I have to forget. I have to let go. Unclasp these broken chains because there is no way they are reconnecting, no way to melt them back together with the same synchronisation that they once had. It’s useless, feeling this – having emotions generally, sometimes, it would seem. To know that what you wish is beyond you, and the pain -oh for fucks sake- but I can’t deny its presence.
Sometimes it’s easier. Sometimes I can pretend that it doesn’t exist, that it’s just memories and that’s the way it’s going to stay. But then there is a shift in the atmosphere, a change in the wind and a reflection in the window and the glass -my perfect image- shatters. These thoughts, this knowledge. I’m still holding onto those pieces, still feeling the ripples of the stone cast into the water and I’ve lied. Oh, how I’ve lied to everyone. Even myself. Especially myself -it’s not true, you’re fine- as I force the dirty hands open.
I crave the opportunity to be able to drop it. I don’t want to feel this way. It’s a fight between me, myself and I.
But there are times when I think it’s all going to be okay. I just wish I could move forwards, a train picking up speed. Who wants to be held back by themselves? -Why does this always happen?- I am not what I pretend to be. I know that you don’t want this anymore. I know that I’m not who you think about, who you wish to see. It’s not difficult to understand.
Truly though? God, that’s why it’s hard. It’s in the eyes, it’s in the smile. You make me want you and I hate you for that.
Sometimes it’s easier. Sometimes I can pretend that it doesn’t exist, that it’s just memories and that’s the way it’s going to stay. But then there is a shift in the atmosphere, a change in the wind and a reflection in the window and the glass -my perfect image- shatters. These thoughts, this knowledge. I’m still holding onto those pieces, still feeling the ripples of the stone cast into the water and I’ve lied. Oh, how I’ve lied to everyone. Even myself. Especially myself -it’s not true, you’re fine- as I force the dirty hands open.
I crave the opportunity to be able to drop it. I don’t want to feel this way. It’s a fight between me, myself and I.
But there are times when I think it’s all going to be okay. I just wish I could move forwards, a train picking up speed. Who wants to be held back by themselves? -Why does this always happen?- I am not what I pretend to be. I know that you don’t want this anymore. I know that I’m not who you think about, who you wish to see. It’s not difficult to understand.
Truly though? God, that’s why it’s hard. It’s in the eyes, it’s in the smile. You make me want you and I hate you for that.
I want to know what’s in your head. Just that. Just some closure. Then I’ll be fine…right?
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