My Thoughts Are My Own

It may be the end of January but that's only about two weeks since my last post, so we're already doing better than we were this time last year. 

I have forgotten how useful it was to write my thoughts down. I'm struggling with it at the moment because Tobe is playing another game and they always get quite distracting, but he seems to have paused it now.

What was I saying? What was I planning to say?

Bought tickets for Hamilton! Ry and I go to see that in August, which is a long time to wait - but then I remembered that we bought tickets for Green Man one year, and that came around a lot sooner than expected.

Sticking it out at the job, the party on Friday was interesting, to say the least. Men when they get drunk are not always the best, but then again I think everyone loses their inhibitions when they have something to drink. I can't pretend that I don't get a bit more mouthy, and not think as much as I should about the things I do or say. Not that anything ever oversteps a line - I keep my wits about me.

For the moment, I'm just quite frustrated with Lizard. I don't really feel like we are friends any more, and yet, whenever she speaks on the group chat it's about things that are happening in her life as if we are all supposed to have kept up to date with what is happening. But I don't think that's the worst part. I think the worst part is the fact that she seems to actually keep the rest of GLIPS up to date, because they ask questions as if they already know what's going on. 

Meanwhile, it's the first time I'm hearing these things. It's more aggravating than anything else too, because instead of making me what to ask questions and get on the same page as everyone, it just makes me want to ignore her - I think it's jealousy, probably, and a little bit of rage that she thinks she can do that without putting any effort into our actual friendship. 

If I think about the last couple of times I saw her, it was all through my initiative. Firstly, we saw each other a few times when I moved to the Big Smoke because I reached out and said I was here. Pheebs came down once, and stayed at Lizard's, and I went to see them and saw her house. Then, before Christmas, I went to her house again - where she told me she probably wouldn't be able to come to my birthday. Fair enough. But at least send me a message to say 'Happy Birthday' or something - since that time before Christmas, when I went to her flat, I haven't heard a peep out of her.

So how am I supposed to feel when a good month later, when she's all excited about the latest boy drama, and everyone else knows everything that's happening, and I don't? Pretty bad. There also doesn't seem to be anyone I can really talk to about it - Pheebs maybe, but I haven't spoken to her recently and she always takes Lizard's side and is the one to stick by her. I get that, I do, because they've stuck through thick and thin together and probably kept in touch more than I have with either of them, but it makes it pretty difficult.

Also, what exactly am I supposed to say to Lizard if it ever comes up? I don't want to be friends anymore? Is that even true? I'm not sure, because she's so tied up in the people - the rest of GLIPS - that I genuinely enjoy seeing. Maybe it's just my own crippling insecurities. Maybe it's just that we don't really have very much in common any more, and she gets that as much as I do. 

I don't know. I just don't really know.