Summer Time

It’s been too long since I last wrote; I really need to get the hang of actually sticking around. It’s like I can’t actually keep to anything – I can’t commit. I’ve found it in relationships, tasks, books, writing… Most things, really. Though it’s only been the case lately, and I’m hoping that because summer’s here now that’s all going to change.

I went home last week (did 4 weeks of AOC, home, now back for a final week of AOC) and that was nice. Cleaned up the house, took the dogs walking, tried to organise my room – but ultimately failed, so it’s a job sitting at home waiting for me – and just generally bummed around. It was a nice break and wasn’t too demanding. I didn’t feel like I needed a hobby yet, either, because I knew that I was coming back to AOC for a final month. But that’s not going to be how it is when I go back home starting next week. My driving test is one week today, so hopefully by the time I make it home I will be legally allowed to drive on roads. Now that’s a little scary.

Unfortunately I’m a little out on a limb though, in terms of the future. I got one point less than what was needed to make either of my University offers, and Exeter has already written me an email saying that I will probably have to wait until the A level results come out on the 15th of August before they can make a decision whether or not to let me stay, and whether I can be considered for their course. Nottingham hasn’t even gotten in touch about anything yet, but they’re only my back up.

So there are all these questions going around and around my head to do with my future. I was always sure that I was going to get into Uni, was going to get stuck in to the two subjects I actually enjoy, and was going to make something of myself. Now I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to go; if not, then it’s going to have to be an unforeseen gap year that I take, and that’s a whole lot of free time I’m not sure what to do with.

I’ve always had a plan, but right now the power is really not in my hands, which is kind of frightening and exhilarating at the same time. I think part of me though, more than anything, just wants to be living in the now. Here in time and place, not thinking about moving forwards. I’m glad I’ve got this final week here at AOC summer, but I will be glad when I can go home. I will be glad when I don’t have to think or be energised. I don’t know.

I think I might be stuck in a little bit of a rut.

I don’t want to be on my own, but there’s effort into speaking to people. I’m a little confused. Restless. Without purpose, not wanting a purpose. Tired. So tired, and that’s actually because I was getting up with the dogs at like 6AM every morning so that Socks didn’t pee in the house. I think what I need most is a holiday. So I can get out of this rut, this life block that plagues me. I just feel very detached from it all and I’m not sure why. There is no motivation left in me for anything, and that’s probably why it’s taken me so long to actually getting around to writing all of this down. Even now it’s more effort than I’m willing to put in.

Part of it also is that I’ve stopped being plagued by thoughts, so I don’t really know what to say. I’m not having any inner monologues, and this isn’t the type of blog where I would just be like “Hey guys, today I did ______, here’s a picture of ______, doesn’t it look so fun?”

Life is fun. Life is good. It’s just… fairly uneventful. I think I need a hobby.