This Is Not What You Think It Is. It's Worse.

I have been listening (an audiobook) to a book recently called Regrets of the Dying. It's very good, a collection of stories from people who are dying, experienced death close to them, or who have had near-death experiences and have a new lease for life.

Sometimes it makes me sad, for the stories I hear and the lives that have been wasted. Other times it makes me a bit confused, or I question the regret, because I can't really relate to it - often from people who wish they were more confident, or put themselves first, which I know I already do. But always, it makes me think.

It makes me think about my own life and my own future, which I'm hoping is still long and prosperous. It makes me think about the fact that maybe death could come - for anyone I love, not just me - at any point, and what that means.

What it means, is not to waste any time. I think that's an easy thing to say when you're in the moment, the whole 'live each day as if it was your last' thing, and very easy to forget - to let it slip away... But it's kind of true. So often we forget the small things, the tiny pleasures that make life exciting and interesting. Equally, when we are so bogged down in the small things or the monotony, we forget to live. 

To go out and experience things, to do things that make us happy or bring us joy in those fleeting moments. The truth is, no one lives in the past or the future. Life happens in the present, in the constant, in each breathing moment until the thing that you are currently doing isn't the thing you are doing anymore, and you're doing something else.

Maybe that's why meditation is so good for you, because it's the presence of mind that you need, the here and now and the reminder that these are the most important things.

For instance, my reality currently is writing this blog. But in half an hour this will be done, it will be in the past, and my present will be on the train on my journey home from work. This afternoon, it was (cheekily) applying for other jobs.

Last night, it was seeing the Sibs and Dad for Smiley's 24th birthday dinner (ahead of his actual birthday this weekend). Before that, on the weekend, it was seeing Bing and Z at their new flat and having champagne in Dad's little weird hotel room (in order to taste it before the wedding).

Before that, on Saturday, it was seeing Nothing but Thieves - and before that, the week before last, it was seeing FOB. Concerts really make me think about reality in that way... they are so overwhelming, lights and noise and bodies, and then when they are over you kind of just have these blurry memories of dancing and singing and... it's gone. 

Maybe that's why - when those things that we enjoy, that we feel such elation for, are so fleeting - it's so important that the time we are spending each and every day doing the same thing (aka a job, living, commuting, cooking, eating) is used wisely. That you love it, or at least like it, and wake up thinking that it's worth doing for another day. It's worth spending those precious hours, not knowing when it could all be over, on whatever day-to-day life task you find yourself doing at that present time, because it's something you enjoy.

Or at least, don't hate.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, listening to this book has helped me decide something.

I need a new job.