Fluidity

It’s not what my mind is; a jagged, rough piece of metal stabbing at my brain. Really quite violent imagery isn’t it? But that’s what I’m feeling at the moment, it’s weird. There’s been questions going around and around my head and I can’t get rid of them. The main one being why? In everything it’s up to humans to question but I wish I didn’t have to do so, it makes my heart ache. I can’t stop the pain – it’s mild now, much less than it was before, but my word I hate being a female.
We have all these feelings and they’re shit. I wish I didn’t feel, had the ability to be a free and open person without attachment; attachment is unnecessary, no one wants it. Especially, apparently, the male gender. Which is completely and utterly irresponsible of them because they take our hearts in their hands and crush them into dust when they’re bored. Well. Fuck you for being bored.
But that’s unfair of me to say because I’ve been exactly in that position, and no, you don’t want to hurt the other person but it just happens – it’s not your fault. But I never understood the way they felt, because I’d never been in that position. It’s breaking, shattering, and I hate it. Why do I believe something that is never going to happen, and why hasn’t anyone turned around by now and admitted to me that it’s not? They don’t want to hurt me? Too late for that, mate. Why.
I feel so destructive, a fuse about to blow and I’m taking everyone else with me if I’m going down. Anger; it’s like this fire in my viens and I swear that I will snarl at you, I will be fierce and snap at your throat if you get too close, hackles raised, fists curled, I want to punch something. I wish I was stronger.
But it’s not fair, it’s not their fault, they just have to take all the crap I throw and it’s not on them. It’s not got anything to do with them, but I can’t be vicious to any one who deserves it.
“But we can still be friends.” “Promise?” “Pinky.” “Okay, can you do me a favour then?” “Anything.” “Shove that pinky promise up your ass, you broke my heart, you asshole.”
And then there’s GLIPS. What the hell does that even mean? Who came up with that? Who wants that? Why have we subjectively removed ourselves from the whole world and everyone in it by creating a shallow, high school clique in which we never have deep intense discussions, but just talk about boys and gossip and I have to sit there every day while they blabber on and no body cares. No body asks me how I’m doing and even if they did what would I say? Because it’s over now, there’s nothing wrong and it’s not like I deserve the sympathy, I should just get over it.
Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine. It’s always just fine.