Into the Swing of Things

We really are planning to make this work, this time around - 2018 will be the tortoise that wins the race. No pushing, no shoving, no big changes over night, but keeping everything up to date and making time for what is important to me. 

To put this simply, I recently read an article by Mark Manson - the author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, a book I have come to adore - called 'The Most Important Question of Your Life'. I think it sums my thinking up quite nicely: 

Who you are is defined by the values you are willing to struggle for. 

It really made me question what I am willing to struggle for - to put in the time, the effort, the sweat, blood and tears. What came out of it? The truth that I am definitely willing to put in the struggle to be a writer. This also makes me a bit anxious thinking about the fact that I'm not putting my 100% into being a writer this very second, but then I just have to take a deep breath and move through this.

Why? Because being able to write is going to take some time.

I think one thing I often forget is that I really do have a lot of time on my hands. Touch wood, all being well, I should have another 60-70 years of life left. I will have to live my life in full over again to get to the age that my parents are currently, and by God did it feel like it took a long time to get here.

So, really, waiting and biding my time, writing here and there when I can, is not the worst thing. After all, I have a plan:

• I will continue working at a full time capacity until September / October
• Meanwhile, I will be applying for Masters' in creative writing of some kind
• I will get into a Masters programme
• In Sept / Oct, I will go and do the Masters programme full time, with a part time job keeping me going (whether that be my current job or something else, undecided)
• After the Masters, I will decide whether creative writing is for me
• If it is, I will focus on it full-time, with the part time job continuing to support me financially
• If it's not, I will have enough journalism experience to be able to get back into that

Life feels like it's always 'beginning', again and again and again. I think this is because we are constantly learning - I definitely feel like I'm in a different place today than I was six months ago, and I have learnt a lot about who I am since then. In six months time again, I'm sure I will be all the more learnéd. 

Interestingly, the only thing that has never changed - not since long ago when I first found it at age fourteen - is the music I love. To this day, I know all the words to Ivoryline's And The Truth.

Welcome to 2018

Well, that didn't work out as well as I planned - last post was all the way back in March, 2017, and too much has happened between then and now to even try to consider going over it. 

Long story short, it was a year full of ups and downs, but ended up being pretty good: 

finally saw Mads when we went to Aus and Sing in June.

Now Ry and I live in South London with Tobe, Meeko and Kingers, and we both have permanent jobs (even if Ry is a little bit more satisfied with him than I am with mine).

I'm going to try this new thing for 2018, which I guess could be counted as the 'List' - even though I haven't actually written one yet. This new 'List' is pretty much the same one that I have been making year in, and year out, for a little while, but with a twist:

Instead of ramming all my 'resolutions' into one go, I am going to slowly make changes.

What do those include?

Writing on here, even if it is just a small post every few days.

Mediating every evening, and I have the 'Headspace' app to help me along.

Writing, properly, and putting time away to do it.

Exercising more.

But, like I said, these things are going to happen slowly - I'm going to turn them in to habits, by maintaining them in small doses (a few minutes here, half an hour there) and making sure that I don't put pressure on myself if it doesn't get done for one day. Everyone needs time to chill.

So - here's to 2018. Fingers crossed, you're going to be seeing a lot more from me.