80th Post!

It seems kind of a miracle that I’ve managed to get to 80 posts on here, given how I am terrible generally with any form of diary or blog. However I really could be doing a lot more posts than that, seeing as I’ve had this blog for over two years now. It strikes me as odd, amusing, and fairly pleasing that in all that time this blog has never become ‘public’, in a sense. Maybe 5 people tops actually know about it, and that’s how it was always supposed to be, I guess. It’s not like it’s something I hide, it’s just that I don’t think I’ve ever been the person who’s life was interesting enough to be read by the masses – I wouldn’t want it to be anyways. Tumblr fame, Twitter fame, Blog fame – what exactly is it? Does it really mean anything? I never thought so; I mean occasionally I craved it in the past, on Tumblr or the Writer’s Cafe, but those bursts of passion quickly passed. I know that if I ever make a name for myself, through writing or whatever else it might be, it will be physical rather than over the internet.

I know I’ll make a name for myself, it’s going to happen. I’m absolutely determined to.

In other news, I went to Zumba today, which was the first hour of physical exercise that I’ve done in a long time. I keep making these empty promises to myself that I’m going to ‘change my ways’, but it is always much more difficult than it seems. I talked to the Vampire (first met Halloween 2013, hence the name) in Arena, and told him that I didn’t want a relationship – not that I wasn’t interested in him, but that I wanted no long term ties. It’s made me wonder whether that was a good idea; I enjoy hooking up with him, but in the same way that I would enjoy hooking up with any man. The only difference is I know who he is and think of him as a friend, which makes it… safer, in a way? I don’t have to worry, or get fluttery panicked feelings.

I’ve realised one thing though, and that’s the fact that I am totally ready for a relationship. I mean I’ve had two near-misses at Uni (The Bed Invader & The Vampire), neither of which really amounted to much. I liked them both for a time, but it wasn’t the same deep emotion that I felt for the Boy last year. I mean for so long I was hung up over the Boy, and now I feel kinda empty. I wish, in a way, that I had never fallen for him. Back then, I was just getting back into the swing of enjoying who I am, and he smashed that. That swing is what I’m still looking for, and it’s making meeting guys a real challenge. Then again, Uni isn’t all it’s cracked up to be at all.

It’s not as bad as the many months after we first moved to the UK, but after AC I am definitely struggling to make my way forwards here. I mean, it’s February. I’ve been here just starting 6 months… then again, 6 weeks at AC is considered around about 6 months in the outside world…