"I Want To Tie You Off"

Pretty interesting title to this here post, but in fairness it’s a quote that I took from Hager. It also, when not in a dodgy context, is exactly what I’m trying to do – with the Boy, who else? It’s funny, he’s sitting only about a metre away from me as I write this in the G-house quiet room, on a computer that’s about to run out of battery.

As explained (or more like mentioned) yesterday, things are good. Looking up from whatever rut I was stuck in, mixed emotions and odd feelings as thoughts went around and around in my head. Things that I just couldn’t get over and stop being frustrated with because they hadn’t been closed, I hadn’t been able to tie off the fraying ends of the ribbons that make up some of the aspects of my life. What I’ve come to the conclusion about is the fact that I’m fed up with feeling confused – I have only so much time left here at AC and I don’t want to waste that thinking about stuff that doesn’t really matter. I want to have everything in its place – friends, work, play, summer, jobs, IB, activities, body issues, etc, etc. Everything, ALL OF IT. I want to be in control of my life and once upon a time earlier this year I got there and it all blew to pieces when I started having the Feels for the Boy.

That shit’s going to end now; here, today. Part of it will end when I talk to him about things, because after conversing with Hager I’ve decided to do that. Bit of a nerve wracking thing to do, that’s for sure, but I think he’s right when he says that there’s just a lack of communication. Potentially I’m just going to make things worse – and I’ll be devastated if I lose the Boy’s friendship because I really do consider him one of my best guy friends at this school – but fingers crossed, it won’t. Then he’ll stop being hot & cold with me, we can talk openly, tease each other and I’ll actually be able to openly love him the way I do  (the same way I love Hager, Mari – or any of my other friends) without him getting the wrong impression.

Yes, maybe occasionally when I see him with his other girl there is some kind of twinge, but partly that could be due to wounded pride if I think he ‘chose’ her. I mean I value myself not necessarily highly but as worth something so it’s not nice to be rejected like that. Also, he is one of my close friends and so I do care what he thinks of me – and if he and his new female (which is not the same as the one I ranted about in earlier posts, just as a side note) snicker together in the back of the room just as I get up to say poetry in front of an audience, of course I’m going to feel a little stab of insecurity. Honestly, who wouldn’t? I’m not that numb. The complexes do get to me even though I try to stop them.

So yeah, that’s one aspect of life that I’m about to get sorted – for better or for worse. Hopefully for the better, because I was looking forward to having the Boy as my Game of Thrones-watching buddy. He hasn’t read the books so seeing his reactions to certain things will, I’m sure, be highly entertaining.

In other news, I still have a lot of updating to do about what happened during the Awesome Foursome weekend, Project Week, Paris, and since I’ve been back. However, all of it seems a little out dated right now so I’ll have to figure out a way of explaining everything that happened without whinging (if I’m going to be able to sort things straight the way I want to). In other news, tonight was Pooch’s Poetry Slam and I read out two of my poems. Fairly good reception of them, I thought, but I didn’t realise that a Poetry Slam actually consists of Spoken Word Poetry which is more about writing and saying a story in a rhythm with thoughts mixed in with it – not as abstract as what I usually write. It was good though, and I think I’m going to try and write a ‘story’ for if Pooch does another one.

Also, signed up and am training for the 10K. I’ll let you know how it goes (it’s this Sunday). I also have a check list which I am slowly managing to get through and it is my mission to have everything crossed off it before the end of this week – or if not all of it, the majority of it, because some things will have to wait until I get back from my Easter Holiday.

Well. That was definitely a long one. 

Wish me luck with all the endeavours of the next few days.
Bitches be getting their life back together.