Leaving the Door Ajar

It's a Monday night, and considering it's still February, I am very pleased with myself. Why? Because this is the second blog post I have done for TDITR this month, instead of waiting another 6 months before updating this page again. So, lets have a delve in what there is to say:

Mum came down this weekend to visit - she only stayed the Saturday night, but we had Chinese for dinner and and ended up debating white privilege and sexism. Sunday, I went down to NJs with Mum and also had a really nice afternoon with them; we went to the Globe for lunch, and more good conversation, and then when I got back home, Dill and Tobe came round to play more D&D (which I both loved and was frustrated by because it seems I have an inability to throw dice). 

Last weekend was also equally as great, but instead it was because I got to go to the England v. Wales Six Nations rugby match in Cardiff with Smiley, Bing and Dad - we stayed near AC which was the only slightly crushing thing, because it brought back a lot of memories and everything felt both familiar and distant. Saying that, I saw some actual current ACers and suddenly realised just how young we really were when we were there - I am actually 5 years older than the students there, and I wouldn't fit in as one of them if I tried to go back. They were all my brothers age, and by god, that was a shock. But it does mean that now I am finding it somewhat easier to leave that behind, as actual memories. After all, of course I still see my friends as "the same" as they were then, because we have all grown up at the same time; it's only with a direct comparison to who they are now that I actually see the difference. 

Also, the rugby game was great, even if Smiley did get overly aggressive and miserable afterwards because Wales lost. I get being upset, but don't take it out on me because I'm really not going to take it. Definitely something he needs to learn. Anyway, it was also a thoroughly great weekend, and it was nice to see everyone and experience the rugby, even if I did freeze my toes off. What else? Oh, yes.

Today was a very good day. 

I started by going for a horse riding session with Awdas; we both now canter, and I absolutely love that feeling. I know that it's pretty expensive, and I have spent way too much money this week already, but I know that it's worth it for how it makes me feel. Hopefully one week soon Ry will also be able to join us, because I'd really like it if he could ride too. Then we could all go for hacks through the countryside, and if Ry and I decided to visit home for a weekend in the summer then we could do a half-day ride up there too.

Had lunch at home with Ry and then, drum roll please, I went to go and see a psychic medium. It was actually a very relaxing and fulfilling session - she did my reading with ribbons, where I had to pick three ribbons out of lots in circle which spoke to me the most, and with two sets of cards. One set was the angel cards, but I didn't point out that I also actually have that set with me at home. During my session, a spirit called Jack, a gentleman who had an allotment, apparently appeared to her and mentioned that I needed to get my eyes tested. A spirit dog, a collie, also came by which I imagine (with hindsight) was potentially Penny (Mum's dog when she was growing up) but at the time I didn't see how it connected with me - but it was nice to know that they were there, and the medium said that the dog was circling me, giving me protection.

We talked -well, she talked, I mostly listened, smiled, said "yes" and laughed slightly awkwardly - through a lot of things. Who I am as a person, the fact that I need to show myself more self-love and stop being so closed off to other people all the time, and that Ry and my relationship is solid as a rock. From it, I have gathered a couple of things: 

• Apparently, I am naturally a healer and spiritually sensitive. I am an empath, taking in other people's emotions and projecting them on myself. I should be following my gut a lot more, and she even suggested that I try going on a course to become a Reiki healer. The medium said that even as we sat there, her hands were getting really warm and itchy, with pins and needles, and she'd never had that as strong before with other people. So, it's something I'm thinking about. 
• I need to be more in tune with my own spirituality, and start doing meditation- I mean I knew this already, I just wasn't making as much effort as I definitely should have been doing. But I do believe in Wicca, and I want to become more spiritual and have the self-confidence and self-healing to be able to do that. I think my personality suits it.
• The medium very strongly showed that there is spiritual guidance there for me, but I need to be open to it. I need to start listening to my gut, and I need to start choosing what my path is going to be for the future, because it is currently quite wishy-washy. She said that I am definitely going to change career paths soon, and that it is going to be quite a rapid change, but that also there could be a level of progression that is higher than I expect, resulting also in more financial security.
• She also said I was going to go travelling and get spiritual healing from that, which really made me curious and believe what she was saying, considering (and I didn't mention this) Ry and I are going to Sing and Oz in June, with Sing being a very important trip for me to try and get some closure from it in terms of my crippling nostalgia and the way I feel about the past - which is another thing:
• I need to let it go. The past, that is. It is holding me back from finding the future I want, I can't step forwards with it still lingering. She also said that I do need to make a decision about the future because otherwise, it will just cause me more stress and confusion and prevent me reaching my full potential - so yes. Need to get my act together, basically. 

All in all, it was a thoroughly enlightening and interesting experience. I need to start writing my dreams down in my dream journal too, see what comes out of those messages. Honestly, I'm not sure whether or not I believe everything the medium said, because some of it didn't work for me (or Ry's) personalities and did seem quite generalised, but all the things she said were nice. They made me feel ridiculously less under pressure, and like I can do this - the confirmation, affirmation and clarification that things will be okay, you just have to put yourself in the right direction was all I really needed, and so therefore I am happy to believe that it is all true. After all, I'm not going to disagree with the universe.

It's A New Year

Whoops.

I mean it, big whoops, considering that in 2016 I only wrote a total of two blog posts when I told myself I would be getting back into writing and keeping my thoughts down on paper. Saying that, I guess 2016 was such a big year, and it kind of swept me away. I ended up doing a lot more living and a lot less writing, which I guess could also be seen as a good thing.

But things have changed.

For the better? Maybe not.

I'm still living - still doing things - but life has slowed down an awful lot in the six months after finishing Uni. Saying that, quite a lot has also happened, which I'm hoping I can put down in a couple of bullet points before I actually get to what I wanted to talk about in this blog post - the big, new, shiny year that is 2017. So, how did the second half of 2016 go?

• I had my University Graduation Ceremony in July, Dad was hungover but I can't hold that against him. Wore the cape, got the scroll. Officially finished, over, done with education (for now).
• Ended up working in the Dress Shop for a couple of months longer than I was expecting; I didn't hear back at all from the SWAFST job and after going to Spain with Ry and his family, decided I didn't care about that job because if they really wanted me, they would have got in touch.
• It meant job hunting, which didn't come to an end until mid September, where I got a job working for SWW in Accounts. Full time, temporary contract. Started my training in October 2016, started working in the office in November 2016.
• Started my own website! During the job hunting, I got bored - so set up Storm's Contemplations to write book and movie reviews in an effort to keep my writing from coming to a complete stand-still. 
• After that? Things settled down. Spent time with Ry, lived in our flat, saw the friends that are still around Exe - Osman, Tobe, Dill, Buchy, Lyds, Clover and her boyfriend who are doing the same thing that Ry and I are doing.
• Christmas was wild - busiest 7 days of my life I'm guessing. Thanks to the full time job, it meant I only had 7 days off for Christmas, in which time we managed to fit in going to NJ's to see my Dad, Bing, Smiley, NJ and Al. We then headed down to Ry's part of the county, seeing his family for Christmas Eve (the 50th Birthday party) and Christmas morning, before jumping in the car again to go for Christmas dinner with my Mum and NT. Spent Boxing day relaxing, before hopping in the car and having a 7-and-a-half hour journey back to Exe to have a day off here before going back to work.

That's all, really. It wasn't a particularly interesting second half of the year; once I started full time work, things began to drag. The shackles of real life started to grab at me and I started well and truly being slowed down by them. Don't get me wrong, it's quite relaxing to not have deadlines and course work to do, and to be able to come home and not worry about work any more. But I'm not interested.

I'm not excited about what I'm doing.

So. That's how we get to 2017.

There is a list, for 2017. It's not a "resolutions" list as such, because I think that I will never finish anything that I demand of myself. Instead, I need to coax slowly but surely, to find a better way of life. The list includes some of the following:

• One Second Every Day
• Horse riding / Dancing
• Go to counselling
• Exercise every day
• Cut down on meat consumption
• Cut down on rubbish created in the house
• Spend more time in nature
• Take pictures

The good thing about this list, is that even as I write this, I know that I haven't started on some of these things yet. But that's okay - this list is not supposed to pressurise, it's supposed to excite. It's supposed to give me a reason to get up in the morning and remind myself that there is a little check list of interesting things I could be doing. Change is bloody hard, and it's only the beginning of the year - you can't expect your life to just turn around on the head of a pin and for a new schedule to be in place, but I can start making little differences.

For instance, I now go to counselling every Thursday. I've missed a few, and only had a few, but it is something that I have set up and am determined to keep up until such time as I feel like I don't need it anymore. For the moment, it's good; we just talk about stuff, past stuff and future stuff and the conglomerate of ideas and worries that go round and round my head and make me have existential crises every other Tuesday. It was the counsellor, actually, who said I should start writing stuff down to get it out of my head - which was just another reason to make sure I'm blogging more now that my life is in a place it never has been before.

I also keep up (mostly) the One Second Every Day, with Ry, which involves taking a one-second video every day. We plan to do it for the whole year, and then have a full six minutes of footage to show how our 2017 has gone and what we have gotten up to. At the moment it's mostly us in the flat, but it's early days. Horse riding is also another one I've started, but this I think is going to be an on/off thing depending on when I can go and do it, and what other things might be happening on Sundays (when we're free to do it)- I am going with Awdas at the moment, and he's pretty good too. I think that in a couple of weeks, he's going to join me in cantering round the school ring.

The other bits and pieces haven't really picked up yet. I was exercising every day at the beginning of January, but this faltered for a while because I got sick - like, actual viral bronchitis with a heavy flu sick, so had to take 3 days off work and couldn't do anything except sleep and watch Netflix. It ruined all of my motivation, but I'm going to start exercising tomorrow again and try and keep that up. After all, it doesn't need to be a big work out every day, just needs to be something to keep me active after being in the office on my butt the rest of the day.

As for work... it goes on. I've cut my hours to 30, or four days a week, to give myself Mondays for getting my headspace right, to tutor G's (who Ry works with) kids, and also to keep writing OMWF - the third in the Felidae trilogy. It's actually coming along nicely now, and I think I will be able to keep up with my deadline for it for this year.

Yes. For the writing, I do have a deadline - July. The only reason for this is because I want updated and edited versions of all three books bound by the time we leave Exe, and I can only do that at the University binders (who can also print them off for me). 

But yeah, it's all going well for 2017 so far. I think that's as much as a catch up as I can give for the moment, so fingers crossed 2017 stays positive. I'm certainly going to try and make it so. Either way, I am determined to keep this, TDITR, up to date. So I will be letting you know.